B.'s second week home zipped by as quickly as the first. J. is taking him to the airport as I write this - with a lump in my throat as big as the the state of Kentucky to which he returns.
It was a lovely visit and there's evidence of him all over the place - 12 empty beer bottles in the kitchen recycle bin (he had friends over last night which was lovely - more about them in a minute). An empty shoe box in the entry way from the new shoes he bought at the outlet mall in Livermore. We're on 'watch' status to find a missing baseball cap that will appear somewhere odd at some point in the next few days.
I worked M-T and 1/2 day Wednesday and then headed up to Sacramento area for an education finance workshop - an annual event that I've tried to tie in to a stay at Thunder Valley. This year, I shook things up a bit by spending one night (before the conference) at Thunder Valley but then headed north after the workshop and spent a couple nights in Reno. It was fun - though no big wins were had. Although I stopped at Thunder Valley on the way home - 1/2 way between and a good place to take a break from freeway driving - used my freeplay and won $492 within the first 10 minutes on a machine. I put some of that back - but I didn't come home from either place broke so that's a 'win' to me.
I went to Bistro Napa nightly for drinks and dinner - and both nights ended up in bed close to 7PM feeling like death. Cotton candy martinis are delicious - and potent. On the second night, I sat next to a couple who had relocated to Reno ten years ago from Danville, CA. . They LOVE living there and say they would never, ever go back. Reno has tons of things going on all year. They've made lots of friends, are always busy and out and doing stuff. I asked about the winters and she said 'well, this past winter was pretty bad - three solid weeks of snow in January - but you just work on indoor projects when you're snowed in'. I thought 'I could sew; practice guitar and piano; read a gazillion great books and binge watch any series I want'. Sounds lovely, doesn't it?
The boys were supposed to go shooting at 2PM as a 'B.'s last day' fun thing - but it didn't work out. R. and H. had a huge blow up - and he was a wreck most of the afternoon. The three of us (me, J. and B.) headed to the restaurant around 5ish and as we pulled in to the parking lot, we got a text from H. that said 'could you please pick me up'. We were already in Manteca so we let him know we were on our way - and than sat in the apartment complex parking lot for 20 minutes waiting for him. He joined us for dinner a teary-eyed mess.
When B. and J. went to the salad bar, I gently inquired 'so what's going on?' and he said 'I think we're breaking up'. Then he excused himself to the bathroom and to go outside for a bit.
I'd love to reassure him that 'couples get in to arguments. Conflict happens in any relationship. The two of you will work through this'. But I can't. I just don't have it in me to encourage a relationship with her. And here's the 'why' of that.
As a mom parenting two boys, I've always looked forward to the day I would gain a daughter or two. I pictured lots of fun things to have a young lady join in on and it was always seen as a 'win' to see my sons love someone and get to know that person and for J. and I to end up loving her, too. But that's not how this is going. B.'s friend R. brought his girlfriend S. with him last night and that contrast was just so shocking...S. is so fun and easy to talk to and the little bit of time we all spent chatting outside felt so natural and easy. THAT is what I want for my boys. THAT is what is supposed to happen when boys meet a girl they want to be with long-term. But THAT is NOT what's happening with H. and R. . I've come to feel that R. is working hard at isolating H. from his friends and family. Sure, no transportation is a big part of that - he can't get himself to and from on his own, anywhere, at the moment - though maybe we should look into buses between here and Manteca - hold on, I need to write that down so I don't forget to look into that - but even taking the transportation issues out of the equation, there is no 'fun-loving, sweet lady' hanging out here. There's a non-communicative, soon-to-be-divorcee with two kids lurking about. She does what H. does: shows up when it's convenient, doesn't announce she's here and leaves the same way - slinking out. Who does that? Someone who was raised with no manners, that's who. And that someone is with my son. My emotionally and mentally extremely fragile son.
Maybe she doesn't feel welcome at the moment - because I am starting to question the things that have happened and are happening - but that's (likely) only making it harder on H. . But I can't stop myself. I want to grab him by the shoulders and shake some sense into him - tell him that all this drama is NOT normal - yes, conflicts happen in any relationship - but seriously? All there is lately is conflict. I do feel she doesn't want him to spend time with us - or communicate with us - and we do need to set some parameters around that at some point if the relationship continues.
Honestly, I seriously just want to change the locks and tell him 'if/when you need to be living somewhere else (because he swears he's not living there but he sure isn't here often lately), give us a call and we'll happily let you stay here'. It's hard on him? But easier on us. OH - and please have R. come get the massive amount of her stuff that is currently residing in our garage....'cuz in 30 days if it's still here, we're taking it all to the hospice thrift shop'.
I won't...but I want to.
I wish she were someone I could be thrilled about being with my son - someone who boosts him up and helps him navigate all the things he's going through lately. But she's got a lot of her own emotional stuff happening - and she doesn't seem equipped to help someone through the kind of issues H. is experiencing.
So that's where we're at. OH - and he came home with us from the restaurant - begrudgingly - spinning a story about 'friends are going to meet me in Manteca and they'll bring me home' - but I knew that wasn't going to work. And sure enough, though he rode home with us - he is not here this morning. Having returned to Manteca, I guess? So here goes another long range of days when he never communicates with me and rarely communicates with J. .
We are taking the Mariner back to the dealership tomorrow 'cuz the wrench light (check engine) went on while I was returning from Reno yesterday. Chloe is also not well so J. will be taking her to the vet. Turns out winning some 'big(ger) money' a couple weeks ago in Reno is going to be the best thing ever 'cuz we're going to have some serious 'outflow' for car and dog. (And that's on top of the $1,044 we already spent on the car).
The entire admin team at work is going to a conference this week - but me. I opted out because it felt like a non-instructional person attending again (I was blessed to attend last year) wasn't right - would rather use those funds to take another teacher vs. the CBO. So I will be the only 'admin on duty' this week....not a big deal since the sites aren't back yet.
Missing B. and H. and the lump in my throat just sits there.
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