Daddy-oh-Daddy

I was reading some of the blogs I follow and one of the writers was sharing how her 14 month old son has suddenly started wanting his Daddy to do the nap time or bed time routine, instead of his mom. And she's fine with it - hey, she's been the full time primary caregiver of the little boy for 14 months and has been waiting (read praying) for the day when her son would prefer his dad.

It made me think about when B. was a baby - and he'd wake up every morning and stand in his crib and say 'Daddy o daddy' - all run together, like that was his name - 'Daddy O. Daddy'. I still can hear his little voice calling. It was all Daddy, all the time in our house when the kids were little. J. was as much the 'primary caregiver' as me and in fact, J. did more in many ways. He was the 'poop king' (dirty diapers beware) and the prince of baths. He couldn't wait to get home every night to see the baby (and me) and would play and play (with the baby - um, he'd play with me, too, later, after the baby was in bed but this is a family blog so I'll skip that part) until it was time for the baby to get to bed. He was (and still is) an incredibly involved dad and the kids frequently asked for him. Still do, pretty much.

Mostly, they ask for him now 'cuz they know what they're about to ask requires their dad's patience and/or his guyness. There are plenty of things happening around here that only a(nother) man will get. PLENNNNTTTTYYY. I try to just stay out of it all and let the 'men folk' work it out.

I sometimes still long for those 'early' days, wishing I could be like the stay at home moms I see around our neighborhood. Out for a walk with the baby in a stroller, dog on a leash, iPod in their ear. We weren't able to financially afford for me to be home - or so we thought at the time. And I kind of regret that decision back then, 'cuz it has made our 'two income household' a way of life - and it's hard to go back from that once you're in it. We could have made a lot of different decisions back then and maybe I could have stayed home with the babies. That picture, that dream of doing that would be bliss in this house, in this time. But back then, in what to me was a dark, dreary, stressful condo nightmare, it would have been a serious mistake. I would have gone completely loony in that place all alone with one and then two small boys. Getting out of that place everyday with work to go to was probably what saved me, really. And so I can't really regret doing that 'cuz it got us to here. And here is great.

I don't regret a thing, but I do wish I had the clarity and communication skills I have now way back then. I could have been more communicative about what I really wanted - to be home with my boys in a real house. And while that decision would have been incredibly hard for J. - BART didn't come out to Pleasanton at that time and a commute from 'out in the valley' would have been incredibly long - we might have been able to have a home out here, or even in Livermore, that might have made me staying home feasible.

I know that all the decisions we've made, and I've made have led me to now, and to this. And this is magical. These years, in this house, with this family have been absolutely, without a doubt the best, happiest days of my entire life. Really, truly redefined happiness for me. This is my place and my home and these 3 men are my peeps. And I wouldn't change a thing - past or present.

But their baby years disappeared in the blink of an eye. And I wish I had realized that while it was happening. I mean - I realized it. But I didn't get that it really, truly would be over so quickly.

Good thing I still have amazing memories of that time, including hearing their little voices - B.'s 'daddy-o-daddy', as one example. And H. asking 'want 'nup' - which was his way of saying he wanted to be picked up. 'nup' he'd say, with his little arms stretched up. So sweet. So cute. So mine...and his. Bliss.