Time with H.

I took H. to Jackson today.  He turned 21 in late May so what better way to introduce him to the joys of gambling than a visit to my favorite casino.

We had a wonderful day - great fun, good conversation, enjoyed a buffet dinner.  Played and played, losing every penny we brought with us to lose and all the free play and winnings we had as well.

Jackson is a great place for a young person to gamble primarily because they don't serve alcohol.  The founder of the casino was adamant about that - she wanted no alcohol in their bingo hall (which was the start of the casino as it now exists) because of the prevalence of alcohol abuse in the area.  They serve free sodas, bottled water and all kinds of 'shakes' - like Frappucino's.

The day illustrated the important points I intended it to:  a) you don't always win; b) you can lose a lot of money very quickly; and c) when you see it as entertainment and are gambling with money you are willing to lose, you've got nothing to lose and it's fun.

If you were gambling with your rent money, hoping to double it 'cuz you need a car repair you don't have money for, it's a teeny bit different.  So don't ever do that.  Just play what you can afford to kiss goodbye and even then, keep it all in moderation.  Had I not had a couple really great wins lately, I don't think we would have gone up today - it was an expensive day and funding two of us is way more $ far more quickly than just funding myself.  Still, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

He's young and smart and curious and such a great conversationalist.  We chatted away about a variety of topics and he asks a lot of questions about 'things I've been wondering about'.  Like filing income taxes; buying a house; saving for retirement.  Things like that.  He's always full of ideas and things to talk about and he's really awesome company.

Like so many young people, he's in a hurry to get to where he's 'making money like you and Dad make/made'.  And I keep telling him repeatedly that we didn't make that kind of money when we were in our 20's - and honestly, instead of spending all this time fretting and wondering about what to do with the rest of your life, just start to do something - and let it all sort itself out on it's own.  He might want to be a teacher - but because he's not sure that's what he wants to do, he doesn't want to spend time in school 'for nothing'. I say 'get a degree no matter what 'cuz that piece of paper shows employers that you're smart; that you work hard; that you're motivated.  That's important - and that degree gets your foot in the door a lot of places'. Still, he wants it all to be easy.  Like a $100K a year job right at the start.  He bases what he wants to do on how much money it will make - like he asked 'what do I need to do to be a civil engineer, 'cuz they make a lot of money'.  I said 'well, six years of college in engineering - which is math, physics, etc.'.

And then there was this - the thing that totally, completely knocks the air out of my lungs and makes me tear up the entire way home:  what if?  It's always car rides that are hardest for me - the solitude of the car lets all the thoughts flood in and I think 'what if someday, every time I'm driving to Jackson, I will be always thinking about 'remember that time you went with H.?'....and he's not on this earth anymore?  How will I cope with that?  How do I cope now with that possibility?  I can't handle it now - much less....if.....

Saying goodbye to son #1 before we left didn't help the emotions either.  It's always hard seeing him go. He's so sad himself about leaving - and especially this time when we're not sure Christmas will happen - it will depend on where he is at that point and he's always got something 'in the works'.  B. and I went to breakfast yesterday and I gave him girl advice (he said 'you are SO SMART about this stuff'.  I pointed out the obvious:  I am a girl.  And I've also been young and pursuing or being pursued).  Also enjoyed the time with him alone very much - and miss him so much, it hurts to think about him being away again.  Hoping for Christmas but not sure - and then thinking 'well, we'll try to get to El Paso for a long weekend in the fall'...we've got a lot of possible things planned for fall and at some point, my budgetary mind will kick in and I'll realize we can't fund all the places we want to go...we'll see.

I love these two young men with every ounce of my being - and days like today bring all that home.  I was so full of emotion that after H. headed out to a friends house, I asked J. 'for a hug'.  Chloe got all 'worried' and barked like a maniac.  Really?  We're hugging -

I love the third slightly less young man with every ounce of my being, too....he's my heart.

I have to attempt to take my own advice:  one day at a time and enjoy every moment in the moment.