Fantasy

I'm off today and have time to fantasize. 'Cuz that's what I do on days off. Especially when my hubby is home, too.

OK, not that kind of fantasy.

I play a lot of 'time management' games online - and many these days involve some kind of farming. Planting, sowing, selling your product, crossing plants to create new plants. It's a fun way to pass what little down time I feel I have and it requires some skills in inventory management, planning ahead, etc. I like it. Granted, it's not physical labor like a real farm would be, and I'm sure it's a lot of hard work. But it interests me. And like when I had left my corporate life and had time to think about 'what do I want to do with the rest of my life', the fantasy of living on a farm somewhere is intriguing to me.

The fantasy part comes in when I factor in that we probably could actually do that right this very minute. Sell our home, sell many of our possessions and move somewhere where procuring a small home and a piece of land is do-able, as is living off our investments in this much smaller home. We would grow our own food. Our 'splurges' would be high speed internet. We wouldn't live 'high on the hog' - and we'd both probably try to find at least part-time jobs to supplement our income and make our draw on our savings/investments smaller each month. But it is probably feasible to consider. It is scary as hell to consider it, but it is feasibly do-able.

So on days like today, I think about that. I wonder why we keep getting up every day and heading into jobs that are making both of us nuts. Where we start each day saying 'another day, another dollar ninety five'. (We used to say 'another dollar' but with inflation and everything, and acknowledging that we make a lot momre than we did when we were first married, we upped it a bit). Where we come home wiped out, frustrated, stressed. And those feelings are becoming our 'norm'. We don't know any other way of 'life' so we think this is 'normal'. And it isn't. It honestly isn't - and if it is, it shouldn't be.

I'm on realtor.com and I'm looking at homes in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. There are some lovely homes available, on half acre to full acre lots. We could grow fresh veggies, maybe raise chickens for eggs. Spend our days working in the garden, working at the local diner a few days a week, etc. I ask J. (sitting behind me working away, since he works at home most Fridays) 'does it snow a lot in Idaho'. He chuckles ('cuz he knows what I'm doing) and says 'uh, yeah, honey, it does. A LOT'. 'Hmm', I reply - I acknoweldge that I'm reasonably sure I'd hate the snow and it would also be hard to grow food during winter months. Which would mean we'd grow a lot in Spring and Summer and I'd have to learn to can stuff for the winter months. That could be fun - but still, I don't like snow. I'll have to stay further west.

I know we won't do this, at least not in the immediate future. We have the kids (oh, yes,.....the kids...right....we have kids) and we love our home here. But this life is not sustainable on even one income, at least not as it's currently fashioned. So we stay. We keep plugging away. Saving as much as we can for our future. Surviving day to day.

Are we cowards? I think we're both pretty brave since we have high visibility, high stress jobs that we keep showing up at everyday - and that takes guts most days, let me tell you. But I wish often that we were brave enough to dare to see a different life for ourselves. Maybe in 7 years when the kids are out of college (hopefully) and we have more time to ponder our future and more money in the bank - 7 more years of saving and 'buying low' (since the market has tanked) is a good thing for investments. So we'll have to see where we are.

And I find strange comfort in this notion - that if things got REALLY bad ....I mean REALLY, REALLY BAD, we could pick up and leave. Move somewhere else. Survive on far less income than we're living on now. It's not that we will do it. But like dreaming of winning the lottery (which I also do twice a week, every week), it's the hope and the dream that can keep you moving forward. It's having faith that it will all work out, just the way it's supposed to - and be better than we ever imagined, as so much of our 'now' has turned out to be. I live for that. I hold onto that.

And I pray a lot, because God already has our plan in His hands and we just have to go where we are to be...where He guides our hearts to end up. And I have faith in Him, too, and I know it will be great. Better than I can ever imagine. And I live for that, too. I hold onto that as well.

It's the best I can do, even on days off.