Something

This post has been building for some time. I just have to write this. No, to those who read this and know me - I'm not losing it. I'm not. But I need to write this so it's known.

There's something happening to me, in my heart. This relationship with God is real for me. I don't know what His plan is for me or why it's taken 47 years for me to feel like this about Him. But I do. And I can't ignore this anymore.

There is a reason for this. I don't know the reason yet, and maybe I never will. Maybe it's just enough for me to put it out there into the blogosphere. So that those of you who read and know me will know that I know something is going to happen - something. God is urging me to draw ever closer to Him and while I question it and try to ignore it, I can't. He is with me every second of every day in a way that I've never experienced before. And it scares the crap out of me but at the same time, it makes me peaceful and so incredibly joy-filled, I honestly can't put it into words. I don't know what changes are afoot - I wish I did. I just know that there's a reason this 'calling' is happening and I have to listen. And do what He's asking, which at the moment seems to be 'trust Me'. So I am.

There are many songs I listen to now that I can't hear without tears. Some remind me of the kids. Some remind me of Jesus' sacrifice and His love for me - and for my family and friends. Some just fill me up to the brim with emotions that I've never had before - in this relationship with God that I've always had just under the surface but apparently, was never open enough to accept. I'm listening to "Mercy Reigns" at the moment with a smile on my lips and tears running down my cheeks.

I don't know what the 'something' is. I hope it's as joy-filled as it feels. There is more joy in my heart than I've ever known....like an ever-growing happiness and peace that just gets bigger and bigger everyday. I keep trying to 'lessen' it somehow. But the more I try to squash it, the bigger it gets. I'm not sure I 'get' it and I know I'm not explaining it well. It's truly the first indescribable feeling I've ever had. And it isn't something I was 'looking' for...or hoping for.
It's not like I have these feelings because I'm lacking something else - and that's what makes it so incredible to me, even more so. Because I know these feelings ARE God in my life. I'm not 'searching' or seeking or hoping to 'feel' him. I DO feel him. Everyday. In everything I do, in all I am. And I just can't get over that.

I just want all who read this blog to know: Jesus is Lord. I know that. And whatever is happening, it's all good. It's all OK. I will be fine. We will be fine. I know that.

When you see me again, I won't be noisy about this. That's not me. I've been quietly faithful my entire life. I won't become someone who irritates the heck out of people. More than anything, I just want it 'known' that this is what's happening to me - this is where my heart is. Because you never know. I want those around me to know that it - whatever 'it' is - it's all OK. I know that with every ounce of my being.

J., when you read this, there is no 'issue' that needs K's intervention. I'm great. Really great. And I'm not going to become an annoying Christian. I'm just going to continue to be your (occasionally) annoying wife and I'm so happy you are on this faith journey with me. And I love you very much. Just sayin'.

Your mercy reigns
Your mercy comes
Your mercy falls
and rises with the sun
Your mercy reigns
Your mercy comes
Your mercy falls
and rises with the sun

its new every morning
its new every morning
its good enough for me

"Mercy Reigns"
Shane & Shane