Taxing

Decided that I would accomplish at least ONE solid thing over this 4 day weekend - my last 'break' from work for the near future (except the week of Spring Break when we will be in HAWAII)...but there are large projects/reports/deadlines looming long before I get on that plane and the next few weeks are going to be mind-bogglingly taxing. I feel more stress the past 4 days of NOT working than I can even describe because I know what awaits. I am often paralyzed with fear...literally. Just fear. Fear of not knowing; fear of not doing; fear of just freaking out and running screaming from the building - which I want to do on a fairly regular basis anyway. But I won't. Yesterday, I was. I was planning how to leave, figuring how we would survive, planning to get two part-time jobs to try to bring in any income I could and then calculating how much we would have to dip into savings to survive on J's income until something else comes along. It's do-able. But I won't do it....won't put us in financial peril and won't be that selfish. But boy, how I want to. More than words can say. I feel consumed by the job and it's not a feeling I want or need or like. And as soon as I can get the heck out of there, I am. Without a doubt. It gets better, but not really. And it's always not great in a way I can't describe. And those feelings of 'hey, this really sucks' hit me on long weekends when I'm trying my hardest to relax a bit - trying to enjoy my time at home and away. But it never happens. I feel consumed and think, fairly often, that this level of stress is just not healthy - and it's not worth it. I don't need the 'prestige' or the title - why am I doing this? I don't need this level of angst on a daily basis.

So today, I decided to tackle our taxes. Realizing as I worked on them that if the net number was seriously in the red and we owed BIG BUCKS, I was most likely doing the thing that would, quite possibly, send me over the edge. Because if I'm working this hard at a truly deeply stress-full job and end up realizing that NONE of the so called 'extra' money was making it's way into our bottom line, but instead was going to Uncle Sam, I was done for.

Entered J's income and we were getting a 9K refund. Great....but I knew it was too good to be true. Entered my W-2 info and the number went in the red - by thousands. But with deductions, donations, etc. we appear to be 'in the black' just slightly. We claim the fewest exemptions on his salary and the most on mine, since that's what the IRS tells you to do - and it seems to have worked. Still a bit to do to finalize that number - we gave a fair amount of clothing, etc. to charity and I still have to use the tax software to help assess the value of those items and then enter it - but it looks like we're OK. Our 'economy stimulus' tax rebate will likely go to pay our tax bill, but I can live with that. At least we're not shelling out serious $$ from savings. We've had to do that in years past and it sickens me...so as soon as I took the job in town, I upped my withholding big time, and J. did too. And he's putting double in his 401K than we were and that's helping as well - anything we can do to lower our taxable income, we are doing it.

J. took the boys to the golf course for a round of golf. B. did not make the golf team which surprises no one, including him. He gets himself 'driven' to do things, but always at the last minute. Deciding to try out just a couple months before the actual try-outs. Before that, he's enjoyed a few rounds of golf but certainly not a lot - and not in anyway demonstrating any true love of the game. He plays with friends and/or his brother and dad now and then, but he's a casual golfer. So he isn't surprised he didn't make it. And I'm proud of him for trying, but I also try to remind him that working hard consistently over a long period of time is what makes someone good at things - so if he really loves the game, he should keep playing and try out next year. We'll see.

We made a trip to Costco and really tried to watch the budget. They had gorgeous bamboo rugs which would look terrific in the family room - but I resisted. We did buy a shelf unit for the garage because we have made progress and need a place to put our 'extras' of things on shelves instead of on the garage floor. So we'll work on that next weekend - and may invest in one more shelf depending on what's still needing to be moved up off the floor. Still can't get a car in there, but we will after the Spring Cleanup pickup when we get rid of the old couch, H's old bed and various other items that have been offered on freecycle.org but with no takers, so far.

I am heading over the hill to Livermore to have dinner at Casa Oroszco with my friend J. She's had some major 'life events' of her own this past month and I want to catch up on how it's going and what's new. Always fun to see her...and she always helps me talk things through and get my head on straight. I need that....was desparate to see her yesterday when I felt like I was really freaking out about the job, etc....and while I feel 'better' today (for reasons I can't explain since there is absolutely nothing about the situation(s) at my job that changed overnight), I still want her perspective and insight and suggestions. And I want to offer mine for her, since she is now where I was - laid off and wondering what's next. She'll land on her feet, which is what she always said about me way back when - and I know it will be better than she ever imagined. 'Cuz that's how these things turn out, typically. Life after the corporate world is very sweet...even when you land in a job that you're not sure you should have landed in.