Sorrow [Redo]

I am at home on lunch, lest you think that I am blogging on company time.

Yesterday was an incredibly challenging, difficult day. I had thought since I was in briefly on Wednesday last week that I would be 'over' the shock of C. I was wrong. I stepped into our building, saw his cubicle and the tears started. There are flowers, pictures, hand written notes and his obituary carefully placed in and on his cubicle walls. I checked my voice mails - and somehow made it into the 'saved' messages - and the first voice I heard was C. telling me that he was on his way back from lunch but he had a flat tire and so he didn't think he'd be back 'cuz 'I need to take care of my bike'. The bike that killed him. Tears commenced again and didn't let up for most of the day. I was a wreck. I wasn't doing a good job of 'leading through adversity' but I did the best I could. We all muddled through the day.

My frustration, anger and sadness about C. is showing itself in the usual way - with my family, I am short, out of patience and frazzled. I do my best - do what I can do but find the parenting component of my life to be particularly challenging. The teen years are fraught with issues and I struggle to deal. It's always a struggle but particularly when grief and sadness is lurking in the corner. Add to that a healthy dose of overwhelmed (with work) combined with a fair amount of (never far from the forefront) insecurity - I am the most securely insecure person around at times - and I can go from sublime to freaking out in a matter of hours. OK - minutes.

I know this to be a low. It will pass. The lows always do. I muddle through my days, try to get through it. Make extra efforts to 'take care' of myself - take vitamins, get some extra sleep, eat better. I even went for a walk yesterday. Trying to acknowledge to myself that I am in need of TLC and care and it starts with me. I'm worth it. I get up everyday, get myself to work, help get the kids out the door to school. What I'd rather do is crawl into bed, pull a pillow over my head and stay there for whatever length of time it takes for this 'interval' to pass. But I won't. I have two children to set an example for and myself to answer to - so pulling the covers over my head and 'ignoring' what will be a challenging day - is not an option.

B. and I talked for close to an hour last night after we'd both gone to bed frustrated and pissed. I went back into his room and said 'B., I don't think two people should go to sleep angry at each other so lets try to talk this through'. We made a bit of headway in sharing our respective 'positions' about certain things. For now, I reminded B. that we are his 'directors' and following our 'directives' is his job. It's not a job he likes nor wants to have - and frankly, it's not a responsibility I am particularly enjoying either. His adulthood will be here soon enough and when he is an adult, then he can give himself directives and choose to follow or not follow them. But until then, he lives by our 'rules' and our instructions. Plain and simple. It is what it is.

It is what it is - may be our new family phrase. You do what needs to be done. It's called life - it's a messy, complicated quagmire of opportunities and challenges and there's no way to get through but to just get through. Even the challenging times. Especially the challenging times. It's our responsibility as humans - to make it through for ourselves. For each other. It's the best we can do. It is what it is - some days incredibly challenging and you spend the day wanting it to be over and dreaming of other happier times. Other days sublime - which you never remember when you're in the midst of a crashing low. But if you just hold on and muddle through, you'll get to the other side of the 'bad day'. A bad day is just a bad day. That's all it is. It feels like a lot more than that when you're in the middle of it. But in the end, it is what it is - just a day that wasn't that great.

The memorial service for C. is Saturday. For now, my goal is to get through that. And the reception after which our district is hosting for the family. It will be a long, painful, sad day - but we will pull together and get through it. This new district is my 'new' [work] family and we will make it through. We want to honor C. and his memory and let his family know how much he was loved and how much we will miss him. Just get through it. That's my goal. One day at a time - or an hour at a time, if that's all I can manage.

We miss you, C. You are never far from our thoughts. Oh, and by the way, we found your 'secret' stash of Kit Kats and Reese's cups yesterday. For now, we have left them where we found them. We each took a couple and ate them while saying 'we can't believe he never shared'. And then we laughed and said 'of course he never shared. He worked in an office of all women. If he had told us where they were, he'd never have any left'.