Friends

I had lunch on Friday with my friend J. - from two jobs ago. We have kept in touch all these years since I left there. We have kids in common, and work/life experiences in common and she's one of my closest friends. There were other 'friends' from that former job long ago that I've lost touch with - when I realized that the effort was entirely one-sided (mine) and decided to let it go. It's not nor has it ever been like that with J. If we don't email each other for awhile, it will be one of us that quickly realizes 'it's been forever' and we reconnect. We get together for dinner or lunches when we can and like all great friendships, we pick up right where we left off - without hardly skipping a beat. We are the most unlikely of friends in many ways - completely different life experiences. Yet, we've always just 'clicked' and she is on my top 5 list of friends - and I don't have many really, truly close friends.

You know how you have a friend that you can say anything to? And I do mean anything? J. is that friend. You know how you have a confidant that you say 'if anything happens to me, please be sure it's YOU that goes down and cleans up my desk before our boss realizes what I left 'unfinished'? J. was that friend. I have no close work friends at the moment, which sucks and which I miss - and J. was that 'go-to, count on it' friendship through a lot of really hard years at our (now both of our) former employers. I was blessed to have a person that was such a wonderful, caring safety net and only since I've transitioned to my current job have I realized how lucky I was to have that. You never know what you've got 'til it's gone, as the song says. It's true.

J. has been a huge support to me over the years. She is like my best cheerleader and reminds me (when I need it) how great I am. That sounds 'bad' written in a blog - but when I have moments of self doubt and am full of 'not sureness' related to life or work, she steps in an reminds me of the great qualities I DO have and helps me not focus so much on the great qualities I might be lacking. She's a great encourager and when I need a listening ear, she's who I turn to most frequently. My emails to her border on novels more than not and when we get together for our infrequent face-to-face visits, everything comes pouring out of me as fast as I can talk. I hate that about myself - I intend to listen intently and also encourage her. She doesn't need encouragement because she's one of the most self-confident, go getter of a woman I've ever, ever known, and probably ever will know. Still, there are times when I know she needs someone to listen.

I always intend for that to happen. But we spent years and years talking to each other everyday - every morning, as soon as I arrived (she was always there before me, no matter how early I tried to get there), we'd head to the cafeteria (in the building we were in, there was one - not anymore but back in the good old days, there was) and get a latte and share about our kids, our family, our work, our lives. She was the first person I called when they told me they were laying me off. She supported me through my mom's illness and death and I tried to do the same for her when her beloved mother-in-law (also a friend of mine) died. That's what we do. That's what we are - friends through and through. And these months of this now not so new job create all these 'things' I save up to tell her, and get her thoughts on - and they come pouring out of me like a broken well pump - you give it one little push and it all comes streaming out in a never ending downpour. I work in a strange environment where 'discomfort' is a daily norm. And I just have so many things to share with someone - and it's typically J. who listens and encourages and reassures and laughs - reminding me that not all women are thoughtless, rude and hurtful like the kind I work with. Some are actually quite extraordinary. J. is one of the extraordinary.

J. is going through some hard stuff at the moment - nothing she can't completely and totally handle on her own. But I want her to know I am here for her. I want her to know that at a moment's notice, I will drop everything and get to where she is and listen, support, talk, help in absolutely anyway I can.

I don't think I did a very good job of being her friend on Friday. I didn't mean to not be the listener - honestly, I didn't. But I realized on the way home that I spoke more than I listened and her quietness was obvious and should have triggered a 'hey, what's up with you' - only I knew what was up with her. I was just so wrapped up in myself that I left a lot of things unsaid. It was selfish of me and I've spent the entire weekend thinking about that. Realizing that I can't forget to listen...as much as she's supported me these years we've known each other, it's the least I can do.

I know she will read this post in the next day or two - and I just wanted her to know from the bottom of my heart that I'm sorry. I am here and listening and whatever this is that's going to 'be' in your life, you are not alone and you are and will be well supported. I mean that. Distance and time and life haven't separated us and all these upcoming changes in your life won't, either. We're not the kind of friends that camp with each other or travel together - but we are the kind of friends that stick together like glue - we always have and I hope we always will. So whatever is needed, count me in. Whenever you need it, I'll be there. I'll be the same friend you've been to me over the years as I transitioned careers and faced other life challenges. I promise. Cross my heart.