MMD

MMD will now and forever be secret code, OK?  So if I use MMD in the blog, you will know how the day(s) have gone/are going.

Major Melt Down.  That's what Friday was.  I'm not sure what triggered it but it started very first thing in the morning in the middle of a meeting that I had to stop 'cuz I was too emotional to get through it.  The person I was meeting with said something that triggered immediate strong emotion and tears and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  Not a thing. I ended the meeting and proceeded to lose it.

My door closed, Kleenexes littering my desk, more MMD followed.  It was a long morning of a lot of stuff that I had apparently been tamping down all week.  I hadn't had a good cry in days 'cuz I'm back at work and there's no time to cry.  I was getting a lot of stuff out on the drive between Modesto and home when H. was in the hospital but now, my commute is all of 1.7 miles with a detour to McDonald's for my teas and a breakfast burrito.  No time to cry in the drive through line, either.

I think it was just a compilation of a week of being back at work in a job that is complex, complicated, busy, constant, never-ending and detailed....and me trying to pretend that things were normal when they aren't.

My boss was clued in that I was having a hard day and showed up.  Closed the door.  I said 'I really don't know that you want to voluntarily enter my office for a discussion 'cuz I am a wreck'....and he basically said 'I'm here and let's talk so we can figure out what to do that might help'.  I like him more and more everyday because he truly is a good guy.

I don't know what the 'answers' are and I'm not sure what (if anything) will change.  I described it like this:  when I gave birth - both times I gave birth - I vividly remember that the first time I left the house without the new baby (usually within a few days of having them), I felt like I should be wearing a sign or something that was flashing 'a human just exited my body and my world is now spinning on a different axis'.  That level of life-alteration is something you can't comprehend for a bit.  That's how I felt on Friday - like my world is tilting precariously on an axis that has me threatening to slide off....and while I did a decent job M-Th holding on, by Friday there was no strength left in my fingertips....and I had to let go a little bit.

There's no real change in H.'s status that warranted such a meltdown mode - but I guess I needed it.  He's now day three post chemo and other than sleeping in until noon yesterday (and late again today, it looks like), he's doing pretty well.  He's taking the nausea meds 'cuz he feels 'queasy' and getting ahead of symptoms is key - but he's been out and about as he feels like it.

He's 'fine'.  He looks completely fine.  It's odd really - to look at him ...see him doing normal things..wanting to do normal things....knowing he's not 'normal' at the moment.  It's strange. I work really hard at letting him be - I remember what the pulmonologist said when she was trying to get everyone to agree to take him off the ventilator - 'let's let him be normal'.  So I try to do that.

I worked yesterday and feel immensely better.  No, nothing changed.  I still have more to do than seems humanly possible at this point but I did start on budget and made progress and have lists and things ready to delegate and things prioritized.  That's progress.  I can see laminate on my desk again which is also progress.  I reminded myself (as did others) that I honestly hadn't really regrouped from being off for the two weeks in Europe and then I was suddenly and unexpectedly out of the office again for over two weeks...and I really 'let go' on both of those breaks.  Didn't think about work much (which is really good for me to do now and then) but then it's just a mind-boggling thing to jump back in.  So that's probably why the end of the first week back was so hard.

J. is at church and H. is still sleeping so I'm heading to the shower and then to work for a bit. I may bring the laptop home 'cuz there are some data entry things I think I could do here at home on my work laptop that will help some.

H. has his PET scan tomorrow and we will get the results of that on the 15th before his next chemo infusion.  Fingers crossed it confirms Stage 1 - that the tumor and cancer is only in his chest and hasn't gone to any other organs or lymph nodes outside his chest.

I'm sure these MMD days will come and go. It's always the 'not knowing' that's the hardest for me.  For someone who likes to know the end of the movie and the end of the book before enjoying watching or reading, it's impossibly hard to feel that constant sense of 'I don't know the ending'.  I don't do 'I don't have any idea how this turns out' well, apparently.

Tomorrow night, J. and I head to the Fox Theater in Oakland to enjoy Ingrid Michaelson in concert.  I appreciate J. coming with - it's not a singer he's really crazy about (or even knows, really) but Oakland at night is not a place to navigate solo.  We did reserved seats in the balcony 'cuz I can't stand 'floor standing'....and we'll wedge in a nice dinner somewhere.  Or spring for the 'secret' private bar for before and after the show which has appetizers.  I can't wait to see her in person - her music gets to my core and she's really amazing.  

Another day in the trenches in the quiet with no interruptions will do me a world of good. Once I start making progress, everything becomes easier.