Pies!

I've got another post in draft stage - but tempers are cooling so who knows if it will see the light of print.

It's been a hard few days here on the homestead but I think we are leveling out a bit.  Maybe.

We received lots of Christmas cards today - love them.  Kids going to Duke; getting Masters degrees in various subjects; full scholarships for sports; etc..   They aren't my kids....and I'm being truthful when I say that my emotions are all over the place at the moment - and for a second, I felt all choked up about that.  No, my kids aren't doing any of those things.

I'm proud of them in many ways....but sometimes, it's just so hard to realize that they've both given up on higher education (at least for now) and are in jobs that though they seem to enjoy them for now lead to pretty much nowhere.  They will survive on those jobs - if survival is the goal.  But I know when they were little, I never imagined we'd be here.  On the cusp of them turning 23 and 21 and really nowhere.

It makes my heart hurt.  And then it makes me hurt as a mom 'cuz sometimes, I feel like we failed them.  We didn't help with homework the way we should have - truly, for me, I never required help as a kid - never.  So I just didn't 'get' that not all kids do it on their own; nor do all kids study hard and master things.  We did our best....but we let them down.  And I feel sorry about that but can't fix it.  There young adults - no basic math skills.  It's hard to fathom given what their parents have done/do for a living.  But it's the truth.

At this point, we are holding on to 'status quo'.  Praying there are no more bad interactions that color the holiday less than merry.  B. is a butt head surrounding many things and it's been very hard having him home.  Much harder than I anticipated.  It's very stressful and the return of all that stress is taking it's toll on both me and J. .  Poor J..  The man is a saint and doing his best to hold it all together for his fractured wife and the son who is torturing us all.

I just sent the boys to the movies (my treat) to attempt to get some wrapping done.  I've made two pies - one berry and one French Silk.  (The crusts weren't homemade but the fillings are and they are delicious).  I also crafted some mini turnovers with leftover crust and pie filling.  There's also delicious French Silk pie filling left that I'm going to chill for a sort of 'mousse' for a snack.

There's much debate about tonight's festivities.  Church has been mentioned and I'm struggling with not really knowing what to do.  J. wants to go.  B. says he doesn't - though I'm not actually sure that he's not trying to say what he thinks I want.  (He's in heavy peace making mode at the moment having hurt me to my core a few days ago.  We've barely been able to look at each other the past few days....so I think he's in uber 'whatever mom wants' mode.). I'm totally ambivalent about church.  I used to love going - but they stopped doing Communion and for me, that just leaves it lacking.  Though the candle light is lovely, I miss Communion.

We'll see.  I'm making finger goods for dinner so if we're inclined to head out around 6:30, church may be on the schedule.  Maybe not.

There's truly (really, I mean it) not much under the tree this year so wrapping should be a cinch.  There's no spreadsheet.  No list.   A few little things and the one true 'hearts desire' thing for each of us.  It should be a pretty quick 'event'.  And I am doing a small scavenger hunt...but nothing major.

H. works tomorrow at 3PM so we're planning for a 1PM dinner.  This year, we got a boneless whole ham from Costco - which is perfect 'cuz I think if I'd made bean soup with the bone, J. would kill me.  Our freezer has plenty of frozen leftovers in it - so the 'no bone' was a strong point in the ham's favor.  It looks DELICIOUS and will be glazed and yummy with all the appropriate sides.

If you are the praying type, I'd appreciate some prayers.  I am more than a little melancholy these days and I struggle to get through the simplest things.  At the moment, the urge to head to a hotel for a week is very strong and the only thing keeping me here is not wanting to abandon J..  It would be terribly unfair to leave him to sort through all the ensuing drama on his own -

I'm selfish - but not that selfish.