Wanting

I think of things to write here all the time. In my sleep. Upon awakening. In the car. So many things to say - of little interest to anyone but me but I like to write things down so when I'm older, I can read my own writings and remember. I want to write all the time. I just don't.

It's just time that's lacking - not the desire to communicate. Just the time to do so. It's been one of those weeks of arising at 4:30AM and being at my desk or en route to a meeting before 7, often by 6 this week. And lest you think 'wow, it takes her a long time to get ready in the morning', no, not really. But I do an hour or so of emails each morning as a 'head start' to my day. In fact, this week, I was transacting business on the phone with someone else who was up early and our emails to each other around 5:15 resulted in a 'hey, are you available by phone' so we transacted on the phone - at 5:30 AM. So, I arrive very early to my office and then I've been working until they are locking the gates - something about that 'being locked in' (though I have a key) just doesn't feel good and compels me to bolt from my office regardless of the state it's in. 12 hour days are enough, don't you think? And yet, they're not 'cuz it's a 3 days weekend and I'll be working 2 of those days. I'd be working the third, also, but it's H's birthday (#15 - and he's available for loan if anyone wants him - angst filled teenager to the MAX and he's not one of my favorite people right now. I'm still rejoicing in his birth and am blessed to have him as a son but he is frying my last nerve. TOTALLY) and we have a graduation party that day as well. It WAS to have been a 4 day weekend but I realized that even considering taking tomorrow off is out of the question. Tomorrow is a 'free' day relatively speaking (in terms of my calendar) and there's a minute chance that I could make some progress on things and maybe be able to be home part of Monday. At the very least, I do hope to sleep in all three days - I am exhausted.

A good thing happened this week which I will write down now before I forget. It's a pretty huge 'milestone' for me. I had a meeting on Wednesday morning that conveyed a lot of information in a short time. Most of the information being conveyed added hours of work to my already overwhelming workload. Scary amounts of things to reconsider, redo and prepare to present in a few weeks. It boggled my mind. And I felt overwhelmed and asked, just for a moment 'why in the heck am I doing this'? BUT, for the first time in the 17 months I've been in this job, I did not have a 'flee' reaction. No 'there's always [insert former school name here]'. Nope, not this time. This time, I thought 'well, it's a lot but I can do it'. And I can. And it feels so much 'easier' since there's no immediate gut reaction relating to NOT being where I am. It was just the acceptance of 'this IS where you are and so take a deep breath and DO IT'.

It is a huge breakthrough for me to feel that way. HUGE. It has shifted my perspective on so many things. I am past caring/worrying/fretting about the things I can't control. I know what my job is, and I know how to do it - and that's what I'm going to do. MY JOB.

And so I am. And yes, I can. And I will!