Returning

It's been a week of feeling on pins and needles with three family members in the hospital.  My cousin and brother-in-law (both in Arizona) came home today.  Both post surgery patients and glad they are home in the comfort of their own beds and on the road to recovery.  My Oklahoma City cousin is in the hospital post a blood marrow transplant so her road is longer - but she's on it!  I'd send her massive amount of flowers to bring her cheer and well-wishes but she can't have flowers in her room, so cards and notes and emails have to do.  Thankful for social media and technology which give us great ways to keep in touch.  She has a CarePages website so that makes keeping up to date so easy - and it's a way to keep in touch that I know she'll see when she feels up to reading.

My Arizona cousin and I Facebook chat most mornings and many evenings.  It's been a long week of missing her green light signaling she's online.  I've been humming the England Dan and John Ford Coley song "Nights are Forever Without You" and just subbing in morning for night.  It works.  I've missed her so much this week and am so glad she's home and doing well and the surgery she was dreading is over and done with!  Now, we will catch up.  I've been getting up at 5:45AM 'cuz without her green light, there's no reason to get up too early -

It is now very late Friday evening....and I am officially announcing my Titanic slot machine progressive obsession has abated for the foreseeable future.  Why?  'Cuz someone won it around 5PMish PST, that's why!  How do I know this?  I had a compulsion to drive up there today - so I did.  Just felt like I should go and then also remembered that the Bingo promo expires tomorrow at midnight.  So I went up today.  Played all afternoon (including a remarkably long time on my weekly freeplay).  Finally broke away to get something to eat and take a bathroom break.  Returned and played some more.  I stopped playing and cashed out (to move to another machine just two steps around the corner) and the machine I left malfunctioned as I took the pay slip out.  Had 'Call Attendant' flashing.  I walked around the corner and saw the progressive drop from $1.53M to $650K in a matter of seconds.

I will never know if the malfunction was caused by MY machine about to win that jackpot when I abruptly stopped playing.  What I do know - and am glad to know - is that the jackpot was not won at the casino I play at.  It was won somewhere in California but not at Jackson.  I am pretty sure the malfunction had nothing to do with it - I had already stopped playing.  And that machine had jammed before last week when we were there.  And I doubt I would have played $4 at that point, anyway.  '

But I might have.  Just not meant to be me, I guess.

I take comfort in that 'cuz I was planning to go up on Sunday and if the jackpot had been lower when I got there on Sunday, I would never know if it might have been won in 'my' casino.  I do know it wasn't.  Not this time, anyway.

So with sort of a 'WTF' attitude, I played into the night.  Lost what I brought to lose except $20.  I would have lost that, too, but the $20 bill I got from our bank's ATM this morning was all messed up - had something all over it and the casino slots wouldn't accept it.  So at least I came home with $20.

I thought a lot about my obsession on the drive home - with a pretty crescent moon lighting the way.  Drove carefully and thoughtfully while navigating headlights of oncoming traffic.

On Facebook, someone challenged me to post three things I'm grateful for five days in a row.  I haven't done it yet - not 'cuz I don't have plenty to be grateful for - but 'cuz I do, and I don't know where to start.  And that got me thinking about this obsession with the damn jackpot - living in the future of possibly winning vs. living in the now.  Now is good. Now is actually pretty great most of the time - yet I'm spending so much time inside my head, obsessing about changing this life.  THIS LIFE.  The right now of it.  There is nothing wrong with this life - so what needs changing?

So I quit.  I'm not doing that anymore.  I'm going back to the days of trips up to Jackson being a once in a while thing vs. weekly.  We don't need the money.  And how blessed am I to be able to say that?  Yes, it would be amazing...but we don't need it and other than possibly quitting my job sooner than planned, it really wouldn't change much.  Honestly, it wouldn't.  It would just go into the bank where all 'extra' money goes.

If it's meant to be, it will be.  And no amount of fretting is going to change that.  No amount of wishing or hoping or obsessing is going to change that.

I'm going to work harder at living in the now of things....instead of in the 'how I want it to be' of things.  Now is pretty frickin' awesome, actually - and I think I need to work harder at practicing that.  Living in the here and now of this life.  And being incredibly grateful for how amazing it all is.

Family Fun

We all headed up to Jackson this afternoon and I am pleased as punch to report that we had a really fun time together.

J. & H. had quite a hot streak at the craps table and while I ended up slightly down in my slot action, I didn't do too badly, either.  We came home ahead of what we took to lose and we had so much fun!  Pretty drive, nice dinner and a great time playing - with slots a little more loose than on Friday evenings, I think.

I voiced my opinion again at the players club window that the bingo pull tabs that have compelled me to head up there weekend after weekend in August have been pretty much a bust.  $10 food credit times four is the current count.  I said that because they offer weekly free play to members just to get us up there, I never imagined the prizes wouldn't be more free play - and am more than a little disappointed to have 'won' absolutely no free play.  Just free food.

Still, we have had fun and I plan to go up next Sunday for the final Bingo tab event.

It was hard to leave a very hot machine on a Sunday evening but I had to 'cuz I wasn't alone and the guys were ready to go.  If I return next weekend and find someone won the progressive after we left, I will be upset....though the odds of that are pretty slim.  Still, the machine felt 'hot' (like it did the night I won a lot of money on it) and it was hard to stop.

H. is pleasant company - good conversation.  It's so fun to hear him laughing as he watches some crazy video on his phone.  He is always so inquisitive about everything.

I was thrilled to have two one hundred dollar bills in his wallet - a good evening for him.

I didn't work a bit this weekend and I still feel confident I will be totally OK.  I am pretty much 'done' with my big report - just double/triple checking.  And I did take time last week to cull out and reorganize stuff so things are tidier and filed, which always makes me feel lighter, somehow.

Smite is our new family verb.  It's defined as 'striking' (hitting) but we sort of use it in the context of 'getting you' vs. hitting.  We don't hit...ever.  H. used it in a sentence a few weeks back....and it's sort of become our 'go-to' word.

Both H. and I now have been smited by some stomach bug.  I am relieved 'cuz it helps me worry about H. less to find myself also frequently hurrying to the bathroom.  A bug is just a bug and we will be better in a few days.  Vs. something seriously wrong with H. that needs attention.  It's just a bug, I think.

Monday....you smite me.

Stuff About Stuff

Facebook is becoming a place where the only thing happening is people pouring containers of ice water over their heads.  Hey, I'm all for a great cause....but can we all please move on to something else?

Finally filed our 2013 taxes today and was relieved to review the IRS code and realize that the absolute most they can penalize us is 100% of amount due - which was a whopping $65.  Interest on that too plus whatever the penalty is but oh well.  Just couldn't wrap my head around finishing until this morning when I finally just did it!

Made my once every couple months trip to Walmart and left for under $100 - and that included a tidy sum for greeting cards.  And some groceries.  And a splurge:  a packet of 10 multi-colored Ink Joy pens.  The desk is full of pens but a lot of them don't write.  We were due for a new pack.

It's only a splurge 'cuz we do have pens.  But aren't new, pretty colored pens so much fun?  Sometimes a girl just needs color.

We are all heading up to Jackson tomorrow - making it a family afternoon and sharing a buffet dinner together.  Yes, it will undoubtedly 'cost' more but oh well.  It's entertainment for us all.

H. hasn't been feeling too well the past few days.  Stomach issues.  Not sure if we should be worried?  But we know he's really under the weather when he says he doesn't feel like eating much.

B. was out last night and went to the restroom and left his phone on the table.  Why would he do that? Would he leave his wallet on the table?  A $100 bill on the table?  So now he has to buy yet another phone and this time, I'm not bailing him out.  If he has to save up for the deductible for his insurance and be phone less for awhile, so be it.

I know we will help him pay for the phone 'cuz he's heading out our way soon and he needs a phone while he's there so we can figure out where he is when we visit.  Just makes me doubly glad that when he tried to guilt me into loaning him money to purchase a pistol from a friend to use for marksmanship practice, I said a firm and repeated 'no'.  Reminding him that if he'd stop living from one check to the next spending every dime he has, he'd have plenty of money to buy what he wants when a 'great deal' comes around.  It's really hard for me to say 'no' to him - I mean, I want to always be able to help him.  But helping him buy completely discretionary things is not happening.  Fixing his truck?  Yes.  Helping purchase a new phone (again)? Probably happening.  But not purchasing a gun for target practice.

This is the fourth weekend in August and I have not worked any of them.  Pretty amazing!  Not planning to work much of next weekend, either though we'll see.

Working is a lot less expensive than going to Jackson.

We hired a new gardener and for $5 more a month than we've been paying, we have someone who will come weekly!  And will plant whatever we leave for him to plant; prune and weed regularly AND mow and edge.  OH and blow off the debris from the patios, walkways, etc. .  Our current guy pretty much spends 10 minutes mowing and edging every other week.  So we're upgrading.  J. stopped at a house on one of his walks and asked the lady (who is an acquaintance - her son and H. were good friends in grade school and she and her family own the best Thai restaurant in town) who they use.  She gave us the referral.  Nice guy and speaks good English - which will be a help as well.  We're paying a very reasonable $100 for a huge 'catch up' effort - and the yard needs it so I'm happy to pay for it to look nice.

My cousin and brother-in-law are in the hospital currently and another cousin goes into the hospital Monday. So far, everyone's doing well and I'm sure my cousin's procedure on Monday will go well.  All of these family members are tough cookies and are or will be making huge strides daily towards full recovery - and I'm so glad to report that.  Sending prayers and thoughts to all, everyday, all day.

Milestone

Today, I celebrate making the last car payment on my car!  Yippee!!  And also celebrating that the car only has 54K miles on it so it's pretty likely it will run for awhile longer.

Plans to put that amount into savings each month - and/or paying down the swimming pool.  Little by little, we whittle away.

My brother-in-law is having major surgery today - so my thoughts will be on him and my sister pretty much most of the day.  A day to just quietly toil away in my office whittling away on things there, too.  Praying for a good result - the surgery will be 6-8 hours with 2-4 in recovery and then ICU for a few days followed by a week or more in the hospital.  Long journey ahead.  It's times like these I wish I lived in Arizona.

More thoughts simmering but will refrain for now.  Too early to put on paper all the things swimming in my head about the state of things in our world right now.

Second cup of coffee sounds good.

Followings

I made reservations for a trip to Phoenix - my aunt is turning 90 (!) in November and we're all going to celebrate her special day.  B. is meeting us there, too - hopefully around the same time our flight arrives so we can deal with the airport only a couple times during our brief stay.

I booked our hotel through a popular travel website - and even though I've booked and prepaid for our entire stay, this morning my Facebook feed was full of suggested places to stay.  And since I actually visited several of those popular travel websites, I have feeds from them, too.

It's like Facebook follows your every move.

I think it's safe for me to officially mention that B. did indeed get promoted up a rank - his paycheck reflected the change in status.  We Skyped with him yesterday.  They are gearing up to head to Cali on September 1st and are traveling by a 'coach' bus.  Long trip but guess it's a lot less expensive vs. flying a ton of guys out to an airport that is a ways away from where they will be stationed.

Always good to talk to him.

H. finishes radiation today and is gearing up to find a job.  I thought/assumed he would stay on disability through the end of December but he said 'I've got things I want to do' and he needs a job to do them.  I just worry that his appointments, etc. will lead to him being fired over and over and over.  These days, his work will likely be temp work and absences get you gone.

Yesterday was the laziest of days. I stayed in my PJ's all day.  It was awesome!

Updates Great and Small

B. is heading to Cali for six weeks from what we know so far.  We're not sure what changed, but we're glad he will be in his home state and sure hope we can wedge in a couple long weekend road trips down to see him.

H. finishes radiation tomorrow!  He's got sore skin on his chest and back - the radiation goes in on his chest and exits through his back - so both look like a really bad, painful sunburn.  I procured items recommended to try and will do my best to get him to actually apply them.  Parenting an adult is impossibly frustrating.  But we will continue to try to get him to do what needs doing.  It's not that he resists the big things.  He drives to Modesto five days a week and never complains.  He's never complained about any of it, really.  Not an ounce of self pity or struggle about what needs doing - he's just done it.  But the little things - urging him to get proper rest; eat better; apply things to his skin daily as he's been advised to do by the doctor - those things he resists.  Typical, I guess.  He'd be resisting sleeping more and eating better even if he didn't have cancer.

I have two other family members approaching surgery dates in the next couple weeks and it makes me wish I lived closer to those family members.  I also have a cousin going through a bone marrow transplant for leukemia - also far away.  Praying for everyone with all my might.

I worked minimally yesterday and realized I was way ahead of where I thought I was - what a treat it is to have weekends free.  I don't think that's happened in my entire tenure in this position and it's just so welcome.  It feels weird, though.  But I'll get used to it.  Fewer meetings and shifting things off my plate has really helped me accomplish my personal goal - work fewer weekends.  And it's happening!  I could get used to this.

J. and I enjoyed headed to Jackson again on Friday really early and finally enjoyed the seafood buffet. We're not sure why the buffet last week was so incredibly crowded - 'cuz we rushed up there very early (and J., bless his heart, stood in line for an hour+ to secure our place) and yet we could have easily gotten a table without being there so early.  Guess it's just dependent on when people get paid; bus schedules; etc. .  The food was good but as always, it's just way too much work to get lobster and crab meat out of the shells. Splattering liquid and other stuff all over the place for two bites of meat.  (I've had those same thoughts every time we've done a crab feed fundraiser, etc. .)  Yes, it's delicious - but it's a lot of work - and I'm just not that patient.  Thankfully, my wonderfully sweet hubby helped - and found melted butter, too.  It was a nice dinner though I was itching to get back to my machine - I was on a hot streak when J. got to the table.

Though we ended up leaving in the red, we weren't down as much as we brought so that's good.  We're going to all head up next Sunday for a nice dinner.  I'm urging H. to save a little of his weekly $ for our trip up and J. is going to play Black Jack with him, I think.  I'm also thinking we could all play video poker which at least helps you learn the basics of the game.

So far, the promotion that has me going each weekend has been disappointing - meal credits vs. any free play.  I plan to write a letter if I end up getting only food credits for the entire promotion.  They give away weekly free play just to get you up there - so I never imagined in a million years that five weeks of 'pull tab' prizes [that are invalid if not opened by a casino employee] would result in not much play at all.  It bums me out - and I've promised J. that as soon as the event is over, I will go back to going up there once in a blue moon vs. weekly.

My obsession with Titanic slots will abate.  Once I win the progressive!  Let's do this thing!!

Today, I'm going to work on closing out our 2013 taxes.  Hoping to hear from B. tonight via Skype. Piddling around the house and probably getting in the pool for a bit, depending on how hot it gets here today.  It's still a mild 70 at the moment so perhaps it won't be a scorcher.

Here's to a productive week!

Farewell, Robin

As promised, I'm sharing things that put into words things hard to fathom in the aftermath of losing the light of Robin Williams to suicide.

My cousin H. of San Francisco posted the above and followed it with this:

And the wild things cried "Oh please don't go!  We'll eat you up, we love you so."  But Max stepped into his private boat, and waved goodbye.

Robin stepped onto his private boat and waved goodbye to all of us.

I noted the news releases of his death were in the afternoon but the press release of the sheriff's department indicated the 911 call came in the morning.  I truly, deeply appreciate the family allowing the press to report it was a suicide.  For giving us the word to describe what happened honestly and openly.  So many times, suicide is never mentioned.  Like it's shameful.  Maybe it is, maybe it isn't - but someone like Robin, who struggled with darkness for much of his life helps shine a light onto mental illness.   His family being honest about the circumstances of his death shine a light on mental illness and people who struggle with it.  

Depression isn't something people choose.  It isn't something you can 'shake off'.  You can't snap out of it.  It consumes you in a way that defies description.  I say all those things because I've lived it - so I feel like I know enough about it to at least state those basic, simple truths.

He was in a dark, dark place and so tired of being there.  Desperate to not be there.  And from that perspective, I feel relief for him - that he's free of such enormous pain and suffering.

I am so sorry for his family.  So sad that he left them abruptly and that he chose to leave them.  At it's core, I think that's what is so hard about suicide and why it's not rarely spoken of openly: the person chooses to leave all they are leaving behind.  And how can you fathom that of someone you adore?  Who adores you? Not something any of us could easily wrap our heads around.

Lastly, I share what his daughter Zelda posted on Twitter -

Now we all have stars that can laugh.  His final gift -

No Irwin

B. isn't coming to California for the training exercise.  His job classification makes him someone who doesn't go.  He told J. he's completely ambivalent about it - so at least he's not disappointed.  His unit is going so wondering what the guys left behind for six weeks get to do with themselves?

He also got promoted to a Specialist.  I'm not supposed to say anything yet 'cuz while he's been told by people who know, it appears his commander is waiting to 'surprise' him?  So he hasn't received his new insignia yet - but it's happening.  It's a raise and a little acknowledgement so that's nice.

He wasn't able to workout much last week when they were on their maneuvers so hoping this week, he will return to the gym and/or running and that will greatly improve his mood.  He's a wreck if he doesn't work out.  And he knows that about himself.

I overslept my alarm a full 45 minutes - woke up at 3 and then went back to sleep and dreamed weird dreams until I had to drag myself out of bed.

I am grumpy and sleepy - bad combo.

The cleaning ladies come today (thank you, God, for the means to pay people to clean this house 'cuz if they don't do it, no one else will).  Every morning, I awake to find what mess beckons.  I am seemingly the only person who ever wipes a counter around here.  A collection of soda cans, beverage bottles, etc. greet me pretty much every morning on the family room coffee table.  No amount of being pissy; or politely begging; or any other means I've tried ever gets H. to pick up his crap.  The floors are sticky with stuff.  It's one of those days I wish my house had sloped floors with a drain in the middle and hoses that come out of the wall to just hose it all down.  It would be so much easier.

J. moved my Nespresso machine to a cupboard rendering it completely inaccessible to me.  I'm not using it much - true.  But that doesn't mean I never want to use it and stashing it somewhere I can't see in a place I can't reach seems stupidly constraining.  There's a host of other things on the counter he could choose to remove but it's my coffee machine that has to go.  Grrr....  (and yes, we did speak about it but you said moving it to a cupboard was 'never going to happen'.  Yet you made it happen by putting it somewhere I will never be able to get it out at 4 in the morning to actually use it).

OK.  I'm going to snap out of it and get moving.

I have read so many perfect sentiments about Robin Williams in the past hours - so many amazing ways to put feelings into words.  I think I might share some tonight in this space 'cuz I want to remember them.  He was a brilliant, troubled, amazing genius of a man and we lost a light.

Suicide is never the answer.  There is always help.  Always.

Mom Meltdown

Boys will be boys.  H. and his friend J. spent most nights in the family room - H. on the couch and J. in the chair.  Never mind the two perfectly good bedrooms upstairs waiting for each of them.  Most mornings, I'd creep downstairs and find them in the family room sound asleep.

I worried there was something wrong with J.'s bed - it wasn't comfortable?  Too hot?  What?  Stressed myself out over a zillion potential scenarios re: why he wasn't sleeping in the bed?

H. falls asleep on the couch all the time.  So it didn't bother me too much though I'm always nagging him to go up to his bed and get better quality sleep.  In the bed.  That is a bed.  Designed for someone to sleep in it.

On Saturday, J. was asleep downstairs and H. was in his bedroom.  J. woke up and hung out downstairs for awhile and then went back upstairs.  We thought he went back to sleep.  Time passed.  Then at just after 2PM (still no sign of H.), J. came in to the office and said 'I'm going to go out with friends to get something to eat'.  I felt so bad - we thought he was asleep.  We'd procured a Costco pizza for the two of them at our early Costco shop - and he was upstairs starving.  (I had offered him breakfast when he woke up downstairs - which he declined).  I truly cried about this - like we were the worst hosts in the entire universe.  And then I got on H. when he finally woke up - still exhausted even after hours of sleep (radiation does that to a person) - and he said 'Mom, I can't control when I wake up'.  I said 'then set an alarm'.  He said 'J. is fine, Mom'.

And he was.  Hubby J. texted him and apologized and said 'we have pizza here, too'.

J. is an incredibly polite young man - and I'm sure he's been raised the way my kids have been - when a guest, be as unobtrusive as humanly possible.

Yesterday, before J. and H. headed to the airport (SFO - long drive but H. navigated it twice - and that includes the International terminal 'cuz J.'s plane home was in from Osaka Japan (which is why it was late - hurricane delay, we think)). I told J. 'this is your home.  We don't think of you as a guest - we think of you as family.  So when you're here, this is home and we treat you that way.  Anything you need that you can't find, just ask and we'll help you find it'.  He's such a sweet, sweet kid.  Young man.  Heading into fire academy to be a fire fighter.

I think H. had a fun time all weekend - now it's Monday and it's back to daily treks to Modesto.  Winding down, though...this time next week, he'll be heading into his last radiation and we'll be moving on to what's next.

We have absolutely no idea what that is...but we hope to find out.  Oncology appointment tomorrow - I think J. is going to go and I'm going to keep working on year-end.  There's no scan results to discuss and the biggest thing on the list is a scan post-radiation to find out what the tumor looks like now.  I figure I'll save my treks to Modesto for when there's a scan to review and discuss - at least for now.

Today is the Welcome Back breakfast and the first day back for teachers and most staff.  Tomorrow, school starts!  I can't believe it's another school year - time goes so quickly.

We Skyped with B. last night and he's sort of 'down' about a lot of things.  I channel my mom a lot - remembering how hard my early 20's were on me and how when she'd tell me to 'snap out of it', I'd want to scream at her.  Now, I realize that your 50+ year old self just has a lot more life experience and therefore knows that your 20 year old self and all the stuff that went with that just need time to age out so much of the angst.  It's hard to be young, wanting a meaningful significant relationship (and not having one).  And trying to create that out of nothing - or with someone who has made it clear they aren't interested.  It's hard hearing him go through stuff from miles away and then realize there's no answer - and he doesn't like 'no answer'.

He's a lot like his Mom.....poor kid.

On a good note, his unit is heading to Ft. Irwin (near Barstow) for six weeks so there's a chance we can drive down to visit him for a weekend - maybe two.

OK - I've been up for close to two hours - enjoying FB chatting with my cousin and doing my morning routine.  Time to shower and dress for a busy morning!

Long Island

H. looks pretty terrible today.  He is white as a ghost with huge, dark circles under his eyes.  I feel 'worried' about him - but he reminded me that he didn't get a lot of sleep last night.  He picked up his friend at SFO at 9 and from the sound of it, they partied with friends until the wee hours of the morning.  I saw H. briefly around 6AM when he came down in search of Gatorade - but his friend slept until close to 2PM.

From the sounds of it, he hosted the get together last night and burned through some money so I was 'the best mom in the world' (and possibly a pushover) and provided funding for tonight's shindig.  Getting together with friends at Buffalo Wild Wings -

He said 'I love Long Island Iced Teas, Mom.  Do you?'.  And I said 'yes, but they are wicked and very expensive'.  He said he thought they were around $5.  No, they aren't.  I said 'you know they have four kinds of liquor in them, right?'.  And he said 'um, no - I thought they had a little alcohol mixed with iced tea'. No, these aren't Arnold Palmer lemonade iced teas, son.  Those are designed to get you buzzed quickly.

Indeed.

He's in week two of radiation and I suspect it's harder and harder to get himself up and moving each day...and not just to make the 45+ minute drive to Modesto.  Just to get out of bed.  That's how he looks - like it's hard to move.

A friend posted something on Facebook this morning, sharing that her boyfriend of five months had a 'freak accident' at home.  He hit his head hard enough to sever his spine at the C3,C4 & C5 vertebrae.  He is paralyzed below the neck for the rest of his life.  The damage is permanent.  He is on a ventilator and had surgery to stabilize his neck (with hopes he will someday be able to hold his head up).

In an instant....just like that.  Something happens and your life is re-framed for the rest of forever.

They are already talking about 'finding the new normal' as they move through this with him - and forever, his family and friends become his caregivers and cheerleaders.

J. and I are heading to Jackson for dinner tomorrow.  My 'special promotion' thing is good Friday or Sunday and it occurred to me 'why waste a perfectly good Sunday morning when we could wedge in a nice buffet dinner (special Seafood buffet on Fridays!).  So it's a date.  I'm leaving work at 3, heading home to pick him up and we'll head up.  There will be traffic 'cuz it's Friday and it's on the same route to Tahoe that seemingly everyone in the Bay Area is on every weekend - but we'll get there.

I had a great day today plowing through year-end stuff and will have another meeting free day tomorrow, too.  I do plan to work this weekend but can work at home off and on and make enough progress to feel OK while still enjoying most of a weekend at home.  I hope.

I have the weird rash on my arms again and don't feel great....and my doctor is on vacation until the 25th of August.  I'm not sure I want to see the other on-call doctor - I don't like her.  But we'll see how I am Monday.  It's been a week of the rash and it's not going away on it's own.

The actions of the Islamic terrorists ISIS are in the news.  They are beheading Christians.  And how do I know that?  A 'chirp' alerted me to an update on Linked In that a friend posted - and it's someone I work with so I clicked on it.  And it showed the very graphic, horrible photos which are now burned into my brain forever.  I can't imagine why this person posted that link on the page of a website where she is highlighting her professional accomplishments in the hopes of finding employment somewhere else someday.  I should point out she is from Iraq.  And she is Christian.  And I know she feels strongly about this and rightly so.  But really?  Links of graphic pictures of beheaded people?  Why?  I feel strongly about it, too.  It's wrong.  It's terrible.  It's scary.  But I'd never in a million years post pictures like that on a career networking website. Never.

It bothers me so much - and I'm tempted to talk to her tomorrow and say 'this is me as a friend of yours - not in my role as a district administrator - but I think you should take those pictures off.  They are disturbing and the person clicking has no idea they will be seeing something horrific they can never 'unsee'.'

Though I sure wish I could.

Her tag line 'They are beheading Christians and the world stays silent'.  That's not exactly true as the news shows were all about what's happening and the President spoke at 6:30PM PST about what may happen.  He OK'd air strikes against them 'if needed'.

We just have to define 'if needed'.

And the rest of the world rarely says anything.  It's always the US that's involved.  Always.  On the one hand, we have the power to obliterate them in short order.  But why is it always us stepping out on the limb to do what needs to be done?

No answers from me.  I don't know what's best or right.  I feel so incredibly sad for those people....it's horrific and barbaric and a gazillion other adjectives.

It's just always the US that utilizes the vocabulary to describe and act on things.  Doesn't anyone else in the world speak?

Visiting

Early in this past week, a work friend shared with me her daughter phoned at 6:30AM...I think it was Monday morning.  She said 'it's never something good when they phone that early'.  Sure enough....her daughter's best friend's brother killed himself last week.  So sad.  The best friend (of her daughter) is getting married in a couple months and to have all that happiness shattered in an instant...so sad for the family.  We don't know them though the name is familiar.

On Thursday, H. posted something on Facebook - like 'in one week, shit's gonna happen'...and as the mom, I felt compelled to call him.  He was excited 'cuz the shit that's happening is his best friend in the world is coming to Tracy next week (now this week) - and staying with us.

He is coming to attend the funeral of the young man who died - he is friends with that family and is flying out from Houston for the services.  He will arrive Wednesday evening and stay until Sunday.  He's a pleasure to have as a house guest and we're happy to offer him B.'s room.

He and H. are going to have a great time - H. won't attend the funeral since he doesn't know the family.  And H. has radiation daily this week - but they will still wedge in plenty of fun.

J. and I are watching the Naked and Afraid marathon on Discovery channel.  It's amusing and entertaining. No, we're not going to EVER watch Naked and Dating.  That's absurd.

I drove to Jackson this morning and lost more than I promised myself I would lose.  Oh well.  J. is going with me next week and we'll enjoy a nice brunch together.  He doesn't play music at church next Sunday which is a rare thing these days.  Bass players are in short supply.

The week is full of 'school starts soon' activities.  Still trying really hard to wedge in as many 'closing the book' activities during the week as possible....but more meetings will ensue so fingers crossed.  I didn't work this weekend - a concession to having five weekends in August so I could feel confident.  And I have made huge, huge progress during the week so that's wonderful.

It's slightly overcast today which is a welcome break from the crazy heat we've had the past week.  So far, we owe PG&E $170 which isn't bad.  I love that we can afford to stay cool during the nights and we will likely make up plenty of sun vs. consumption in September and October.  Though honestly, I'd welcome tons of rain and not mind paying for electricity one bit in exchange for much need water.

We Skyped with B. last night.  He's out on maneuvers again this week - he was so bummed about it.  They had to report at 5AM today and will be out in the field all week without any communication (as far as we know).  I'm always thrilled to hear his voice and catch up on what he's doing...though his calls find me missing him even more all day today.

J. is heading to Social Security first thing tomorrow - they are counting his severance as earnings against the limit and we received a letter that they will be withholding his checks for the next four months.  He's taken documentation to their office and followed up with a phone call - told it is 'in process'.  Apparently, that rep hasn't told the 'administration' that it's resolved (or she hasn't taken the time to look at it) so a letter went out. I'm trying not to freak out - but without those funds, we will burn through savings really quickly.

I'm sure it will be fine.  Bureaucracies are what they are and someone's got to figure out that we followed 'the rules' and his 'earnings' weren't the kind that count against the limit.

Sure wish it would rain.  Jealous of my Arizona family who have enjoyed two good downpours and a little sprinkle the last three evenings.  I miss Arizona monsoons.