Dreading the Reality

Enjoying our second-to-last leisurely, quiet Sunday morning.  Beef barley soup is simmering on the stove top.  Cookies baked for the 'grand kids' who should arrive (we hope) around 1PM.  Their appearance for dinner last night never happened and it's hard for me to understand how they are both just so abysmal at planning.  Guess baseball tryouts for T. (R.'s son) started way later than they thought and by the time they were close to coming, it was three hours past when we expected them.  We (especially me) were both fading fast so we rescheduled for them to arrive today.

Then we both tried super hard not to eat all the cookies.

I have moments when I think 'what the f*&^ have we done?'.  But in discussions with J., we both acknowledge that for this point in time, it seems the only option.  We want to set time limits on our 'support' (translation:  living here) but...we'll just have to see how it goes.  Neither of them has credit and now R. has an eviction on her 'record' so...H. will have to wait until he has a credit rating and/or six months of gainful employment to qualify for a house.

I ponder things like 'and now her son is on a baseball team' which I'm sure is not without expenses.  In most divorces, the parents would both pay 1/2 - but that doesn't happen in this divorce and it's likely R. is paying.  More outflow vs. any inflow to offset.

We hope to 'see' their budget today and mention things like 'and what about baseball'?  And C. (R.'s daughter) is in 8th grade and there's LOTS of expenses related to that milestone year.

Just because we can help doesn't mean we should.  It's hard to acknowledge - but we haven't watched her kids grow up - so while we like them and feel 'warm' towards them (they are kids, after all, so how could you not, really), we don't have feelings of super closeness or 'love' towards them.  If they were our grand kids who've we've known all their lives (and them us), it would be different.  Add to that there is no legal 'relationship' between R. & H. .  Doesn't mean there's not history but...there's no bond that makes it a pretty solid commitment.  And we're not sure there ever will be though H. says they've talked about it.

(I squash that thought like a bug in my head periodically - 'cuz until they can be self supporting, I don't think marriage is a good idea).

So even though we could offer to pitch in for 'extras' for the kids, I'm not inclined.  But maybe what they pay us to live here will be tucked away and then we could use (some of) those funds to help.  It's not like we 'need' the income their 'room and board' will provide.  It's just going into savings where all 'extra' money goes.  (I could rationalize it should be 'fun money' but J. says 'you can rationalize anything' and I'm trying to prove him wrong.  Though I have a feeling that my sanity is going to require a lot more 'jaunts' to sit in front of a slot machine and veg).

I love my job but it is very stressful and I fear coming home to a house full of people every night.  J. understand and knows that when I get home, I'm typically not chatty.  I want to sit down, eat dinner, do my 'stuff' (computer, mail, finances, etc.) and then I am frequently upstairs heading to bed within a few hours of arriving home.  I'm tired and drained most days and I really a struggling with having a lot more people around.  I hope I don't lose my &^#@ due to the chaos.

J. has created a 'theater' in our room - his new TV with it's sound bar and two comfy, cozy armchairs.  We can always escape to our 'wing' (the bedrooms being occupied are on the opposite side of the upstairs - not really a huge separation in terms of measured feet, but still, separate) and enjoy some TV and/or movies.

We are proceeding on watching Handmaid's Tale and I'm grateful to J. who watched a couple episodes when he was waiting at the car dealership this past week because he said he thought the story was providing 'content' that wasn't entirely gut-wrenching to watch.  We gave up on the series once before but we tried again and I made it through a few more - but when you feel 'dread' at the thought of watching, it's hard.  The dread is lightening and you start to 'see' the big(ger) picture of the story - it's feeling easier to watch and we're looking forward to Season 2 which starts in early April.

Time to shower and dress and continue working around the homestead.  I just spent 10 minutes scrubbing something 'solidly congealed' off one of the refrigerator shelves and there's plenty more gradoo to work on.

Positive mojo and prayers appreciated - I know in the grand scheme of all the things happening in our country right now, this is the least of it - but still, I'd appreciate positive thoughts about this going reasonably OK.  Hopefully, H.'s job will continue to be 'good' and he'll continue to like it - and even if he doesn't like it, he'll do it 'cuz he has to.  His income is 'it' for them at the moment.

And we hope to finalize the sale of the Mariner this week.  Fingers crossed.  Not an(y) influx of cash for us - but off our insurance and onto hers.  And then she can hopefully drive for Lyft again.