Dive!

The boys had a blast skydiving! I was proud of myself for not running 'what if' scenarios through my mind constantly. J. let me know when they had landed safely. They had a ball.

H. has been seeking something for 'motivation' regarding school. He's not engaged - hates every minute of it. So we're looking for things that he can look forward to and motivate him. We talked yesterday and established that one thing that he really needs is 'friend time'. And I see that. I get that. Though the activities he's been engaging in with these 'friends' at time pains me. He spent the night at a friend's house on Friday and we found out that they snuck out of that house [emphasis added because sneaking out of our house in December is what started the long, slow slide into parental oblivion that we continue to reside in]. So his request this evening to spend the night there again was flatly denied. He took it well - all things considered.

So we just talked about adding sky diving as a 'motivation'. After each trimester with passing grades (yes, we'll settle for just passing - even squeaking by barely is better than where we're at currently), he'll go skydiving. That seemed to perk him up and hopefully, give him something to work for.

He and I headed to McDonald's and Starbucks again yesterday. We seem to be in agreement again on expectations. We talked a lot about motivation - he has none, at least as related to his school work. He's motivated to pursue illegal activities with friends - but not motivated to pursue attempting to pass school. And this is where J. and I struggle the most to help him - because we were both straight A students throughout most of our schooling and we did it because it's just who we were. My mom never had to encourage me or push me. She never had to inquire about the status of homework or projects - they were always done well, on time and turned in. I was just 'wired' that way, I guess. I can't help H. 'be' motivated. He has to find it within himself. And he struggles with that. I can describe to him that I, too, have days when I just don't want to do the stuff I have to do. But there's this little 'voice' inside me that tells me that I will do what I need to do - because people are counting on me to do it. My boss knows that when he gives me something to take care of, it will be done and be done well. He knows that I will complete everything that is required to complete - because it's my job. And I won't not do it because if I fail to do things, eventually, my boss would have to fire me. And I don't want to lose my job. I told H. that I think maybe he perceives me as unmotivated - because when I'm home, I do the necessary things - cook, tidy, etc. - but I also 'veg' each evening. I have a very stressful job and when I get home, I need 'down time'. He said 'Mom, I know that you and Dad work really hard to pay for our home and to provide everything we have. I admire you for that - and you're not doing anything wrong. I know it's me. I need to just figure out how to keep doing what I need to do - and I will'.

This generation is growing up with pressures I never had. The peer pressure is enormous - and the availability of 'controlled substances' is incredible. Kids have easy access to anything they want and converse openly about what they have and what they'll share. It's strange.

I'm not naive enough to think he won't experiment - he already has. I can't keep him from trying things. I can just advise him on frequency and the risks of addiction and the possible dangers of hanging out with people who will eventually end up in serious trouble. And counsel him that if he continues to hang out with those people, it is highly likely he will be in the wrong place at the wrong time and quite possible he will end up in trouble also. Even though he insists he's just 'there' - not involved.

We seem to have turned (another) corner. And I'd love to say that I think we're on the uphill side of things - but I know better. We've had so many 'turned corners' and 'uphill trends' in the past few months that I've totally lost count. There's no easy answer. There's no easy fix.

I have decided to cut back on things that are not work or home - so Lion's is probably losing a member in the near future. It is a huge commitment of time that I just don't think I can continue to put in. It takes me away from home 3-5 evenings per month - plus my treasurer duties on top of that. It's just too much - I need to be home for him as much as I can. He's on 'lock down' on school nights - and 'earns' time with friends on the weekend by doing his homework and keeping his grades 'up' ('up' being defined as passing). He needs someone to supervise his homework and help him structure his time better.

He finished his big paper (due Tuesday) this morning and then finished the cover sheet and bibliography this evening. And he felt enormously better to have that off his plate - and I said 'see how much easier it is to work on it consistently over a couple weeks and be done well before the due date? Don't you feel great?' and he smiled and said 'it feels awesome'. So maybe I can help him break assignments up into smaller chunks and keep up on what he's got out there to study, complete, etc. I want to try.

I want him to know that HE is one of my top priorities. Not Lions. Not work. HIM. I need to be sure that I am home more and 'present' when I'm home.

It's not my fault that he's having these issues. He'd be the first to tell you that it's all his 'fault'. But I'm his mom - and I need to be there for him when he needs someone to help - or encourage - or a kick in the ass.

And be there to provide McDouble cheeseburgers, fries, and Starbucks.

It's the least I can do.

I love you, H. And when you read this someday after I'm gone from this earth, you will know that my commitment to you is something I don't take lightly and I will do anything I can to help you. A lot of it is up to you - but I am here for you. And so is your dad.