Trenta

Starbucks is testing a 31 oz. glass for cold drinks - iced tea and coffees! The test markets are Tampa and Phoenix! Yeah, Phoenix! Those are sure good test markets for massive quantities of cold drinks. The drink size is called Trenta - Italian for 30.

Sheepishly, I have to admit that I have resurrected my iced tea addiction - getting to my office by 6AM everyday for the past couple weeks - and working both days of the weekend for quite a few weekends in a row - have rendered me in need of huge quantities of legal addictive stimulants. But (this is where the sheepishly comes in), I've been going to Raley's and hitting the Pete's Coffee shop inside. It's fast (the tea is pre-brewed and you don't have to stand around waiting for them to put in your sweetener and shake - they put ice and tea in a cup and you add your own stuff and put on your own lid). It's cheaper than Starbucks (not by much - but a little bit) and it's on the way to work....vs. across town.

All's well...just crazy busy and no time to write. Have random thoughts and ideas but can't get my brain to function much past 8. 9 is virtually impossible. It's 8:38 and I'm going upstairs shortly.

I'm hoping to not work this weekend - it's looking pretty good so far. I sure hope so. I need a break.

I'll be off a few days in three weeks to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary - and then off again for Spring Break - no plans other than hanging out and working on some stuff around the house.

We paid a deposit for a week in Playa del Carmen in July, 2011 - definitely well in advance but it gives us something to look forward to and plan for. Hopefully, some incentive for son #2 to at least attempt to pass. Otherwise, he won't graduate in June, 2011 and there won't be much to celebrate. Hopefully, a 'plan' to spend at least one week (and we're actually hoping we can afford 10-12 nights - we'll have to see if my savings plan works to save up for the extra nights) will help him stay focused and work hard.

Don't hold your breath. I'm not. It's still a roller coaster around here - one thing after another. Always another f-ing shoe dropping somewhere - thudding across our lives and skidding across my heart, leaving gouges in my psyche that aren't healing. There's no healing. It's hard to write about - hard to think about - hard to live with - the issues that still exist. I feel powerless - and I don't do powerless very well. I really don't. He hears nothing we say. He seems oblivious to what we say; what his counselor says [not that we know but we hope we know what advice he's giving]; etc. It's so hard. I don't know where he is. Where he went. How did he get here and why? And why can't he see that these choices he's making are impacting him in ways he can't undo? I'm his mom. I love him unequivocally and unconditionally....but I'm also a person who is very clear on boundaries. I will forgive and forgive and forgive - until one day, I won't. One day, I won't be able to keep up the 'facade'. I won't be able to continue to pretend that my relationship with him isn't forever tarnished. Trust is not something I give up on easily - but it is very hard to keep trusting when it's become so obvious that he just isn't getting it. It hurts my heart....

I think that's why I'm not writing as much - my voice is just lost in a murky quagmire of crap. If I wrote what's in my heart - a mixture of begging, pleading, clarifying, stating over and over and over all the things he already knows - that we do love him and treasure him and wish he'd get his shit together and stop making decisions that are so contrary to who he is at his core - it would be just too much, even for me. I'm not sure I want to ever re-read the things I might write if I were to just let it all out.

Everyday, we take another step. Everyday, he chooses what he chooses. J. and I are working hard at just taking care of ourselves and each other. We keep a watchful eye on things and confront what needs to be confronted....but in the end, it isn't anything we can do much about. We're trying. He's not.

Son #1 is doing well. He didn't leave SaveMart after all - had several great talks with his boss and decided to stay. Not sure how much it had to do with him being reminded that the United Bank of Mom and Dad would absolutely NOT be providing any weekly money even remotely close to his take home pay. He seems to have a new appreciation for having a job - more motivated and 'happier'. His only complaint these days is a bad sore throat which will probably turn into a bad cold. It's been going around. He's still enjoying school and has been pretty good at taking care of himself. I think he appreciates having the focus on son #2. And I have to admit - our issues with B. are nothing even remotely in the same vicinity of the issues we are having with H. He's glad for the break of parental interference.

I know it will be OK.......I trust God and He knows the plan. H. will find his way.....