Returning

It's been a week of feeling on pins and needles with three family members in the hospital.  My cousin and brother-in-law (both in Arizona) came home today.  Both post surgery patients and glad they are home in the comfort of their own beds and on the road to recovery.  My Oklahoma City cousin is in the hospital post a blood marrow transplant so her road is longer - but she's on it!  I'd send her massive amount of flowers to bring her cheer and well-wishes but she can't have flowers in her room, so cards and notes and emails have to do.  Thankful for social media and technology which give us great ways to keep in touch.  She has a CarePages website so that makes keeping up to date so easy - and it's a way to keep in touch that I know she'll see when she feels up to reading.

My Arizona cousin and I Facebook chat most mornings and many evenings.  It's been a long week of missing her green light signaling she's online.  I've been humming the England Dan and John Ford Coley song "Nights are Forever Without You" and just subbing in morning for night.  It works.  I've missed her so much this week and am so glad she's home and doing well and the surgery she was dreading is over and done with!  Now, we will catch up.  I've been getting up at 5:45AM 'cuz without her green light, there's no reason to get up too early -

It is now very late Friday evening....and I am officially announcing my Titanic slot machine progressive obsession has abated for the foreseeable future.  Why?  'Cuz someone won it around 5PMish PST, that's why!  How do I know this?  I had a compulsion to drive up there today - so I did.  Just felt like I should go and then also remembered that the Bingo promo expires tomorrow at midnight.  So I went up today.  Played all afternoon (including a remarkably long time on my weekly freeplay).  Finally broke away to get something to eat and take a bathroom break.  Returned and played some more.  I stopped playing and cashed out (to move to another machine just two steps around the corner) and the machine I left malfunctioned as I took the pay slip out.  Had 'Call Attendant' flashing.  I walked around the corner and saw the progressive drop from $1.53M to $650K in a matter of seconds.

I will never know if the malfunction was caused by MY machine about to win that jackpot when I abruptly stopped playing.  What I do know - and am glad to know - is that the jackpot was not won at the casino I play at.  It was won somewhere in California but not at Jackson.  I am pretty sure the malfunction had nothing to do with it - I had already stopped playing.  And that machine had jammed before last week when we were there.  And I doubt I would have played $4 at that point, anyway.  '

But I might have.  Just not meant to be me, I guess.

I take comfort in that 'cuz I was planning to go up on Sunday and if the jackpot had been lower when I got there on Sunday, I would never know if it might have been won in 'my' casino.  I do know it wasn't.  Not this time, anyway.

So with sort of a 'WTF' attitude, I played into the night.  Lost what I brought to lose except $20.  I would have lost that, too, but the $20 bill I got from our bank's ATM this morning was all messed up - had something all over it and the casino slots wouldn't accept it.  So at least I came home with $20.

I thought a lot about my obsession on the drive home - with a pretty crescent moon lighting the way.  Drove carefully and thoughtfully while navigating headlights of oncoming traffic.

On Facebook, someone challenged me to post three things I'm grateful for five days in a row.  I haven't done it yet - not 'cuz I don't have plenty to be grateful for - but 'cuz I do, and I don't know where to start.  And that got me thinking about this obsession with the damn jackpot - living in the future of possibly winning vs. living in the now.  Now is good. Now is actually pretty great most of the time - yet I'm spending so much time inside my head, obsessing about changing this life.  THIS LIFE.  The right now of it.  There is nothing wrong with this life - so what needs changing?

So I quit.  I'm not doing that anymore.  I'm going back to the days of trips up to Jackson being a once in a while thing vs. weekly.  We don't need the money.  And how blessed am I to be able to say that?  Yes, it would be amazing...but we don't need it and other than possibly quitting my job sooner than planned, it really wouldn't change much.  Honestly, it wouldn't.  It would just go into the bank where all 'extra' money goes.

If it's meant to be, it will be.  And no amount of fretting is going to change that.  No amount of wishing or hoping or obsessing is going to change that.

I'm going to work harder at living in the now of things....instead of in the 'how I want it to be' of things.  Now is pretty frickin' awesome, actually - and I think I need to work harder at practicing that.  Living in the here and now of this life.  And being incredibly grateful for how amazing it all is.