Emotional Rollercoasting

J. and I had 'word' on Monday - about something stupid.  Actually, I had words.  He just listens....he did apologize when he realized how upset I was.  And it was sincere.  We are both human - strong in our convictions.  Getting old together isn't any less challenging than getting old(er) alone.  I swear he doesn't communicate - he swears he does and I don't hear him.

The truth is somewhere in the middle.

I huffed off to work and sent him an email that basically said I felt totally disregarded....and that the night before, I had dreamed we weren't together anymore.  Dreamed we went our separate ways at some point in the future.  And it seemed like his 'actions' (which involved him leaving the house for a walk without telling me he was leaving) were leaning towards him operating as if I don't live here. Just doing his own thing - vs. being in a marriage where we consider each other and let each other know what we're doing.

And I said 'sometimes I think that's where we're headed - living apart'.

As soon as I pushed 'send', it hit me like a bolt of lightening - what if he wrote back saying 'I've been thinking the same thing...'?  And then I proceeded to sob at my desk for a few minutes.

It actually felt really good to cry.  I don't cry much anymore and sometimes, I think I need to.  I've become a bit too adept at tamping down whatever stuff if festering and emotions aren't shown most of the time.  I'm not sure that's really all that healthy for me sometimes - and the cry felt so damn good.  I was sad at the thought of losing him and realized 'that can't happen.  It just won't happen'.

It won't.  I wrote back saying "I love you and I plan to be married to you for the rest of my life" and he wrote back "I would be nowhere without you".

We bicker sometimes but we are both committed to being committed.  Even when sometimes, I should be committed.  Menopause, demanding job, etc. - the man is a saint.  Just saying.

Sometimes, I sit in my car in the driveway at the end of the day and sing as loud as I can whatever song has been resonating the most that day.  There are so many - but some days, I just want to belt it out - in the car.  The neighbors probably think I'm nuts.

I might sing it through a couple times before I put on my 'Honey, I'm home' face and head in.

We watched the movie Broadcast News where the female news producer would make herself cry every single day.  I think I need to re-learn that skill.  I had it down perfectly in my 20's and even my 30's.  I need to revitalize the ability to just let it all out.  BOOM!  A good, cathartic cry every week or so would probably do wonders for my psyche.  And I'd probably sleep better.

On a fun, mood lightening subject, B. actually Facetimed us yesterday for the very first time - so we got to SEE him while we chatted.  That amazing smile made all the difference and we chatted away for many minutes.  We are trying to convince him to Skype 'cuz we can do that on the iPad - but his computer is limping along barely holding together and he can't really do that on his computer right now.  It was fantastic to see him -

Goodnight.  Hope for sleep....