Lumpy

I've been feeling 'on edge' lately....walking on egg shells with a giant lump in my throat and tears almost always ready to spill over. The slightest little thing can set me off....

True, work has been hugely challenging lately. Maybe five years is 'enough' of this madness? I dream of just having a 'job'. Just a job. I go in at 8. I leave at 4:30. I take two 15 minutes breaks and walk or sit and read. I go to the park for lunch or home to walk the dog. I do good work that I enjoy with really nice people and at 4:30 every day, I pack it up and go home, leaving work behind....until the next day.

I don't have that kind of job. Never had have that kind of job. I've been managing people since I was 20. And I'm proud of that. And I am blessed - ya'll know I feel that way...truly blessed. My job is a wonderful job. But it is not an eight hour a day job and I have been 'out of sorts' about all that for a month or more. Haven't quite been able to figure out what's up with my psyche. I am angry and pissy and overwhelmed and fed up. And as hard as I try, I can't figure out what has me in such a funk - 'cuz really, I love the work! I really do! So WTF is up with me??

This morning, as I pulled out of the driveway, I realized why. Late last night, J. reminded me. Pretty sure this is when it all started....

B.'s car wasn't here this morning - and that's because he went to Sacramento last night. This is actually the second time in about a month he's been up there - he is taking his medical exams for enlisting.

The first time he went, I literally had that painful sore throat feeling you get when you are all choked up about something and just want to cry for hours. All day.

And that day, he came home so discouraged. He hadn't been able to do some 'move' - couldn't squat down and JUMP up without using his fingers or something to 'touch' the floor as he stood up. A 'required' move for being a Ranger, apparently. He was so down....sure he'd blown it.

I had walked around that entire day with that lump in my throat - and when he came home all discouraged, my instinct was to 'seal the deal'. Tell him it was for the best. He should just continue going to school, working at Savemart and figure out 'what's next' when the 'what's next' actually got there - after he graduates with some four year degree from a school he can attend without him (or us) having to go into debt to pay for it.

But I didn't do that. I tamped down the ache in my throat - and helped him think it through. He psyched himself out about that move. Worried that the knee he dislocated his freshman year of high school would do something like dislocate again (worst case) or make a lot of noise or lock up. So he scared himself into not doing that move. And I told him 'so worst case is: you wanted to be a Navy Seal and you are only going into the Rangers because you want that in your contract. So you go into the Navy and work your way into the program - risk that it's not in your contract but it's always been what you want - so just go for what you want to do. And it will all work out'. It was a good talk - and I was proud of my 'mothering' - something I admit I often don't feel patient enough to do. But I did it.

About 20 minutes after that conversation, he did the move - all on his own. Look Mom, no hands! And then he thanked me for talking to him about it and said it really helped.

This morning, his car wasn't here because he went up for the re-test. A lot hinged on today in his dream plans. And as I pulled out of the driveway, the lump was there again - in all it's glory. I felt on the verge of tears most of the day....

He did fine. He didn't even have to do the damn move for this doctor - they did feet xrays and examined his feet - measured his toes, etc. So we'll see -

All you ever dream for your kids is that they find something they feel passionate about and do it well.

And that's what I'm learning right now - that it's not my dream that counts. It's theirs. It's his. This is what he's always wanted - it's the one thing he's stuck with (sure, the branch of service has changed over the years) - but military is what he's wanted for a long time.

And it appears it may happen. If all goes according to plan, he will head to basic training in Georgia sometime close to the start of summer. Still much to 'wait and see' about - but that's what it's looking like for now.

I need to let go. And I need to get Skype.

And a huge, HUGE hello to my Aunt M. who left a comment!! Yeah!! There are people actually reading - thank you so much, my sweet M. I love you!!