Leaving on a Jet Plane (Not)

As expected, my thoughts today are consumed with 'we would be heading to the airport; we would be boarding the plane; we would be winging our way towards our paradise'.  We're not.  I am sad about that. Then I feel immediately, completely, totally selfish and possibly the worst mom in the world for thinking like that.  We are where we need to be.

It's just that H. is so 'normal' in spite of the complete, train-wreck lack of normalcy we are living through. He doesn't technically need us....but he has another round of chemo on Tuesday.  He needs a ride to/from and some gentle encouragement during the hard few days after to take his meds and try to rest a bit.  Heck - if we could have timed it right, he could practically go with us for a few days...but oh well.

Fingers crossed we can make it to Playa in October.

B. arrived home Friday night and it's always a joy to see him.  The most fun part is watching Chloe slowly figure out that the person she is barking her head off about is her beloved human brother and then the two of them proceed to have an hour long love-fest.  Lots of cuddles and playing.  It's so fun.  She smiles from ear to ear for hours.

J. and I spent time outside yesterday - we are cleaning out the compost bin and inventorying items we will no longer compost.  The bio bin is full at the moment (J.'s been trimming trees, too) so when it's emptied on Tuesday, we will continue to clear out the 'old' not great compost and start over.  We took lawn chairs over to the grass area under the shady trees.  Even ran the heater a bit to take the chill off the pool.  Cleaning out the bin got me hot enough to take a dip in the pool.  We lazed around for a bit.  It wasn't beachy but it was fun.  More of that today -

I started juicing on Monday this week - make concoctions of lots of spinach; apples; cucumber; celery; nectarines.  It's delicious and surprisingly satisfying.  I'm not doing the 100% juice fast thing - I can't manage that...but drinking healthy juice for one or two meals a day leads to eating healthier pretty much most of the time.  [We had Taco Bell for dinner last night.  I know.  But it was quick, easy and inexpensive. And made H. happy.  B. was out and about so it was just the three of us....].

I was off on Friday and am off tomorrow as well....though lunching with a colleague tomorrow but that won't feel like work.  Then at work Tuesday and Wednesday and then off.  I'm excited about being off but a little worried 'cuz I feel sad being home vs. in another country.  I can't handle 18 days of sad.

J. and I are going to take a day trip up north - Lodi/Galt area and just look at new homes for the fun of it. I look at around at all this stuff and think 'how will we ever move all this stuff'.  Time to cull!  I'm sending my banjo off to a 17 year old son of a friend in Memphis.  Selling it on Ebay for pennies on the dollar doesn't give me joy - while blessing a young man who's obsessed with music and will enjoy it beyond words does. So off it goes - after a visit to our local music store to have new strings put on.

Today, I'm going to try to make a homemade pie crust and some berry cobblers to go with dinner.  I have no idea what dinner is going to be yet but I'll figure something out.  Maybe shrimp fettucine.

Simple

The weekend passed too quickly and I basked in the glory of simple pleasures.  

Sleeping in until 8 or 9 all three days.  My beloved greeting me with a hot cup of coffee and enjoying that the dog's morning routine was already done - and not by me.  

Tried to nap - couldn't so binged watched Sherlock on Netflix.

Meal planning and grocery shopping.  J. to Costco and me to Winco and both of us spent within $10 of the other.  Tons of food in the house and menus planned for a couple weeks.  Leaning more toward crock pot meals or stove top stuff to keep from heating up the oven.  I really like meal planning and even the shopping when I have the time to enjoy it.  

Unloading everything alone wasn't great.  Where is H. when we need him?  He can help unload groceries, for crying out loud.  

A little yard work.  J. hooked me up to the blower/vac (as a vac) and I cleaned out the neighbor's leaves from the pool equipment area.  Too short for the way the shoulder 'bag' feature was set up and bashing into things and wondering what in the heck was getting in my way.  Oh yeah - the bag of air inflated around my waist.  Filling with mulched up leaves as we went.  

J. put together my new outdoor chair - sort of like a hammock with a frame and you tilt back and lean forward to sit up or lay down.  Ready for our 'stay-cation' in a couple weeks.  

Feeling ready to tackle a zillion things - and tacking just a few.  Enjoying some rest and relaxation after a couple really long months.  

Looking forward to a four day weekend coming up this weekend.  Then two days of work and then off for eighteen days in a row!!  Eighteen days of sleeping in....resting...relaxing.  B. arrives home a week from this Friday and stays until the 13th.  I'm heading back to Jackson that morning for a couple (more) nights of 'just me' time.  Can't wait!

Polish Proverb

And words to live by.  (Hi, S!  I love that we both found this and now it's 'ours')....

On my first weekday off in FOREVER, I repeat this to myself over and over....often wishing I didn't have the kind of job where getting 'pulled in' is the standard.

I slept in (which was hard) and because I did that, I awoke with the beginnings of a caffeine withdrawal headache and sore joints.  The morning has been much of nothing and it is a leisurely day at Casa Us.

We were planning to head to Jackson today to provide H. with a little R&R - he is bummed that he wasn't able to go camping in Yosemite with friends but this chemo round has hit him pretty hard.  He's not feeling great and while J. and I were at dinner out on Wednesday evening, he came to the conclusion on his own that he really shouldn't camp.  It's risky to be at high risk of infection, a few days post-chemo in the middle of nowhere with no cell phone coverage and no transportation home in the event you need to get home.

So Jackson was an idea - but H. isn't feeling well enough today and that's fine.  We've got the rest of the weekend; I have a four-day weekend next weekend (yeah!) then two days of work and off for two and half weeks - yes, in a row!  We have plenty of opportunities to go.

Our dinner out on Wednesday was with old friends - from J.'s days in the band when we first met and dated. Two really fun couples and we passed the evening away with lots of musical memories and good food.  Nice to see them and one of the couples drove down from Oregon for a family reunion and we haven't seen them in over 10 years.  It was a lot of fun and a nice break.  I was glad I forced myself to go - 'cuz I really had a fun time and thought 'we should do this more often'!

Since we aren't heading to Jackson, I'm going to indulge in a nap!  Awaken to hopefully a swim!

Desperation

I was approaching the point I always get to on my gambling jaunts.  Not winning - not losing terribly but not winning much and realizing the obsession phase of the weekend was commencing.  To thwart that, I took $40 from my wallet and meandered away from the penny/nickel slots I'd been playing and headed toward the $1 slots.  I said to myself 'I'm going to put $40 in a machine and see what happens and then I'm done!'.

So I did that...and I kept winning....the machine was hot and it kept paying enough to keep me going.

And then this happened:

Just under $3,000!!  It was incredibly exciting and unexpected and thrilling....wow.  And the best part was I was able to play a bit more with 'wild abandon'.  Not too much - but just enough.

The hotel was absolutely beautiful and it was a lovely weekend.  I can't wait to go back and think I will in August.  I could use another R&R weekend alone.  It went way too quickly.

All's well at home.  The boys survived.  I'm glad to be home.  I made it through an 'easy' day at work and am winding up for a busy week.  Hoping to be off Friday - maybe Thursday, too.  I could sure use some days off.

The rash is back.  Finished the antibiotics and the rash hugely improved.  But the meds are gone and the rash is back - so back to the doctor tomorrow.

H. thinks we should just go to Jackson every weekend and bring home money.  I reminded him that I've been gambling since I was 21 and here I am - 34 years later and I just won the largest jackpot I've ever won.  If only it were that easy.

So now, I'm heading to Jackson every Father's Day weekend - hopefully J. can come with me next time.  Or not.

Me and my alone time enjoyed our visit with each other and we want to do so more often.  It's the hermit, recluse in me - can't help it.

Uncle Mac

My uncle passed away last Wednesday.  I got a voice mail from my cousin in Oklahoma City and accidentally pressed the totally wrong button and deleted the voice mail before listening to it.  I knew what she was going to tell me.  He's been unwell for some time and we knew his transition to the next world wasn't long away.  I phoned and yes, he died that morning.  Her words were the most fitting description - a great loss.  So true.  He was a wonderful husband, dad, grandfather, brother, uncle, preacher, leader....the list goes on and on.  He touched many, many hearts in his time on earth and he was our family rock.

Uncle Mac rode in the car with my older brother and sister when they came to pick up my younger sister and I when our dad died.  I remember that like it was yesterday.  Uncle Mac in the back seat with my younger sister and me in the front with my brother and sister.  My brother was in his dress Marine uniform and the minute I saw him get out of the car in my aunt's driveway (this was my Arizona aunt - not Mac's wife.  Mac and his wife Edith flew in from Oklahoma to be there for my mom and us kids.  My Arizona aunt and uncle took care of us when our dad was in the hospital...Aunts and Uncles are sure a blessing), I knew something was up.  While my aunt tied my shoes, I said 'why is Skip here?'.

In the car on the way back home, my brother and sister told me our dad had died.  I cried.  My younger sister kept asking Uncle Mac 'why is M. crying?'.

We cried a lot over the next few days - and in the absence of our mother.  I have no recollection of seeing her in those first few days.  I'm sure she was there but everyone else took care of us and I don't remember her at all in the days leading up to the funeral.

I do remember Mac - playing with my little sister and I in our bedroom.  Kenner Easy Bake Oven cranking out all kinds of treats and Mac dutifully tasting all of them.  We shared this memory with him later in our lives and he didn't remember.  That's OK.  I remember.

Mac was always a rock for my mom.  She was the oldest of their family and she took care of the younger siblings quite a bit.  I know it must have been so incredibly hard for her to realize she was the sole caregiver and breadwinner for a family of four kids.  What a shock that must have been.  She often said that if she hadn't had me and my little sister (her surprise children 10+ years apart from her older kids), she would have wanted to just give up.  The two older ones were pretty close to being out on their own....but she had us.  She had to figure out what to do and how to do it to keep us OK.  And she did.  Mac was one of her strength-givers when she needed it.  Always there for her.

I also spoke to my Aunt M. who was there in OKC at my cousin's house.  She is the last surviving sibling in the family and I know that must be so hard for her.  I can only imagine what that's like...and it feels so sad.

I didn't go to the services - they were yesterday in OKC.  Work deadlines (including the 'new' added Thursday evening board meeting before the regular Tuesday board meeting which will now be a regular thing at budget time each year) kept me home.

Yesterday, this creature visited our yard - kept flitting about and landing here and there over and over.

Not at all afraid of us - it just kept flying about and landing...then taking off again and re-landing.

I'm sure it was Mac.  Maybe my Mom.  But likely Mac.  I know it's silly.  But seems like we have dragonflies now and then usually after someone's left the earth - and it's always so comforting to me.  A simple reassurance that all is OK.  Even in the loss and the grief and the dismay at losing someone so beloved.  It's OK.  It will be OK.

God has another angel - a learned man who loved the Lord more than anyone I've ever known.  God and preaching and building the church were Mac's main purpose on this earth and he did a wonderful job. Raised a family of kids and grand kids and nieces and nephews who saw someone live a good, Christian life all while being a real human being.  A wonderful example to us all.

He was dearly loved and will be hugely missed.

400 Miles

J. has walked more than 1,000 miles since he retired.  Pretty incredible.

He needed new shoes and stretched it out to get to 400 miles on the pair he had.

Here's the old vs. new:

(I hear the song '500 Miles' in my head....Lord I'm one, Lord I'm two, Lord I'm three, Lord I'm four.  Lord I'm 500 miles from my home.....).

I'm only 100ish miles from home.  I miss my boys.  Even when I 'need' a break, I feel immediately 'empty' when I'm away from them.

Happy Dad's day to my walking machine husband - the best Dad two boys could ever have and the best partner a wife and mom could ever hope for.  He's my love and my life and I adore him.

Get Away

Clearly, something was up here.  Half (or more) of the parking lot is blocked off.  I couldn't get to the hotel entrance and instead, had to 'self-park' (the horror) [that's a joke - sort of] and schlep my own bags to the registration desk.  Some big fight event happening here tonight.  Likely to be a little noisy.  No wonder I was able to get a room here - I've never been able to stay here before though I've tried many times.  It books up quickly 'cuz it's a relatively small hotel.

I am pleased to report, however, that the room is very nice.  It's got to be three to five times larger than our hotels in Europe.  It feels like a suite, almost.  Plenty of room to spread out and get comfy.

I gambled my free play already (plus a little of my money).  Enjoyed a nice lunch at the buffet.  Now I'm surfing the web and writing a blog post - update overdue.

The visit to H.'s oncologist on Thursday went fine - though I don't think the news was stellar.  The tumor didn't shrink from the scan in early May to the scan in early June.  That's troublesome, obviously, 'cuz we were hoping two more rounds of chemo in between would have had some effect.  It didn't.  We saw pictures of the clot - and both J. and I felt both proud and frustrated that the clot is the only 'obvious' thing we can make out on the scan disc.  (They give us a copy on a DVD.  Like a souvenir).  It is large and more scary than I imagined - 'cuz it is really taking up quite a bit of 'width' of the vein and there's not much room for blood to go around.  It is getting around.  But wow.  It's really something.  The doctor pointed out the tumor - but to us, it looks like most of the rest of what we see - it's gray.  It's clear there's 'something' there but the scan has his entire body 'gray' pretty much - so we're not sure we get it.

The one other 'clear' thing is a view that is looking down from the top of his head down his body.  His trachea should be the black hole in the center of his neck.  It isn't.  His trachea is moved over quite a bit.

It was decided that the best approach at this point is two more rounds of chemo.  Partly because radiation at this point isn't a great thing to do with the clot where it is and as large as it is.  Lovenox will keep working on it and hopefully decrease it in size considerably in the next few weeks.  Chemo will also (hopefully) reduce the tumor more.  Then radiation in mid-to-late July, we hope.  Radiation is daily - so that's going to be hard on H. to have to plan for 3 hours each day to be booked getting to/from.  Not that great for J., either.  So glad he is home, though - I don't know what we'd be doing if we were both working full time.

The next big thing that came up is this:  research we had done led us to believe the clot was likely a side effect of the chemo.  And/or the PICC.  The doctor said 'no, it's caused by the tumor'.  Holy crap.  Really? So now what do we do?  The tumor isn't shrinking as much as hoped - and it's apparently narrowing his blood vessel so much, it's causing a clot to form (impeded blood flow leads to that?).

I shared with the doctor the story of my dad.  And that my mom had a stroke and heart attack.  The doctor hand wrote down 10 blood tests and sent us to the lab.  Home nurse couldn't draw these 'because they are very specialized; require special containers and freezing the samples quickly'.  Testing for how his blood clots and possibly a genetic component of his clotting abilities.

H. sneezed at least seven times in a row the other night - hard, head-jolting sneezes - and I panicked completely.  Begged him to stop.  'Don't hold them in'.  'Wait, hold them in'.  Hell, I didn't know what to do except to feel with every sneeze that this might be it.  Really.  One wrong jolt and the clot lets loose and in a matter of seconds, he could be gone.  How do we function like that for the foreseeable future?

I left feeling - for the first time, really - a deep seeded 'this really might not end well'.  I know you'd think I would have had that feeling a gazillion times before - but I haven't, really.  I feel like we know the path and we have to go down the path...but up until now, I've felt pretty 'sure' about it all.  That it will all be OK. I'm not so sure of that now.....and it's been really three of the hardest days so far for me.  I had to plod through work (including a board meeting Thursday evening) and make it through yesterday ( a day where I worked 1/2 day but am not calling it a work day 'cuz I'm so far over my days, it's ridiculous).  Struggling with so much heaviness in my heart.

I'm sure part of the heaviness is work related.  Wishing I could just pour it all out on these pages but I won't. It is disappointing to be realizing that someone may not be able to change - or that maybe change will happen but it will be as slow as a desert tortoise and where does that leave the rest of us while the tortoise works it all out?  I know my role is to lead and I'm trying - but it is so incredibly hard.  I can't do my job and others, too.  I just can't.  Or maybe I can - but I don't want to?

The TV selection here is pretty limited - keeping us in the casino is clearly the goal.  I wish I'd tossed in a light weight sweat jacket of some kind 'cuz it's overcast a bit and it will be chilly this evening.

I'm looking forward to a day and a half to just veg a little - cry a little.  Sleep a lot.  This 'me' time couldn't have come at a better time.  Really.  Hoping to regroup around a lot of 'stuff' and be ready to tackle it all again come Monday afternoon when I return to reality.

United III

A huge thank you to United for refunding our full tickets.  Such a relief.  By the time you added 'change fee' and 'cancellation fee' from our ticket price to a new trip, there would have been very little value left.  So happy to have that 'done' and off the list.  Now, we can see if a trip to the beach in October is feasible.  I'm hoping we can.

Had a nice chat with B. on Facebook last night - he's still out on maneuvers - they are doing shifts...so we haven't heard from him much and are never sure where he is and what he's doing.  At least it's more 'exciting' than sitting at a desk all day.

H. is doing OK.  Seems fine.  It's hard on him - the uncertainty - and the boredom.  Not too much he can do.  Tomorrow, we head to Modesto to see his doctor and we'll find out if more chemo is needed of if he can move to radiation.  And also hopefully find out when the next CT scan is to check on the blood clot.

Work has been frustrating this week.  I wasn't expecting a relaxing week - it is work, after all.  But I was looking forward to a week of quietly working on board prep and unwinding a bit from weeks and weeks in a row.  That hasn't happened.  Helping someone with a huge, legally mandated deadline 'cuz they put it off until the bitter end.  Not good times.  Majah's not happy.

Friday afternoon, I will be home and ready for my first weekend off in ages...and looking forward to a pretty drive up to Jackson followed by a couple days/nights of solitude and R&R.  I'm really excited to have some 'me' time and while I should feel guilty and maybe sad about missing J. and H., I don't.  I will miss them - but I am way, way overdue for some 'me' time.  I can't wait!

(I will be gone for Father's Day which I realized earlier this week - but J.'s having family visit here and they have tons of plans so I'm sure he will be happy and busy).

Finally! Something Remotely Resembling Having a Life

It is done!  Went in and got down to it with my to-do list.  Took a break from budget madness for a bit to tidy up my desk and office.  Still had birthday celebration decor up and cards everywhere (it was a very nice day) and my desk looked like a freight train filled with paper overturned and left 20 carloads of pages in every color of the rainbow.  (I always start out attempting to color-code things as I go so I know what is what - but in the end, it's usually a mad-dash and I just use whatever paper I have.  Organization goes out the window and I just start printing section by section, draft after draft.  Fine tuning assumptions as I go - thinking things through more as my head clears.  Double checking things as fast as I can.

I am a fastidious recycler and had pretty much used up all the 'scrap' paper I had.  I run things through my printer both sides so I don't use brand new paper for the zillions of 'drafts' this report takes.  I got a ream of paper and filled my printer and did one final check.  Thank goodness for the break I gave myself - 'cuz I found a bunch of 'mistakes' that required fixing.  I get to the point when I think it's done; it's 'fine' and I'm ready to move on - and moving on too quickly may result in things that are hard to explain. There are gazillions of moving parts in putting together a school budget and it's a lot to keep up with throughout the process.  Add to that the changes the State made to our funding - this has been a doozy of a year.

Made the changes; printed the massive report on clean, never-used-before paper and headed home.  Azalea plant (a birthday gift from my boss) in tow.

Just took a dip in the pool with J. and am now enjoying a margarita!  Had to turn off the room fan 'cuz with a wet swimsuit on, it's kind of chilly.  This is the first 'down time' I've had in ages.

Next weekend, on what is my first weekend off in weeks and weeks, I head to Jackson for a few days.  I warned J. I plan to order a ton of room service.  The room is free.  So eating in my room will probably save us a fortune in gambling.  I've got plenty to read; plenty to watch; movies to see; naps to catch up on and enough 'fun money' in my pocket to enjoy a nice weekend of quiet, solitude and not being responsible for a damn thing.

I can't wait!

Miracles

This might be a long-ish post.  I will try to dial it back a bit but it's been a few days of more 'holy crap' moments than any other kind of moments...and I process a lot of 'stuff' in writing here.  Fair warning.  Read at your own risk.

On Thursday, I was in my review meeting with my boss (review was good....discussion of plans for next year also very good and more about that in a future post).  The receptionist knocked on the conference room door to say 'M., your husband's on the phone and he says it's an emergency'.  Yikes.  My first reaction was 'what has our bat-shit crazy neighbor done now?'....

The oncology nurse had phoned to say that the routine CT scan H. had on Thursday morning revealed a blood clot in his jugular vein.  It's about 6 cm. long - 2.3 inches roughly - which is huge as clots go.  The nurse asked us to come to Modesto so she could teach us how to give the injections he needs. First, we headed to our local pharmacy to pick up the medication (Lovenox) 'cuz the oncology office doesn't keep that in stock.  Then a long drive to Modesto in horrible traffic....cross off moving further south as a possible commute to my job here.

We arrived just before 6PM (bless the nurse for waiting for us) and when we walked into the infusion area, she said  'H., you are a walking time bomb'.  She proceeded to get 'very real' with him (and us).  The clot is very large and she told him 'if it breaks off, you will die in a matter of seconds....and no one will be able to help you in time to keep you alive'.  She was direct and honest and we appreciated it.  She told him 'you have so many angels watching over you, H.'.  She explained that when the radiologist phoned to let them know, she immediately took the steps to get us to the office - but then she said she saw the written report and realized how big the clot was - she said it gave her goosebumps.  It's a miracle that he's OK...and a miracle that the scan was scheduled when it was and revealed what it revealed - because she said 'or we'd be telling your parents that cancer didn't kill you but a blood clot did'.

So now, he gives himself injections in his stomach twice a day.  The syringes are pre-packaged - no vials. No drawing meds in to a syringe.  Open package, clean area on your stomach (start one inch from belly button and go out an inch each day then come back on #7 and start again), insert needle and push the plunger.  The shots are 'small' (about 3 inches) and the needle is tiny.  It's a subcutaneous injectable - so it's just under the skin.  It still hurts and it burns a lot as it's going in....but it's manageable.  And he wants to do it himself which is wonderful and freakishly scary at the same time.  He can't forget; can't skip a dose; can't be too tired to go back downstairs and do it if he forgets....but it's honestly the right thing to happen 'cuz he's 21 years old and he's got to 'own this'  himself.

He's supposed to be 'taking it easy' for the next few weeks.  No sports; no target shooting.  Basically sit on a couch, watch TV, play video games and let the meds to their job - dissolve the clot slowly and easily.

He will be on these medications for at least three months (possibly longer) so it's going to be hard to get used to.

H. was a little pissy on the way to the office - anxious about his 'schedule' - plans with friends, etc. .  But when he heard what the nurse was saying, he sort of sat back in the infusion chair and just said 'Holy shit'. I think the magnitude of the seriousness of the situation sunk in pretty quickly.  I can't imagine how scary this is for him.

We stopped at Starbucks to get frappucinos on the way home - trying desperately to return to 'normalcy', I guess...a family of three wanting something sweet (no caffeine)...for me, it ended up being dinner so I added a scoop of protein powder to mine.  Drove home kibbitzing about things - with H. talking about shows he's been watching and sharing things he's curious about.  He amazes me a lot lately - he's incredibly bright and inquisitive and loves to learn...trying to nudge him gently to 'take some online classes that interest you'?  Wish he would.

And when we got home (7:30ish) and went to the mailbox, we found notices from unemployment that they're paying his most recent claim!  The claim he filed long before we knew he was sick that EDD has delayed for months.  So yeah!.  He's solvent again for a bit.....

Coping is hard at the moment.  The 'time bomb' part is a struggle.  I hear 'thuds' in his room (just over our office) and think 'oh my God, is he OK'? ...

He will keep doing what he needs to do - and time will move incredibly slowly for the next few weeks.

Prayers and good thoughts appreciated....

United II

The title of the last post was actually related to the airline but with the events yesterday...it morphed into something else.

Fingers crossed that United is soon to refund our flights to Cancun.  We received an email advising us to cancel our reservations.  When you go to the tab to do that, it states 'once cancelled, you are not entitled to a refund'...which is concerning considering we are really hoping to get a refund.  We called and after going through the 'infobot' madness wherein you just keep saying 'agent' over and over and over while the computer on the other end attempts to convince you that you don't need an agent, I reached a live person and she said 'it has to be cancelled or they won't proceed with the refund process.  Cancel and then email them to say 'completed.  When can we expect to receive our refund?'.  (I took that to mean that she was pretty sure they would be refunding -so yeah).

So we've cancelled and now we wait to hear - fingers and toes crossed that they will.  We sent documentation from H.'s oncologist and stated that a refund of the tickets would greatly assist us in paying the mounting medical bills we have for deductibles, co-pays, etc. .

I was hoping we would know as a birthday present but that didn't happen....so we keep waiting.

The budget is 'done' and now it's on to various other components that accompany it. Hoping by end of day today to have a desk top I can see.

Not taking the antibiotics last night combined with enjoying close to a full bottle of wine (with hubby - lest you think I drank an entire bottle of wine alone) provided a pretty decent night of sleep.  The rash is looking much better and while my sinuses still feel stuffy, they are improving as well.

Hummingbirds buzzing around the yard this morning.  We need to refill the feeders!

United

Survived another birthday.  It was a fun day though there's always drama.  It's always something with some people.

I was invited to lunch with two administrator friends so I accepted their invitation on Monday.  Had no idea that my team was planning a day of treats including pizza for lunch.  I quickly cancel my plans to lunch with friends and enjoy thin-crust pepperoni pizza and delicious 'Turtle' cupcakes - dense chocolate cake with caramel frosting, chocolate and caramel drizzle and pecans on top.  Fantastic.  My team said 'we'll invite the other buildings over for cupcakes later today.

After lunch, my friends ( who had lunched without me) texted me to say 'hey, come to the diner when you're done with lunch - there's berry pie with your name on it'.  So I did.  When I returned 40 minutes later, the cupcakes were gone - the 'gathering' of all district staff happened in my absence - maybe they just doled out the cupcakes to the buildings.  Anyway, it was strange.

Another co-worker said (and she's so right):  they should have communicated with you.  They should have let you know what they were planning and you would have planned accordingly.  They didn't.  Sometime surprises don't work.

Oh well.  It was still a fun day.  And my boss brought me a beautiful azalea plant and a nice card AND the (partial) draft of the missing piece to the budget that he is doing (and has been procrastinating about for forever'.  But it's in the works which is good.

It was a nice day - flowers from hubby personally delivered; beautiful plant; roses from my assistant's garden.  Rice Krispie treats; cupcakes; See's candy.  On a sugar high, I made it through budget and am working away on wrapping things up.  One thing about the change in State funding and the earlier deadlines for having it ready for public review is:  it will be done by Friday and maybe I can manage to work at home this weekend just ONE day - a day off would be lovely.  I finished my contract at the end of May.  Fulfilled the number of days I am required to work one month before the end of the school year.  In a meeting recently where (coincidentally) the 'day count' of certain administrators was discussed - when someone mentioned 'that's too many carryover days', I looked at my boss and said 'well, I'm done in three days.  I'll leave all the budget stuff on my desk and y'all can figure out how to finish - since my year is ending in three days'.  Needless to say, I'm still working and I will have carryover - and that's just the way it is.

Our fence repair with our neighbor has resulted in the guy being a total and complete jerk to J. earlier today.The section of the fence that started it all - with warped boards that were gapping and falling out - is still not repaired well.  J. phoned the neighbor this morning to point out the still not great area and to offer to pay for them ourselves.  The guy was belligerent, hostile, over-reactive.

Guess what? The guy was just here.  We've called the police to file a report 'cuz he was threatening us. Took steps towards J. .  Called him stupid and old and told his wife 'I'm not afraid of some old guy'.  He said we never intended to pay - which is the furthest thing from the truth - and that he was going to put out flyers telling all our neighbors that we're deadbeats and won't pay our debt.  (We don't technically have a debt - he hired the guys; he set the scope of the work; we agreed to pay 1/2 when the work was done to mutual satisfaction of both parties - and it isn't).  Great guy.  I feel sorry for his wife and kids 'cuz when you're this 'out there' with complete strangers, I can only imagine what it's like in that house.

We told his wife (who came over twice before) that we will happily pay - as soon as we contact the workers who did the work and ask them to fix the section that needs fixing.  We weren't even asking him to pay 1/2 of that work - it's a very small area and we just want it done.

People are amazing....truly.

Sleeping

Night before last, I spent most of the night dreaming about sleeping.  Having had huge trouble falling asleep and being awake until well past midnight (after heading up to sleep before 8), when I finally got to sleep, I dreamed about it.  Including sleeping standing up?  Dreaming I was in some weird 'space' where you leaned back against a wall and slept.

Never mind that the space also included a toilet and while sleeping, you were standing in the toilet bowl.

It was spotlessly clean - and dry, come to think of it.

My mind is strange.

Last night, I dreamed I was with a group of people who had two bodies in the trunk of the car we were in (it's Scandal....it's really not what you think it's going to be) and we had to find a creek.  We made a sharp turn and the car was on the top of a huge reservoir, about to slide in.  We carefully extricated ourselves from that predicament - and promptly found ourselves in some kind of underground Girl Scout-like 'camp'.  There were zillions of activities going on constantly; we kept getting roped in to all these 'things' to be done.  Got lost inside the underground bunker where the 'camp' was held.  All while stashing our stuff - including the two bodies - in a rolling cart as we desperately tried to stick together and dispose of them.  They kept splitting us up (I don't know who the other people were with me - dream strangers) and getting us to practice cheer leading; needle crafts.  It was crazy bizarre - and that I remember it vividly, even more so.

I made an appointment with my doctor online on Sunday - amazed that he had openings.  Visited him yesterday and he said the rash on my arms is most definitely not Vitamin D over-dosing related.  It's an infection of some kind....sore throat, headache...so he gave me antibiotics which I dutifully took last night. Hoping one more dose later today will have me feeling good as new.  'Cuz right this minute?  Not so great.

I have to go in today - more 'have to' than I can explain on these pages - continuing the trend of being hopelessly behind.  I want to go in and close the door and just be alone to ponder the budget things that need pondering - but I won't be able to do that.

Yesterday, I begged for mercy in the form of 'how about you gather all the things that need my signature and I can sign them all at once a couple times today'?  Vs. the never ending stream of people coming in for something.  It's hard to break concentration over and over and over - and the stuff I'm concentrating on isn't adding two plus two.  It's really massive stuff and it's impossibly hard with a fuzzy head and a never ending stream of people who need me for something.

My boss closes his door a lot - and I'm thinking if it's good enough for him, why not me too?

Tomorrow is my birthday which to me is just another day but friends came by (yes, interrupting but oh well) to say 'let's do lunch Wednesday - you pick'.  My pick is the local diner where the berry cobbler is to die for and one of them is going to place a call today to request they have berry something.  Cobbler, pie...anything will do -

The miraculous thing that happened, though, is the local (only two hours away) casino I frequent offered me two free nights - and I booked them!  June 14th and 15th.  Returning home on a Monday morning and I will simply be in late that day.  Two glorious days of sleeping; watching Scandal; playing my Facebook games; a little gambling (not exceeding my limit).  I can't wait.  Feeling a little guilty about leaving J. behind but he will have company to keep him busy and enjoy some 'man time'.

I slept like crap last night (again, still) so it will be another day of fuzziness.  I can't figure it out.  I head up to bed as soon as I feel even remotely sleepy but then can't rest.  Tonight, I will try to stay vertical longer.