I had reservations in Reno for last night - a player appreciation event was enticing me to head up for the day yesterday. But I also had a counseling appointment at 8:30AM in Hayward yesterday and I wasn't really looking forward to a long drive north. It's fun and I love it - but I also love being home these days - with J. enjoying the quiet of a home with no kids.
I made arrangements to meet H. at the house yesterday because I wanted us to go to the bank and remove my name from his checking account. Yes, there was a reason for that decision - seeing that R. had written two $300 checks on consecutive days which were deposited and then immediately withdrawn as cash sent my mind reeling into all kinds of unpleasant scenarios. My thought was the only reason the bank is allowing that to happen - a check deposited with an immediate withdrawal - is because H.'s account is linked to our accounts. No, he can't see any of our accounts - or access them in any way. But the 'link' that is created means the bank assumes I would be also responsible for any insufficient funds situation that might occur - and I don't want that to be the case anymore. H. texted around 11:30 that he wasn't feeling well. Our backup plan was that I would go to the bank alone to close the account - because both parties have to be there to remove one of the names on an account but either party can close the account on their own. I gave in and said 'how about I come to you around 4PM and we'll head to the Manteca branch and take care of it and then I'll bring you back 'home'.
I had the foresight to make an appointment online - and that turned out to be a very good thing because there were quite a few people waiting for a banker - and once they knew we had an appointment, we were helped immediately. Thankfully, I also thought to grab H.'s passport before I left the house - because he has no current driver's license and he and R. haven't taken the time to get to the DMV and get him and identification card of some kind.
We were in and out of the bank in about 10 minutes - and had a little time before our appointment time and also after to spend some time talking.
H. seems to understand that R.'s actions towards us lately have been suspicious and inappropriate. He sees that things she's done and continues to do are showing a pretty extreme level of 'control' towards him - and he agrees that her actions are inappropriate. He was pretty direct with me - that he's told her 'if you can't figure out how to make things right with my parents, then we won't have a relationship because they are my parents and I'm not going to not be in contact with them'. I asked him 'is she suggesting that you shouldn't be in contact? Because sometimes, that's how it feels - that she's literally holding you hostage; possibly deleting communications so you don't know that we've reached out to you. (She hasn't done that particular action that we know of? but I wouldn't put it past her based on things she has done). And we sure won't be reaching out to you much at the moment because we're at the point where we're not actually sure who's responding to us - so that's a problem.' He says she's not really suggesting 'no contact'? But she also doesn't really think that the most recent issue which occurred is any big deal. I paused carefully and said 'someone who feels the need to control someone else to that degree is a pretty big deal, H. . Her behavior is not normal by any stretch of any parameters...and I just want to be sure you are aware of that.' She also doesn't feel that we're supportive of him - and I asked him 'be specific. In what way does she feel we aren't supporting you'? He wasn't really able to answer but it appears to be because we are asserting that what she did this week is inexcusable and wrong on more levels than we should ever have to explain to the person who did it.
I told him that we will ALWAYS be supportive of him - however, we won't be supportive of someone in his life who is demonstrating an inability to take responsibility for the actions that have led to us having no interest in dealing with her.
H. said she intends to apologize - but he wants her to do that in person - and (his words) 'she doesn't make being in person a priority'. A recent example of that: when she dropped off her kids at her ex's place (very near my office), H. phoned - he was at the Starbucks 1/2 mile from our house - but they didn't stop by. When we talked yesterday, I told him 'that pretty much broke my heart' and he said 'it broke mine, too'. He said she had a list of things and places to go and do and she didn't want to stop by. I said 'seriously, H.? She had you wait for her at Starbucks instead of taking a few extra minutes for you to say Hi to your parents? We haven't seen you in a week - and the last time we saw you, you were a wreck about a disagreement with her'. He agreed.
So it's all a little uncertain and drama filled - but I feel better having talked to H. because he absolutely does seem clear - he acknowledges things are not going great and he also confirmed numerous times that he has absolutely no intention of continuing a relationship with her if she continues to do the things she's done and be how she's been about contact with his parents. Period. End of story.
Then I flashback to last weekend when he was an absolute wreck at the thought of not being with her.
I reminded him that we'd like all her stuff out of the garage and house by the end of August. And I said 'and you'll be packing up your stuff, too, right'? He said 'why? I don't need to'. When I asked 'will you still be able to help us in October when we need someone here to be with Chloe for a few days (because the kennel owner is taking a vacation at the same time we are), he said 'absolutely! I can't wait to be home'.
This is still home. With her is 'with her' but not living with her. Though we don't see him for weeks at a time but oh well.
This is still home to him. And I'm OK with his transient, nomadic existence for now.
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