Homesick

I don't write much about my new job. It's a great job. Good people. I like it there. I really do.

The only downside is - I don't love it. And that might be something that just takes time - love does 'grow' over time so perhaps it's just a matter of it's only been a few months. I'm learning and making friends and feeling like a 'part' of the team more and more everyday. And yet, I don't love it.

It probably wouldn't matter - IF I hadn't left a job that I did actually, truly love. Really, REALLY love. With people I love. Really, REALLY love. But it does matter because I did leave that job -

I attended the year-end celebration at the college for those retiring, celebrating their 10th, 20th or 30th anniversaries, etc. Among the retirees this year are the college president and the district chancellor. And my former boss is now the interim-President - a distinction and title he is so perfect for, so deserving of. He is the most amazing leader I've ever known or worked with. He is quite possibly the most amazing leader I will EVER work with. And you don't 'get over' that experience. You really don't.

I've been praying a lot lately - really praying. Asking God to help me know what I should do; where I should be. And tonight, on the way home from the college visit, I realized that I'd lost the bracelet I've worn for a year - a sterling silver bracelet that says 'the idea being to accept fully what you are'. It's a Jeanine Payer. I gave one just like it to my therapist, K., this time last year when I stopped seeing her.

I saw K. again last week. Needed someone to talk to. Needed to think things through.

And now, the bracelet is gone. I've been praying for a sign. Something to show me that God is listening and can give me some guidance on what I should do. And the truth is: I think He did. Because the one thought that runs through my mind daily - and has since I accepted this new job is: this is not who I am. This 'new' job is a fine job. And I will be very good at it someday. But it's not me. It really isn't. Not because it's too much - it's a lot but I can handle it. I'm smart, motivated, driven. But it's not me because I want to be an administrator - but I want that at my 'old' district. I can stay here forever in this 'new' job and be completely fine - and I just might end up doing that. I don't know. And there isn't an 'administrator' job open at my old place and probably won't be. So I if being an administrator is what I want - then here is where I should stay.

The bracelet fell off somewhere today. I doubt I will find it. I hope I can replace it. But it is gone.

I will keep praying and hoping and seeking. And continue to show up everyday and do my best. Learn and grow and get better at it. And take it one day at a time. And someday, I'll know what to do. Where I should be.

Not tonight.