Heartsick Seven

B. and I are in some kind of strange impasse.  We are guarded with each other.  He pointed out yesterday that I am giving him so many mixed signals - and he's right about that.  One minute, he's my little boy and I am all protective, loving, gentle Mama.  And the next, he's a 21 and a half year old ass who's living here sucking the life out of me.  And I turn into 'the other Mama'.  He doesn't like that mom much - and I truthfully understand and can't blame him for that. 

We went to Starbucks - neutral territory with beverages - for a long talk.  And the 'real behind the scenes' stuff he is dealing with came pouring out of him...stuff he hasn't shared with me - might have shared a little with J. .  But it was all news to me.  Only it really wasn't.

A story of a girl and a boy - who have been sweet on each other since 4th grade.  The boy loves the girl.  He doesn't really admit that - but he does.  He has always loved her.  And she has always cared about him - and been honest with him that she doesn't feel the same.  He has had a friendship with her for a long time - and they hang out often with friends and without.  I think B. has staged this 'friendship' in order to keep her in his life - because she knows he has feelings for her but she says she doesn't feel the same towards him.  So they stay 'friends'.  And he says he would rather have her in his life as 'just a friend' than not at all.

Something happened a month or so ago and they mutually decided to take a break.  From all of their various statuses....friends, better than friends, wanting to be more than friends.....a break.  He hasn't heard from her in over a month - and he's a bit sad about it.  He enlisted - a huge milestone for him - and she never commented.  Never texted him.  Not a word. 

His heart is breaking.  He hasn't had her to talk to - to share life with - in a over a month.  And he's always had her in his life - since he was 10. 

I think the girl does truly have feelings for him - but she doesn't want to.  And I was honest with him about that - that she may have feelings for him but wishes she didn't - and she seems to be saying that the life he plans is not a life she wants for herself.  She doesn't want to be with someone who will be deployed periodically to foreign countries.  She doesn't want that life.  And as hard as it is for him to deal with that, he has to start accepting it - because as long as he keeps trying to hold on to her - friend or not - he will never allow himself to become involved with someone else.  And that's a no-win situation.

B. cried a little at Starbucks - and he acknowledged that he feels 'depressed' about it all and has for over a month.  I tried to offer the usual advice - go to the gym more; start running again; get up and do stuff instead of using a week's vacation to sit around the house and pine away for her [he has two weeks paid vacation now and used one week for the Montana/Canada trip and the second he took off this past week and spent it doing nothing...].

Last night, he went to a friends house.  I got up to go to the bathroom around 3:30AM and his bedroom light was on...but it was off by the time I was walking back to bed. 

This morning, J. told me that B. was opening a beer with a 'bad' bottle opener - and the bottle broke.  He sliced his middle finger pretty badly - and he got a friend to take him to the hospital.  He has seven stiches in his finger....

Sometimes, people just need to be heard.  I told B. that it would be good for him to share more on a regular basis so at least I'll know why the ass that sometimes shows up is coming around more often at times.  It's helpful to know the full story.  All of us have had our hearts broken periodically and knowing that's what's up with him helps the patient, tolerant, loving mom be in residence more often than not. 

I buy Bandaids (waterproof) and remind him to use Neosporin periodically.  'Cuz I'm the mom.  Cut fingers I can handle (though I can't look at his Facebook pics).  Broken hearts are a little more complicated.