Oscar

I don't usually watch the Academy Awards. Not typically that interested. And last night was the same - but we watched it anyway because it was all that was on, pretty much.

And there was a moment last night when things in my life - things I've been struggling with, and will continue to struggle with, became instantly clearer. Things felt defined in a brief moment of sudden clarity. And in a stunning moment of beauty.

The song below won the Academy Award for Best Song. It's from a movie called "Once" - you can hear the song here: http://www.foxsearchlight.com/once/ . You can even download the song for free. Do listen to it, if you can. And download it, if you want. Because if you're like me, you'll want to listen to it over and over and over. It's also available on iTunes and looks like it's been downloaded a lot since last night.

Thanks to technology, I could look up everything I wanted to know about the song and the artists and their story - we did enjoy having access to the imdb database, also (www.imdb.com) where you can find out anything you want to know about movies, actors, etc.

I've said that music is a big part of what defines me. Everything in my life - so many big and small moments - moments of intense sadness and joy and sorry and longing - have all been clarified with songs. And this song below is no exception. Why it speaks to me so much now is part of the mystery. I recall visiting this movie's website not too long ago and think I listened to it then - and sadly, quickly forgot about the song and the movie.

But last night, and all day today, over and over and over on my PC's both home and at work, this song is speaking to me. Trying to help me figure something(s) out. I've bolded some of the words below to highlight the phrases that seem to 'get to me' more than others - but the entire song is lovely and reminds all of us to be brave and to trust....trust each other; trust love; trust ourselves to know what we need - and to go for it, whatever that 'it' is.

Games that never amount to more they're meant will play themselves out reminds me that the 'stuff' my work days are made of lately will resolve themselves eventually. Things will play out....which I say fairly frequently to myself and my boss. "I just have to let it all play out" has been my mantra the past few months. And here's a beautiful song to reinforce that.

Moods that make me and erase me and I'm painted black: the grey has returned. Some of you know what I mean. Some don't. Those who do, refer to line above 'will play themselves out'. Hopefully, it will. But I'm coming to the realization that maybe 'wishing' things felt better isn't enough? And that's a hard thing for me to admit - because I wish that weren't true. But wishing that really means I wish I wasn't me - and what sense does that make? I'm a package - it's all a part of who I am and all I've learned about who I am has to be for something....right? I mean, isn't it really time, as I approach 50, to just finally get over it and accept that sometimes, you just need help? And for me that 'sometimes' might be all the time? I think I'm trying to 'get' that finally - but I still resist. And persist in resisting.

You have suffered enough and warred with yourself. It's time that you won: and maybe acknowledging that fact (see above) and finally getting over the fear of just 'being' myself will stop the war? And I'll finally win? Even if winning means I acknowledge once and for all that I can't do this - I can't be 'better' without help. And/or maybe it means I have suffered enough - both related to the first and second points above - and it's time to go 'home' where I'm happy (returning to former job someday) as well as acknowledging that trying to make it through, day by day, hanging on by a fingernail at times, isn't enough?

If you saw the show, you saw how the two singers looked at each other throughout the performance - with smiles that lit up the room. And with that 'knowing' look you have with someone who you love and trust and adore. And more than anything, this song makes me think of J. Of having that feeling with someone else. The falling slowly, falling everyday...and knowing there's someone there to catch you. And how amazing that is - what a blessing it is to have that in my life. Someone who accepts all of the above with his heart and arms open wide. And not because that's what marriage is but because that's what HE is. It's just who he is. And he's my life partner and best friend and any and all hard times are immensely easier because he's with me through it all.



Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard
(as sung with Marketa Irglova)

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along