Searching

I almost didn't post that last post - thinking it was just old and angry for no good reason. We'd had some improved weeks around here....little by little. H. received his phone back - with new restrictions that prevent him from texting during school and/or night - and only receiving calls during those times from me or J. He doesn't like those restrictions - but oh well. We also started letting him use his car to drive to school. Check mileage morning and evening and he has a daily limit that is not to be exceeded. It's been going OK. Grades are marginal but he is turning in assignments, which is more than half the issue.

And then, I get home this afternoon - my first Friday afternoon off in WEEKS - after weeks and weeks of 12+ hour days and working a lot of weekends - I arrive home cheerful and excited to have a weekend off and to NOT be working - and it all goes to heck in a hand basket again.

I had a feeling this morning that something was off. I heard someone come in the front door at a very early hour....still, I left letting J. know to check with B. 'cuz he probably left or came in from running. He will run all hours of the day and night - and it was completely feasible that he was out for a (very) early morning run and that's what I heard.

But, upon arriving home around 1ish today, we found out that H. had snuck out that night - and taken my car. Driven to a friends house. Arrived home around the time I heard him....B. was the informant. H. even told B. 'I'm taking mom's car'. Because I left my key out - all car keys have been carefully gathered and kept in a restricted location - but I left a key out and he found it and decided to drive my car. Without permission. Essentially stealing it....no, of course not 'really' - but in a way, yes. It is not his car, he did not have permission to use it and he drove it knowing he would be in trouble for taking it if he were caught. He just didn't think he'd get caught.

Tears, angst and stuff ensued. We are seriously considering that the only option appears to be getting him the heck away from here - from all these influences that (seemingly) make it impossible for him to make the right decision and do what he knows is right. He was a wreck - which only makes it harder. We are afraid, sometimes, of the depth of his emotions and his sadness. It's there, all the time - and we uncovered (still) MORE evidence of him using illegal substances to numb himself throughout his days. It boggles my mind the things I discovered YET AGAIN upon securing his cell phone again and reading the texts. Holy crap....the kid's a mess, I think.

I told him 'if you spend your hour with the counselor bull shitting your way through the session - talking about nothing that's 'real' and just BSing him to convince him that you're doing great - he's not going to be able to help you. All this sadness and pain and emotions that you keep all bottled up - until it all spills out with you doing something you know you shouldn't do - if that doesn't come out when you're working with him your hour-long session, it will never come out. And as someone who was in counseling for a really, (rrrreally) long time in my adult years, I can tell you that it doesn't get any easier. It will only be so much harder to sort it all out when you're in your 30's or 40's as I did'.

I think H. has some possible issues with impulse control. I also think he has some normal teen feelings - searching for what he's going to 'be' or 'do' for the rest of his life. Trying to 'face' all those issues that seem so insurmountable when you're not quite 17 and overwhelmed with the day to day stuff of a teen life. A school he loves; friends he loves; parents he loves - he doesn't want to be sent away from that - and yet, he makes decisions over and over that make it so damn hard for us to not consider doing just that - sending him to an expensive boarding school is certainly something we find ourselves having to give serious consideration to. He doesn't know why he KNOWS something is wrong - and yet, he does it anyway. He doesn't know why he doesn't figure out time and time again that we are almost always going to 'catch him'. We have been catching him at various things for MONTHS...and still, he does them. Over and over. It makes no logical sense. We can't fathom it. And he admits he doesn't understand it either - and just knows that he feels sad and messed up and so, so sorry.....over and over and over.

I don't know if H. is depressed. I suspect he might be - and we are going to get to the bottom of that. Now that we realize that the counseling he's been going to hasn't really been helping anything but his acting abilities. The kid could win an Oscar for the performances he's put on the past couple months.

He said 'it's hard [the 'it' being counseling] and I'm not sure I want to know all the reasons why I keep doing all these stupid things'. In that instant, I felt like it was me - me, all over again - because I know exactly how he feels. And I said 'it's hard but it's so worth it. I don't want you to wait until you're in your 30's or 40's to figure it all out like I did - I want you to be your 'real' self NOW...so the real self can feel better NOW and be the self that's growing up. Not the 'fake' self you keep showing everyone around you....

I don't know where we are headed at the moment. We have several schools that are possible, including one recommended by his school counselor that is free of charge - it's through the Coast Guard and it's funded through government funds and grants. We've told H. the deadline to apply to that school is May 16th. We have the application; transcripts; disciplinary records; etc. we need to apply. We will see how it goes between now and then and make a decision.

I'm pretty convinced we should be sending him somewhere else. I just can't quite bring myself to do it. I'm furiously angry - and disappointed - and scared - and fed up. But I don't know that sending him away won't make things worse....won't really, truly hurt him in a way that he won't be able to ever 'get over'. Sending him would make our day-to-day lives so much easier....but I'm not looking for the easy way out. I'm looking for whatever it takes to convince him that the decisions he's making these days have huge consequences. He's failing school. He's using illegal substances more frequently than he cares to admit. I don't think any of that is 'normal' - and if it is, it sure as hell isn't normal in this house. There isn't anything normal about any of it. Despite his efforts to convince us it is.

J. and I will be attending a counseling appointment with him this Wednesday....and it will be a long one in which the counselor gets the 'real' story....from all parties. And we'll see where it goes from there.....

I am praying for an answer. I've been praying for guidance and direction; for H. and all of us to get through this. To forgive him....which I do and which I have....and which I will, in all likelihood, keep doing.....but it's so hard to keep doing that over and over and over. This is about H. making conscious decisions to do things he knows he shouldn't be doing. He will end up arrested at some point....or hurt....or..... I can't handle those thoughts.....they scare me to death. But that is where this can all lead if he doesn't just get his SHIT together....

All prayers and good thoughts appreciated. Any suggestions, ideas, thoughts also appreciated. If you've been there, please share. If you haven't yet, you might be. I never imagined we'd be dealing with this stuff....and yet, here we are. I can't wrap my head around most of it...but I'm trying to. I don't have a lot of choice about it. I am living with someone who seems compelled to make wrong decisions as often as he makes right ones. Possibly more than he makes right ones. That's a hard thing to do -

But we are........