Overload

When H. was a baby, he had what would now be called a sensory overload issue. He melted down frequently. He couldn't handle loud noises, extended periods of constant 'stimulation' - noise, sights, etc.
He melted down once in a Denny's somewhere between here and Bandon, OR when he was only 2 months old - I ended up sitting outside with him trying to calm him down - walking with him, rocking, cooing, singing. Nothing worked. He screamed bloody murder for almost 30 minutes before conking out. He did the same thing on an airplane flight to Phoenix when he was two - screamed so much I had to sit by the exit door with him, as far away from everyone as possible until he finally calmed down enough to conk out. When he needs sleep, he NEEDS sleep and when he was little, he would get crazed - and 'shutting down' wasn't something he was able to do easily when we were in a place there was too much activity. He also melted down frequently on long car trips when he'd rebel against being in a car seat - he liked to sleep lying down, like most people, and would get really pissed off when confined to a seat. As if to say 'people aren't made to sleep sitting up, you know, and I just won't do it'. He still doesn't like loud noises - movies bother him. And if he's tired, he'll get pretty grumpy - and then insist he's not grumpy and he's fine. But he's learned to cope more. He doesn't melt down much anymore - it's been years since he's cried about anything because he'd 'had enough'.

I've been feeling a lot like he must have felt - when it's all just too much and you really want some quiet. A peaceful 'break' from the 'stuff' bombarding your senses and your brain. Only you can't get one. The stuff just keeps coming at you. Today, I actually had to close my office door because the 'chatter' happening in the office was making me nuts. Granted, I was noodling over some fairly large numbers and trying to reconfirm some assumptions I'd made weeks ago - which today were making no sense. But still, it's not like me to just 'hit a wall' in terms of 'overload'. But I did. And it made me remember H. and how as his mom, I learned to be aware of his 'overload' point. He has always been 'sensitive' to too much of anything, really. I was wishing there was someone who could take me to the bulkhead area and let me 'get it all out of my system'. Just for a little bit.

I have had those feelings quite a lot in this new job. It's a big job. Huge. More responsibility than I've ever had in my life - and I've always had jobs with a lot of responsibility. It's not that I can't do it - not that I'm not capable of doing the job. It's just being sure the desire to do it is there - being 'up' for the challenge is a relative term 'cuz some days, I'm just too pooped to be 'up' for much of anything. Overwhelmed is a good word to use to describe it - it's honestly the only word that's adequate. And I've rarely used that word in my life - but use it frequently now. It's a lot of work - and the level of hutspa needed to keep all the balls in the air appropriately, with the velocity and the number of the airborne objects varying day to day, sometimes minute by minute is challenging. And I'm someone who juggles pretty well -

The good news is - my district has a budget. Or they will have when the Board hopefully approves it next week. It is 'done' - though there is still a lot of stuff to do to prepare for the Board meeting - but the budget itself is prepared and downloaded and analyzed and documented. To the 'n-th' degree.

After weeks of 13+ hour days, back to back, I left after only a 9 hour day today - at 3:30. Came home and rested a bit - not a nap really, just dozed. So tired. And now I'm actually cooking dinner for the family - a rare event lately.

Tomorrow, I will be right back at it - still much to do and I haven't touched any of my 'regular' work for the past few days. And year-end is looming - it's also a 'big job' and it's all mine. So the summers will be a lot busier around here from now on.

I feel up for the challenge. But I am hoping to not need to work this weekend - I could really use two days off in a row! Like H., I'll learn to cope and figure out ways to destress before I freak out. I hope. Otherwise, it's going to be a long haul until retirement.