Resolutions

I came home from Hawaii with a lot of 'resolutions' I want to implement. I know I'm already one quarter into the year and therefore, am 'behind' on things, but that's OK. It takes me awhile to reach the 'breaking point' on most things - but when I do, THAT'S when I can finally put things into action. And ACTION is what is needed. Serious, sustained action on a variety of things that are wearing me down and making me somewhat 'unhappy'. That unhappiness is nothing terribly overwhelming. It's just that I end up getting 'down' on myself. Thinking negative thoughts about myself. And it's not healthy. And I don't want to feel that way.

I am not a perfect mother. I know that shocks you (not). I mean, there really is NO perfect mother - we are all a muddled mass of confusion and mistakes and things we wish we could do differently. I have lists a mile long of things I wish I could re-do. There are many, MANY parts of my kids childhoods that I'd like to try again. But even as I say that, I think 'but they are relatively great kids (knocking on wood frantically) so I know I'm doing OK'.

I am a better mother than my mother was - and I know there are people reading this that will think 'what a horrible thing to say'. And it really isn't meant that way - it honestly isn't. My mother was an amazing woman who was widowed in her early 40's and found herself with 4 kids to raise - two teens and two under the age of 7. No job skills. And she picked herself up and moved forward, day after day - and did an amazing job raising 4 responsible, thoughtful, wonderful people. We are all great people. We are not close to each other - not like many 'families' are - and that hurts me in ways that I can't write about here. And there's a part of me that feels that SOME of that separation between us was fostered by our mother - not consciously, but yet it existed and persisted. Age has a lot to do with some of it - there is a 9 year age difference between me and my older sister - and a 13 (or 14? I'm not actually sure) year age difference between me the oldest sibling, our brother. So by the time my younger sister and I came along, the two of them were pretty much 'out of the house' and not in our daily lives as much. But losing a father affects all kids, no matter what their age. And I don't think the environment was there to create the 'bonding' that would normally happen in that situation. We all sort of retreated to our separate corners, where we stayed for most of our lives. And some of us still 'stay' there. It's safe. And easy. And I mean that about myself, as well.

So, I've made it my life's mission to be a 'better' mom. To be there more for my kids. And I have succeeded. We express love in this house all the time. We also express anger, disappointment, expectations and laughter. Not things that were present in the house I grew up in very much - we pretty much expressed NOTHING because that was easier. In this respect, we are doing 'better' with the kids.

But I am a selfish person - I am. It is very, VERY hard for me to be 'present' for the kids 24/7. It is a constant struggle. It's helped that they are older now and don't really want me 'present' all that much. But I wish I was doing things better for them. Small things - like cooking. Spending time organizing things. Etc.

And most importantly, I want to be healthier for them. I am overweight and completely out of shape. That was never more obvious than in the paradise we just returned from. Walking is hard for me at this point - my joints all hurt and when you're carrying around a bunch of extra weight, you just don't feel like walking - or swimming - or [insert physical activity here]. And I really, REALLY want to change that.

So, I'm creating a 'computer log' and allowing myself a set number of hours on the computer. I don't know what my 'limit' will be weekly - I do all our household finances on the computer, including tracking investments, bill paying, retirement modeling, etc. And I use the computer for news, weather. And I read blogs. And I write this blog. And I LOVE computer games - I LOVE them - Virtual Villagers, many, MANY bigfishgames.com games on my PC. They are my 'down time' from a long work day. My 'veg time' when my head needs a break. So I'm going to try to limit all those things and fit in what I have to do - with a small amount of time for things I want to do (like games) and then be up and moving around the house. There's always plenty to do - but I sort of 'lose track' of what needs to be done. I mean, we do dishes and laundry and grocery shop and cook and tidy up. But we have a cleaning crew that makes the day-to-day cleaning basically unnecessary. Still, there's tons to do. Lawn work (the gardener basically mows and edges - I want to fire him but J. doesn't) - so there's plenty of weeding and planting and pruning to do. And we have a 'cement pond' (ala Beverly Hillbillies) that I enjoy and should use more.

So I'm resolving to be more 'active' in this household. It is going to be hard. REALLY hard. The computer 'beckons' me and I honestly feel like I have no idea what else to do when I'm not on the PC. But change needs to happen and it has to start NOW.

This does not mean I won't be updating - I love to write and I will keep doing so - this is something I will not 'cut back on' - if anything, I'll probably write more because my days will be more purposeful and therefore, more things to update about. I hope.

I am hitting the 'publish post' button now before I chicken out. I figure making this resolution 'public' will help me stick with it. I'll keep you updated on how I'm doing. I hope I can move more. Do more. Exercise more. Spend more time outside in nature. I hope. The desire to do these things is not new - but the Hawaii trip was a huge eye opener for me - and so I'm hoping that by the time we go again next year, my psyche and my body will be in a completely different place.