Spark

I have this feeling lately....a constant, nagging, reminding, cajoling presence that asserts there are things undone. Things are piling up - and hanging over my head. Numerous things I should be doing - for work, for home, for Lions. I look around - no matter where I am - and it's just piled up, waiting further instructions.

I am frequently feeling paralyzed. I don't know (sometimes) where to start. And even when I know, I often feel 'I don't want to'. Not like me, really...but I can't escape it.

Of course, I am doing things. Doing what needs to be done - giving my 110% focus to work because those things MUST be done. That's my 'must do' items because I can't lose my job, right? Not that there's ever any risk of that - but if I really did embrace the 'I don't want to' part of my feelings, I potentially could lose my job. And I don't want that. I love my job. And I/we need the paycheck it provides.

I know I am a procrastinator - always have been. I've tried to set a better example for my kids - but I, too, sometimes just put stuff off until it's a 'absolutely must do or else' scenario. Good to know they come by it naturally, I guess.

There are a lot of 'absolutely must do or else' items looming....

The weather is dreary again...which certainly doesn't help. We had one week of bright, clear skies with warm(er) temperatures....the fog lifted. But now it's all back. It's dark and cold and cloudy - perpetually, it seems.

Today, I will make progress on some of the 'must do' things for home, work and Lions. I did make progress yesterday on the work front - and today, I will trudge forward again. Step by step.

Wish me luck. It's not a lack of motivation as much as it's a lack of......hmmm......something else. It's a lack of the desire to start, I think. And I know once I start, it will all be easier. Yesterday, I tackled some of the 'hard' things at work and did progress. Today, I will tackle some things for Lions and here at home - and having done that, it will all be easier. And hopefully, the spark will return to my psyche. I am spark less at the moment. That's what it is: I lack a spark.

Time to light a fire, I guess.....

Doing Nothing

I am home alone today...H. is around but at a friends house. Yes, it's OK because it's a school holiday and because he's done with his big project. I intend to remind him that had he continued to put it off, he'd be stuck here slaving away at it all day - but because he did the work, he's been 'free as a bird' today, hanging out with a friend. Playing some Wii game that requires him to take the Wii with him....

I went to work for a couple hours but honestly, my heart wasn't in it. I just couldn't bring myself to stay longer. It's a beautiful day.

I decided to air out the house - first sunny day in a long time. The dog spent part of the afternoon lying in the sun and got herself so 'overheated' that she had to move onto the tile floor, lay down on her side and pant for awhile. That's a sure sign the weather is changing! So I went up to B.'s room and opened the window - and realized there's no screen on the window. Huh?

I called J. who informed me that the screen has been off for a couple weeks and apparently, B. and his friends were climbing out the window and onto the roof a couple weeks ago 'because it's a great place to see the stars'. Something like that. It's also a great place to slide down 14 feet and break bones, but oh well. What do I know? I'm just the mom. I guess J. was hoping to fix the screen before I noticed - and yet he didn't. Hmmm. Parenting. Get some, my sweet. I'm not a big fan of teenage boys on the roof of our house. Ever.

B. went snowboarding with friends for the day - he's had a great weekend of no work and plenty of activities. There's also possible 'news' on the job front but I'll save the update for when we have confirmation.

It's the last of 3-day weekends for awhile....it's been nice to enjoy the two Mondays off in a row.

Except tomorrow will be a 'Tuesday that feels exactly like a Monday', complete with starting the short week with a Leadership meeting that will take most of my morning. Yikes. Oh well.

I'm going to get chicken breasts marinating to make Butter Chicken - one of our favorite Indian dishes. Tonight, we'll have leftover Chinese food but tomorrow night, we'll have Butter Chicken. It will be absolutely scrumptious!

The carpets need vacuuming; the counters need cleaning; the furniture needs dusting. But I'm doing none of it - 'cuz tomorrow, the cleaning ladies come and I will be cleaning for nothing. I want to do it - but I'm resisting. It's not really that hard to resist. But I feel like it should be.

:-)

Dive!

The boys had a blast skydiving! I was proud of myself for not running 'what if' scenarios through my mind constantly. J. let me know when they had landed safely. They had a ball.

H. has been seeking something for 'motivation' regarding school. He's not engaged - hates every minute of it. So we're looking for things that he can look forward to and motivate him. We talked yesterday and established that one thing that he really needs is 'friend time'. And I see that. I get that. Though the activities he's been engaging in with these 'friends' at time pains me. He spent the night at a friend's house on Friday and we found out that they snuck out of that house [emphasis added because sneaking out of our house in December is what started the long, slow slide into parental oblivion that we continue to reside in]. So his request this evening to spend the night there again was flatly denied. He took it well - all things considered.

So we just talked about adding sky diving as a 'motivation'. After each trimester with passing grades (yes, we'll settle for just passing - even squeaking by barely is better than where we're at currently), he'll go skydiving. That seemed to perk him up and hopefully, give him something to work for.

He and I headed to McDonald's and Starbucks again yesterday. We seem to be in agreement again on expectations. We talked a lot about motivation - he has none, at least as related to his school work. He's motivated to pursue illegal activities with friends - but not motivated to pursue attempting to pass school. And this is where J. and I struggle the most to help him - because we were both straight A students throughout most of our schooling and we did it because it's just who we were. My mom never had to encourage me or push me. She never had to inquire about the status of homework or projects - they were always done well, on time and turned in. I was just 'wired' that way, I guess. I can't help H. 'be' motivated. He has to find it within himself. And he struggles with that. I can describe to him that I, too, have days when I just don't want to do the stuff I have to do. But there's this little 'voice' inside me that tells me that I will do what I need to do - because people are counting on me to do it. My boss knows that when he gives me something to take care of, it will be done and be done well. He knows that I will complete everything that is required to complete - because it's my job. And I won't not do it because if I fail to do things, eventually, my boss would have to fire me. And I don't want to lose my job. I told H. that I think maybe he perceives me as unmotivated - because when I'm home, I do the necessary things - cook, tidy, etc. - but I also 'veg' each evening. I have a very stressful job and when I get home, I need 'down time'. He said 'Mom, I know that you and Dad work really hard to pay for our home and to provide everything we have. I admire you for that - and you're not doing anything wrong. I know it's me. I need to just figure out how to keep doing what I need to do - and I will'.

This generation is growing up with pressures I never had. The peer pressure is enormous - and the availability of 'controlled substances' is incredible. Kids have easy access to anything they want and converse openly about what they have and what they'll share. It's strange.

I'm not naive enough to think he won't experiment - he already has. I can't keep him from trying things. I can just advise him on frequency and the risks of addiction and the possible dangers of hanging out with people who will eventually end up in serious trouble. And counsel him that if he continues to hang out with those people, it is highly likely he will be in the wrong place at the wrong time and quite possible he will end up in trouble also. Even though he insists he's just 'there' - not involved.

We seem to have turned (another) corner. And I'd love to say that I think we're on the uphill side of things - but I know better. We've had so many 'turned corners' and 'uphill trends' in the past few months that I've totally lost count. There's no easy answer. There's no easy fix.

I have decided to cut back on things that are not work or home - so Lion's is probably losing a member in the near future. It is a huge commitment of time that I just don't think I can continue to put in. It takes me away from home 3-5 evenings per month - plus my treasurer duties on top of that. It's just too much - I need to be home for him as much as I can. He's on 'lock down' on school nights - and 'earns' time with friends on the weekend by doing his homework and keeping his grades 'up' ('up' being defined as passing). He needs someone to supervise his homework and help him structure his time better.

He finished his big paper (due Tuesday) this morning and then finished the cover sheet and bibliography this evening. And he felt enormously better to have that off his plate - and I said 'see how much easier it is to work on it consistently over a couple weeks and be done well before the due date? Don't you feel great?' and he smiled and said 'it feels awesome'. So maybe I can help him break assignments up into smaller chunks and keep up on what he's got out there to study, complete, etc. I want to try.

I want him to know that HE is one of my top priorities. Not Lions. Not work. HIM. I need to be sure that I am home more and 'present' when I'm home.

It's not my fault that he's having these issues. He'd be the first to tell you that it's all his 'fault'. But I'm his mom - and I need to be there for him when he needs someone to help - or encourage - or a kick in the ass.

And be there to provide McDouble cheeseburgers, fries, and Starbucks.

It's the least I can do.

I love you, H. And when you read this someday after I'm gone from this earth, you will know that my commitment to you is something I don't take lightly and I will do anything I can to help you. A lot of it is up to you - but I am here for you. And so is your dad.

Sunshine!

The sun is out today for the first time in WEEKS!! YEAH! It's still cold - but it's clear and 'sunny' and bright and cheery! Yippee!!

J. left me a card on my computer so I'd see it first thing this morning. I did the same - using a card I found in the card box that while not technically Valentine's Day, worked.

B. is going skydiving with friends today for a belated birthday celebration. H. is going to because he FINISHED his paper yesterday. Came downstairs around 7PM to show us and told J. 'I feel so much better now that it's done'. If only he could continue to connect that just doing the work and getting it 'done' will be so much easier than either skipping it all together or doing it so-so and getting fewer points. Or, as is his habit lately - not turning it in even though you've done it so you get zero.

Today will be grocery and Costco shopping - and, assuming the sun holds, some outside tidying up. The storms have battered the yards and patios and they are in need of some TLC.

It's Valentine's Day and there's romantic comedies on ALL DAY! I'm watching You've Got Mail right now - yesterday, we watched Out of Africa. I love those movies!!

I'm getting supplies to attempt to make home made sticky buns. I've never been good at anything involving yeast - but I'm determined to master yeast breads. It's on my 'bucket list'.

Gotta get going before the sun disappears. Happy Valentine's Day to everyone!!

V-Day

J. dropped off a lovely bouquet of flowers to my office yesterday morning - sadly, I was at the school site nearest our home when he came by so I missed seeing him. My staff thought it was so sweet he did that....and little did he know, I had arranged for a bouquet to be delivered to him here at home - so we both thought the same thoughts about how to celebrate V-Day.

We also went out to dinner last night - so-so sushi at this place every one's raving about. It was OK but not excellent and I don't know that I would choose that over the place we usually go to that's clear across town. It was a nice evening and I was in bed and asleep early 'cuz I was absolutely exhausted. Arriving at my desk by 6:30AM every day this week combined with not one; not two; but THREE night time commitments was absolutely draining and I was pooped. We taped the opening ceremonies of the Winter Olympics so I can watch it today.

Sadly, this Saturday has started out with uncovering more deceit on the part of our youngest son...gobsmacked is the only appropriate word for my demeanor at this moment. I am beyond knowing what to do with him - he lies like some people breathe. When did he decide that lying was the best answer to most questions these days? It breaks my heart. And the worst part is: it doesn't seem to phase his heart much at all. Same shit; different day.

I've had the 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' feeling about him for months - constant, never-ending stress that never abates - and there's always another frickin' shoe out there somewhere.

J. just left to: take Chloe to the groomer; fill up my car with gas; and stop by the Ford dealership and see if they can make two new keys for my car. I lost one a couple weeks ago - current theory is that it was 'picked up' by the wait staff at a Lions meeting and tossed in the trash - and I've been worried that I'll misplace the other one which would render the car not drivable. Of course, they are 'computerized' keys that operate the alarm and start the car - so it will require $100 for each key 'blank' and an hour of 'time' at the dealer. Yikes. That was an expensive Lions dinner.

We may go out for dinner again tonight - though I am also considering driving to the great Chinese place and bringing home takeout. It's less expensive (the items are less for take out than they charge for dine-in) and we save on beverages and tip...so I might do that instead.

Please pray for H. I am. I know he has a good heart and a good head on his shoulders but he seems to have traded them in the past few months for less-than-stellar models. We'd like him to upgrade back to his former self as soon as humanly possible. I'm feeling way too old to deal with this kind of crap....and I know J. is, too.

Another Week.....

Up at 3:30 this morning and sitting here in the dark, one latte consumed. Too cold to move into the kitchen to make another one and asking myself 'why in the world am I up this early?' I will regret it later this evening when I'm sitting in a board meeting wishing I could curl up and go to sleep. And an email reminder about a meeting at 3:45PM this afternoon that I'd totally forgotten about will make trying to take any kind of meaningful 'break' before the evening meeting virtually impossible. Bummer.

We allowed B. to resign his job yesterday. Submitted a letter of resignation and two weeks notice. They are hassling him about his school schedule - now alleging that he is supposed to get their approval about his class schedule before he even registers. Are you kidding me? Colleges are cutting back so much these days that he registers for what he needs, regardless of schedule. He's going to school 4 days per week this term (vs. 3 days last term) and we're thankful he was able to get what he needs this semester. So to hear him tell how his boss and the 'scheduling person' are now asserting that his job has to be the priority - that's just bunk. He's scheduled for two shifts this week that he can't work - so he won't show up.

I worry about him not working - but he's got some savings he can draw on and we are reminding him that looking for another part time job is now his job. Hope he follows through. He'll be repeatedly reminded that the idea wasn't to have 15-20 hours of 'extra free time' each week - it was to focus on school; help out more around here; and look for another job.

He's thrilled to be out of there - he's miserable. He's hated it for most of the past year plus and has only hung in there because we kept encouraging him to 'give it another week'. But his store manager berating him with 'you need to make this job your highest priority' and yelling at him for not following a procedure he didn't know about (he never had to turn in his class schedule last semester and they managed to schedule around his school just fine) was our final straw. I'm sure we'll regret it somewhere down the road (probably when he asks me for money for clothes or shoes which he rarely does anymore since he has his 'own' money) but oh well. He can focus on school and when the weather is warmer, I've got a big list of things he can help with. I'll even pay him to do some major stuff in the garden, etc. He can be our 'supplemental work crew'. Money well spent.

The french dip sandwiches were delicious - everyone loved them. And, I used the leftover broth to make a great beef pasta soup - used up two partially used bags of pasta from the pantry. It's loaded with pasta and beef and is delicious! We had leftover sandwiches for dinner -even sauteed mushrooms and onions to add to them - of course, J. didn't eat any onions but he enjoyed the mushrooms. Tonight's menu is chili dogs - they will be on their own this evening but that's an easy to fix, crowd pleasing meal when it's an 'all guys' night at home.

I'm going to make a huge batch of the meat used in the sandwiches - it would be perfect for home made tacos, fajitas, etc. It was very easy and absolutely scrumptious!

So glad this is a four day week and then we have another 3 day weekend next weekend. I loved the feeling of heading into Sunday afternoon knowing there was still a full day off ahead. Got a haircut, ran a couple errands - tried to make the most of my 'extra' day off. The kids consumed most of a huge batch of chocolate chip cookies I made on Sunday - my KitchenAid stand mixer got a big workout this weekend - and are requesting another batch as soon as possible.

Time for another latte and time to get dressed. I have meetings starting at 8AM solid through the entire morning...so want to get to my desk early to get some things moving (leaving things for my assistant to do while I'm in meetings), etc.

A typical day - especially a typical Monday on a Tuesday.....

Jello

When will I be able to buy Jello pudding cups (60 calories each and in a zillion delicious flavors) and actually eat some MYSELF? I've purchased 5 packs over the past month or so and so far, I've had exactly ZERO. They are eaten before I am even able to eat a single one....or at least, by the time I remember we have them and start craving one, they are gone.

Today, I put my foot down about something - it could be a marriage changing item. Onions. J. hates them - and I don't use the word 'hate' very often but he hates them. Has always hated them. Do you know how limited you are in choosing recipes to try if you eliminate onions from the 'list of accepted ingredients'? Very limited. I am using them in a recipe for beef dip sandwiches and asked him to pick up a couple more to have on hand - he is a wee bit reluctant. Not really, seriously reluctant.....but resistant. I want to have them on hand because when you need one, you don't want to go out and buy them. They are a 'pantry staple' in most homes. In this house, not so much. Oh well. He's been eating dishes with onions in them for 20 years now and it hasn't killed him yet....so I'm pretty sure he'll survive. And this recipe looks DELICIOUS and I think it will be a family hit. It's perfect for a Super Bowl Sunday.

I'm also making cupcakes and warming up Spinach Artichoke dip..... the cupcakes give me an excuse to use the 'cupcake tree' I got on clearance at Costco. Figure if I use it, I'll feel less guilty for what was obviously a totally unnecessary purchase. But I love cupcakes - bite size cake! The perfect amount for a little serving of dessert.

J. and I went out to dinner with friends last night - it was so fun! We met them at the restaurant and they brought friends with them - so it was a night out with ADULTS! We went to the 'new' friends brand new house and enjoyed coffee and conversation until close to ELEVEN! Imagine that! We didn't get home until close to midnight!! It was terrific! Felt like adults! The new home was in an 'active retirement community' and it was absolutely beautiful...possibly my next dream home location. Tennis courts, indoor/outdoor heated pools, 28,000 club house with constant activities. Walking trails, a fishing lake (catch and release), lots of fun neighbors. You have to be 55 or over to buy a home there - and we qualify 'cuz J.'s 60! Of course, we wouldn't consider making that kind of move while we have kids hanging around. So it will be a decade or so before we make that change....but it's nice to think about.

Off to the kitchen to start the cupcakes!

Farming

When I was unemployed (October, 2001 through July, 2002), I really used that time to think really hard about what I wanted to do and where I wanted to 'land'. Doing a pretty good job of convincing myself the adages were true: when life throws you lemons, make lemonade; when one door closes another opens; etc. It was really a 'fun' time in my life - not often have I been a 'stay at home' mom and I enjoyed it. Sure, there was the stress of worrying that we couldn't live on one income - at least not in this house. Thankfully, my severance and unemployment got us through - and it was a luxury to take so much time 'off'. And we all know how it turned out - I found a job in the Business Office of a community college and that job gave me the experience I needed to get my current job - so it all turned out great. I have a fantastic job making more money than I did in the corporate world and I'm not working for anyone else's 'bottom line'. The only bottom line I worry about these days is our district's ending fund balance...but I can deal with that. I love what I do and am so happy I took that leap of faith and steered clear of the corporate world. I was so close to going back there - but something told me (after I received a job offer) 'just wait. Good things will come'. And they did.

I had all sorts of wild 'dreams' about what I wanted to do next to 'make a living'. Determined to not return to the corporate world, I even considered buying some land and raising alpacas....or even just a little 'farm'. Picturing myself outside, tilling the soil, planting, harvesting, etc. I'd sometimes even pull over to the side of the road and watch the farmers cutting hay, baling it and loading it onto trucks. At it's heart, Tracy is still a farming community and there are still working farms (dairy, produce, hay, etc.) all over town. I loved those quiet moments of sitting in my car watching the process of growing and harvesting stuff. Of course, I was in the warmth (or coolness, depending) of my car and had no real idea how hard that work is. I wondered sometime if I asked, would the farmer let me ride with him as he harvested - probably not. But I thought about asking.

I doubt I would actually enjoy farming - when getting up in the wee hours of the morning to start your day is a 'have to' instead of a 'want to'. But the fantasy was pleasant. Here I am up at 4AM (have actually been up close to an hour already) but I'm warm and toasty with a vanilla latte next to me, writing a blog post - it's in the high 40's outside and I'll be heading out into that cold in about 40 minutes - thankfully, driving less than 2 miles to my office which is also warm and toasty once I unlock the gates, disarm the alarm and turn the heat on.

I get my farming 'fix' these days via Farmville - and sometimes Farm 52 (www.bigseagames.com).
Every morning, I log on to Facebook and 'tend' my farm - animals, trees, crops. It's very relaxing and fun and lets the day start with some 'successes' - artificial and 'virtual' as they are. My sister is now 'hooked' as well - and we compare notes on what's growing; what we've done to upgrade. Silly, mindless farming - but I'm in touch with cousins and aunts and long-lost friends who are now my farm neighbors! Those Zynga game people have really mastered the 'hook' - 'cuz I'm definitely hooked.

Somehow, I am now also hooked on Mafia Wars. It, too, has a great 'hook' and while I know it's 'wrong' to do 'jobs' where you are virtually hurting people, it's just a game...and it's 'fun'. Can't explain it. Never imagined I would enjoy it - but I do. The only problem is: most of my Facebook friends don't want to be a part of my 'crew' in that game - I can't blame them. I avoided it for a really long time - just thought 'no way - that's not my kind of game'. But it's challenging and strategic and fun to 'advance' and buy property, etc. It's really such a multi-faceted game that every time I play it, I think 'wow, those Zynga game developers are really good at this'. I still feel like I discover new things about the game everyday.

As I'm 'icing' people.....

One more quick check of my farm; quick check into Mafia Wars to see if I can do another 'job' or 'fight' someone (for points....helps you advance in the game) and then it's off to work. Hopefully taking a 1/2 day off today - but since my day will be starting around 5AM, working until noon is pretty much a 'full' day....oh well.

Three day weekend!!

In Route

J.'s plane has departed Minneapolis and is due home 'early' - 11:30PMish. He should be home by 1:00AM ish - though I secretly hope not to notice 'cuz I want to s...l...e...e...p through the night. Or at least until 4, as is my usual wakening time.

Good, productive day - Senora Cranky Pants has left the building. Must have just been a 'Monday' kind of day yesterday 'cuz today was great and productive and fun! Back to plowing away through everything without giving a second thought to anyone else around me or their workloads vs. mine, etc. Just in a mood yesterday, I guess. It happens. The key is to not let one bad day become two..and two to become three....and then before you know it, you're pretty much cranky and stressed all the time. Not good. And it doesn't work. Stressing out about things...wishing you weren't having to go in....giving in to the physical signs of stress...doesn't work. The only person you can control is you - and stress isn't created by work or other people. It's created by YOU...by how you're reacting to things. I couldn't remember/embrace that yesterday but I'm back to 'normal' now and it's all back to being pretty clear. I am who I am; I do what I do....and I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it 'cuz that just bogs me down. And there's far too much to do to let that happen too often.

It helps me to think of it that way. May not work for everyone...but for me, that works. Just focus on the one person I know the best - ME. I can control me. I know me. I trust me. I work like a maniac all the time...it's what I do and sort of 'who I am'. I didn't like that about myself yesterday but heck, why am I feeling bad about that? It's not a bad thing to love what you do and work really hard at it. At least I enjoy it! I'm really blessed to have a job that I really love. It's never boring; it's always fun; it's frequently challenging. Those are all great things to say about the thing you have to do to pay for the house, the cars, the kids, the food, etc. Blessed. That's the word to hold on to - especially in this economy when so many are struggling.

I didn't even mind having to walk in the rain to show my boss where all the repair work was done last week. Walking around the entire school, locating the other areas we plan to have repaired as soon as possible. Watching him climb a wall to illustrate how kids are getting on the roofs (on the weekends when the gates are locked but they climb over anyway and go up on the roofs and mess with the HVAC units up there). It was slightly drizzly and a bit cold but I didn't mind a bit. Yesterday, that same scenario would have had me all grumpy and grumbling. Today, it was a fun walk in the rain - thankfully not a downpour - just a nice drizzle. It was refreshing.

Isn't it amazing what a difference 24 hours can make?

(I'm going to bookmark this post for myself so I can read it when I have another cranky day...it will happen. Hopefully, not soon...but they do happen. I'll just keep working hard at not having them become my 'norm').

Taxing

One small thing I started working on this past weekend was our taxes....don't ask me why. We always owe. We always write a check on April 15th. This year will be no different so I have no idea why I was so 'ready' to dig into it.

I wasn't, really....so I decided to just work on B.'s. Easy. He will get a refund back for all he's paid. Same as last year....

Only, no....that's not what happened. He's going to have to PAY Federal - I don't know about State yet. He turned 18 in January, 2009 - which means the investments in his college account that pay dividends are all taxable - and all in his name now. Bwaa ha ha.....poor kid. I haven't even added in that income yet - just his job - and he already has to pay! Bummer, dude.

Welcome to adult hood. The more you make (his income was just shy of three times what it was in 2008), the more you pay. Life lessons are hard, son.

He so wants to quit that job - and I'm getting closer to agreeing with him. They just reduced his hours and now he doesn't qualify for the minuscule health benefits they have - so they sent him a COBRA notice. So now MY insurance, where he is still insured because he's a full time student and our dependent, is asking me to pay 'extra' for his insurance - through COBRA. Huh? I'll be spending a chunk of time today on the phone with them attempting to get this straightened out. And if he has to quit his 16 hour per week job to keep this insurance crap from becoming a huge nightmare, oh well. He'd be thrilled....our budget wouldn't be but he'd love it. Maybe he can get a job on campus....doesn't pay as well but it's something. And it's so few hours, it's not usually taxable.

It's the back and forth on the hours/insurance that's a problem. It's loony to have to keep doing this - this is the 2nd time they reduced his hours and it's affected his insurance coverage....which is all the more a joke because we don't want him on that insurance anyway....it's not great coverage. My plan is FANTASTIC coverage - remember the ER visit? We paid $300 out of pocket for that visit - our annual deductible. For a $16,000 bill. Yes, that's a ridiculous amount but that's what the bill was. I'm not commenting on the issues in our health care system. I don't have that kind of time this morning.

So no additional savings for B. in the form of a tax refund. Not happening. It will be yet another member of the Majah family writing a check - and waiting until the very last minute to do that!

Various

I have basically commandeered J.'s computer...it boots up to Internet ready before mine has even passed the 'black screen' of having it's power turned on. Ridiculous. So I sneak over to this side of the office whenever possible for a 'fast' computer fix.

Last week was crazy busy - it was supposed to be my week to catch up because my boss was out of the office all week...but it became totally crazy when a couple high profile issues arose that were mine to take care of. Yikes....it was hugely crazy and I feel so behind.

I was a 'Cranky Pants' today - no particular reason except that it's hard sometimes feeling like some folks keep setting the bar so low and then pat themselves on the back for exceeding the bar slightly. Happy with 'F' level work that when they manage a 'D', they feel great! Wow...it's really wearing on me these days. I can only keep doing what I do - 'A+' work all the time. It's how I'm wired...and I honestly don't think I could do anything differently - though there are sure some who would have me try. As if me lowering my bar for myself will somehow help their performance look 'better'. It's oddly irritating. It's not new...it just usually doesn't bother me as much as it has the past week or so. I'll have to just get over it 'cuz it is what it is - and what it isn't. It's just a Monday after working some of this past weekend in a vain attempt to keep my head even slightly above water. I hate that drowning feeling....

It was a nice weekend - relatively quiet. Weather was so-so. Still not warm enough to get out and work in the yard a lot - but it is starting to be warm enough that the bulbs J. planted in the patio planters are coming up! Spring is on it's way!

Have a three day weekend this weekend that I am hoping to turn into a four day weekend if at all possible. We'll see. That will require huge amounts of stuff to get done by Thursday - but a day off is good motivation!

J. is flying to Minnesota in the morning - returning on a late flight that will have him pulling into the driveway sometime in the wee hours of Wednesday morning....assuming his flights are all on time. He is attending the funeral of a co-workers wife.....miss him already. I will man the battle stations sans spouse - it makes me cranky(er) and tired just thinking about it.

That's it for now....I'm going to get my motivation going and get off the computer and go do something productive. Usually, there's nothing better than just moving forward on something to push me out of a cranky mood. Hope for the best....