Mother in Law (Not)

H. did come by briefly.  He assisted with the under the stove project - giving the space a final wipe, got into the far back corners that were hard for me to reach and wiped down all the sides.  The space is neat and clean and I kept only pans we use regularly.  Tossed a few things that weren't worth donating and donated some skillets.

I'm always sad and choked up when H. is here.  I told him that I consider him living with his girlfriend now - and then as he left, I remember that I should have also said 'and that's fine.  We just miss seeing you more'.  But I'm so choked up at all the uncertainty - his inability to transport himself anywhere often ends up feeling like he's more a hostage than a boyfriend.  He went up to his room for a bit and then took some stuff we gave them to his car (an old (used once) slushie machine and a huge bag of kettle corn that was a 2/1 deal at Costco) and then J. reminded him he hadn't brought his laundry down.  So he rushed upstairs to get that - as she waited out in the car.  Her kids were in the car - she had picked them up because tomorrow is her birthday and her ex agreed to let her have them for that day.

For me, not meeting her kids is a huge 'sign' to me that she's not serious about a committed relationship with H. .  Yes, I know there's all the nuances and stuff related to a divorce but oh well. She and H. have both indicated that her ex knows about their relationship - so if it's all out in the open, why not introduce them to your boyfriends parents?  When H. is over there and the kids are there, he says he sleeps on the couch.  Guess so.  Guess to maintain appearances....so perhaps that's why we haven't met them.  And he's picked up at the curb and kept on a short leash - from what we observe.

If she were super organized and on top of things and would help him with all the things he needs to do and transport him willingly to all the places he needs to be, it would be a fine thing.  He'd be supported by someone who is there for him and that's a lot of what love is.  But she's not.  And he's not.  One of his doctors called this morning with a cancellation - an appointment available at 7AM on Wednesday - and instead of writing down the info, relaying it to J. and then J. relaying it to H. , I said 'here's H.'s cell phone number - please contact him'.  I resisted the urge to say 'we are stepping off the H. roller coaster, thank you very much'.  But that's how it feels.

On a good note, I don't fret anymore when days go by and I haven't heard from him.  No point in fretting.  He lives with her.  Out of sight, out of mind.

I'd always dreamt that I'd be gaining daughters when my sons met their intended....but I've gained nothing like that.  I'm sure she senses my uncertainty about the relationship - and my concern about H. being involved with someone who's unwinding a marriage with two kids in tow.

It's all very complicated and messy and it hurts my heart - and I hurt for H. because I know he feels conflicted and 'torn'.  He said 'we should all sit down and talk about it'.  And I said 'I have no idea what to talk about - you live with her.  What is there to talk about'.

I don't know what to do.  It's just easier when he's not here vs. when he is.  In and out makes me miss him and feel sad -