Then I realize that this might be our holidays for the rest of forever - visits that are jammed with a little drama; lots of comings and goings; time creeping by more quickly than I can fathom.
Just when I think my emotions are in check quite well - I'm 53 years old and there isn't much that gets me teary anymore - I prove that theory wrong by spending most of the early morning hours crying. And relieved that I didn't go to the airport with him 'cuz subjecting him to all my emotions only make his harder on him, too. Leavings are hard on all of us - not just me and J. and I have to constantly remind myself of that, lest I torture the young man with my grief at his departure.
(J. said 'well, that's a significant change from the the end of the first week when you couldn't wait for him to leave'. I replied 'he makes me crazy sometimes. He's a jerk sometimes. But he's still my son and I don't know when I'm going to see him again - and that makes me sad). He could return tomorrow and piss me off again and I'd be ready for him to go back home - but when he's leaving for home, it's always going to be hard to see him go. It's always going to be hard that he doesn't call this home anymore - and his 'home' is a base that may frequently change. He's a nomad, really - and that's hard for him to deal with to.
Home ain't home anymore. Olivia Newton John sang that in the 70's. It was hard for me to learn that as a young adult and now it's hard watching my oldest son learn that as a young adult. There will always be space for him here but this is not home for him these days.
We enjoyed a really wonderful family dinner at a very nice restaurant and spent a nice evening. B. left everything to the last minute (as is his way - he comes by that naturally on his maternal side, I believe since I'm cramming in a ton of work related stuff today since I did nothing on any of it during the entire break) so it was a wild evening.
We talked through his budget - trying to help him visualize his actual vs. his fantasy. He talks about a new car (someday) and other 'wants'. And he still owes us money which he can't really pay back at the moment - he eats out a lot so we talked about why. Turns out the full kitchen he has in his 'barracks apartment' doesn't actually have any cooking equipment. No dishes. No pots and pans. So we raided the boxes of 'stuff' from H.'s apartment and he borrowed a suitcase and took some stuff 'home' with him. He doesn't mind eating in - makes great fried egg sandwiches and loves chicken breasts sauteed in EVO. He just didn't have any equipment to do that with and didn't want to spend the money on it. We sent him back with some pots and pans and I told him to call me when he's at the Px next time and we can help him get a dish rack; plates; fry pans; etc. just like we did for H.'s apartment.
I'm hoping we can make a long weekend trip to El Paso in April....share our Europe pics and trip with him; see where he is and see that base. Making plans to see him soon will help 'cuz that's what's really got me flummoxed - we have no idea when we will see him in person again. Last year as he enlisted, we knew we would visit him in April. It was 'for sure'. This year, we have no idea when his next leave will be and/or if he'll be able to travel to see us.
The not knowing is very hard.
It's approaching 1PM and I still have work stuff to take care of. I brought home my 'stacks' of stuff and have been steadily weeding through stuff - culling so that's what's left is either to be filed; to be done; or recycle/shred. It's working. It will be nice to return with less clutter...and the culling has me making lists, prioritizing and strategizing on what I can delegate out in chunks to help get some big projects done quickly. Like in a week. 'Cuz I didn't do them over the break.
At the start of 17 days off, it always seems completely reasonable to think 'I'll do an hour or two a day and plow through so much stuff'. Then the days tick off one by one - and you think 'tomorrow'. Or 'there's still plenty of time left'.
It's over. The break is over. It's a joy to have it - and I realize it's not something folks get in most jobs. It's a blessing to have this block of time to spend with family....and enjoy time to do not much of anything if you're not inclined to.
I will post some pics of B. - his farewell photo (a new favorite) and a pic of his tattoo - in a couple days.
Even just typing that makes the lump in my throat return.
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