Steelies

When you were in elementary school, do you remember thinking there were 'seasons' for things? I don't mean the changing of the foliage on trees or the temperature of the air. I mean seasons like: marble season; yo-yo season. In my school, these seasons would arrive each year - a span of time where the entire school became obsessed with whatever the current 'fad' was. Marbles and yo-yo's and the 'troll dolls' all bring back memories of those days designed to help us learn and fit in.

I wrote last night about the breakfast meeting I had this morning - and in that post, I used the word 'steel'. As in 'steel myself'. So I want to share a little bit of my day with you and how that word has incorporated itself into my vocabulary these days.

And how God told me he's listening.

The breakfast this morning was with a long time friend. She was one of my kids favorite teachers when they started school here in Tracy. She is a breast cancer survivor and such an amazing person. She took a leave of absence during her cancer fight and both boys were totally upset that she was 'leaving'. She returned and went on to become an administrator in our district. She's an amazing person and we've always been good friends. We don't spend a lot of time together - we're 'work' friends, I guess - but when we do spend time together, it's a fun time. We have a lot of similar things that we share and kibbutz about.

This morning was no exception and we passed the time in easy conversation.

During the conversation she shared something with me that wasn't surprising. And while during our breakfast, I moved past the sharing easily and really didn't comment much about it, it really got me thinking after the breakfast - as I headed into work at 7 (feeling late because I'm usually at my desk long before 7). There's a lot of change happening in our district these days and everyone handles change differently. And it's not been an easy place the past weeks or months - but it's all survivable.

I felt on edge emotionally as I headed into work - and I treated myself to Starbucks since I happened to be in that part of town. Two new Trenta size iced teas in hand, still marveling at how the store manager there greeted me by my first name and said 'so happy to see you - it's been too long'. How do they remember so many people.....anyway.....I realized upon arriving at work that my flood gates were wide open - so I went to a quiet, private, unoccupied room and had a little cry. Sometimes you just need to have a good cry, you know? And as I was being upset, I was scolding myself for being upset - because really, all this crap is just so stupid. Don't you sometimes want to just rap people on the head with a stick or something and say 'grow up already'? I sure do....

I composed myself and headed back to my office - and saw something silver on the ground. Round. I thought it was a smashed jingle bell or something - so I didn't pick it up....and that itself was unusual because I pick up everything whenever I'm outside. Trash, leaves - anything I see that needs to be picked up, I take it inside to the trash. Saving custodial time - so ignoring the shiny object is not usual.

The day progressed. And shortly after that point, I was walking over to my boss' office - and bent down to pick up the silver 'bell' - and realized what it was. It was a steely - a metal, heavy ball/marble - just like those from my child hood. I have no idea where you even find these things anymore - but there it was, on the walkway to my building - just waiting for someone to pick it up.

I rubbed it a couple times. Tucked it in my pocket. Proceeded to go to my boss' office and I put the steely on his desk and said 'this is my new talisman. This is going to be on my desk forever to remind me - I am steel. That's my job and that's what I am'. And then I told him how it was just on the ground by our office ramp. Of course, he knows all that has transpired and continues to play out - and he knows that it is hugely hard at times....for everyone, but in particular for me. No details on just how/why that statement is so true - but he knows. And he's been telling me to 'steel myself' since I've known him - because learning to handle angst and unkindness and even sometimes cruelty sort of comes with the job. And boy, howdy - has that been true lately for me in my job.

I don't know how that little steel ball ended up being on the ground. Schools these days don't seem to have 'seasons' - or maybe they do, but they're 'iPod season' or 'portable video game player [insert brand name] season'....or who knows? But marbles? No - no one plays with marbles anymore.

It's possible that little steel ball was a ball bearing of some kind....could be. I admit it. But for me, it is/was/always will be a 'steely'. A treasured round shiny object to remind me that in those moments when you find yourself feeling really alone - you aren't. You really, truly aren't.

After that, it was back to being an incredible day full of possibilities. I managed to complete the massive amount of stuff on my to do list in record time - and I managed to tidy up my desk in preparation for not being there tomorrow - which feels great 'cuz I won't feel compelled to go in really early before heading to a 9+ hour meeting that is going to fry my brain into a zillion smoking pieces. And on a Friday, no less.

Hoping for sunny, clear skies this weekend - and I won't mind the cold a bit as long as we see some sun. We'd love to head out for some geocaching this weekend and I have a million errands to run for my 'cupcake' trial runs. OH - and a huge, HUGE thanks to my sister K. who is sending me a bunch of stuff to use in my cupcake display! Even with everything she's got going on in her job, life - she arranged to send me a bunch of stuff in less than 24 hours! She's amazing. It would take me a day just to remember what items were being referenced - and then who knows how long to find them. She's the best!!