Getting a Grip

Holy crap, people....this has been such a week. Seriously - one of the hardest work weeks I've EVER had and as this blog can (and does) allude to, that's saying something.

I am so hard on myself. Mistakes happen and they are fixable. I always tell everybody that - it's fixable. But when it comes to applying that mantra to myself, I seem incapable. Which is ridiculous. And then I beat myself up for being hard on myself....and the spiral starts. And dooowwwwwnnnn we go.....

The issues are officially resolved though not without a fair amount of self-doubt, frustration and a desire to pack it in, sell our house and go live in a trailer on a beach somewhere. All completely do-able - at least sort of.

If only I didn't enjoy the 'creature comforts' so much - like running water, heat and AC, food, Starbucks and high speed internet. Oh - and a milk frother/warmer for my lattes. And the latte machine. Guess that's a big list already - which is why we don't live in a trailer and why I don't want to quit, actually.

I will be working all weekend - and I have worked 12+ hour days all week this week. And worked two days last week though I swore I wouldn't. And one of the things I'm beating myself up about is that I should have worked ALL week last week - but I didn't. And the stuff hitting the fan about that decision started around noon on Monday and hasn't let up since.

It's a long, slow slide into the winter break....which I was really looking forward to only the events of this week make me feel like I'd better just keep working 'cuz once you're behind, you pay for it somewhere down the road.

I need to head upstairs (it is 8:14PM) so I can get up again at 3 and be in my office by 5ish if at all possible. This morning, I dared to 'sleep in' until 5:30 but I paid for that 'cuz I didn't have my morning 'alone' time (people start arriving around 7) and that set the day in motion for another day of doing a zillion things that I didn't have on my MUST DO TODAY OR ELSE list.

I know it will be OK....it always ends up OK. The self-loathing lifted a bit yesterday as I reconfirmed with my boss the status, the plan, the correction and confirmation that I was done fretting about it and I was moving forward.

But today brought all that and then some crashing back...for no particular reason except that there is just so much 'drama' commencing around a host of other things that I cannot write about, I get mired down in it. It's not possible to completely shield myself from it - and as it affects others I am responsible for, it's on my watch so that requires 'miring' by definition.

For every horribly hard moment I have, there are dozens more that are amazingly great - and those will arrive again soon. They always do. I just hope I'm awake when they start so I'll notice.

Yesterday, J. left a note on the counter to please turn on his coffee maker (he drinks drip coffee). He had to up very early (just after 4) to go in for a breakfast meeting. I was so disoriented (I had apparently sat up pretty much asleep for 20 minutes 'cuz I was shocked to realize it was 4 - I was sitting up by 3:30) that for some reason, the lack of a light on his coffee pot (timer wasn't set) indicated it was unplugged. I can't reach the plug - sometimes I think this house was built for giants or people with freakishly long arms - so I had to get our little step stool so I could reach. Then I sat there pondering why the light still wasn't on. I had plugged in the blender. His coffee pot was plugged in - finally my brain kicked in and I just pushed the 'brew now' button so it would start. Then instead of pouring the water out of my milk warmer, I poured milk into the sink and started warming water....the water I put in it every night to rinse it. So that's why I slept in a bit this morning. I didn't want a repeat of 'vertical but not really functioning at optimum efficiency' episode of yesterday.

It's 8:30 and I need sleep. Everything's monumentally better after some sleep.