As He Turns

H. is 17 years old today! (Happy birthday, my sweet, challenging, kind, funny son....)

I had so many plans for this day/week....had been thinking about it regularly. He was frequently reminding us/me regularly. But then, he stopped. Stopped reminding. Stopped mentioning it altogether. And until J. asked 'are we going out to dinner tomorrow night?' last evening, I really, truly had sort of totally forgotten it. Bad Mommy. Bad....

I can't really understand a mind that truly, literally forgets things like this. I mean, how is it possible to really have one of the three most important people in your world - to have their birthday totally slip away - poof! One minute, there. The next umpteen minutes, hours, days, weeks not there - until it's upon you and you're reminded 'hey, there are other people in the world - and they are counting on YOU to make them feel special'. Wow.

I know why this happens - this is budget time in my job. An all consuming marathon of work to do that no matter how many times I do it (this is my 4th budget cycle, in case you're counting) always catches me off guard in the immensity of the project. Working 7 days a week, multiple weeks with no end in sight really does 'wear' on a person - and I think my mind just sort of 'zones out' all other things. Sad, but true. At some point, my brain is completely overloaded and fried. I'm up at 4ish, at my desk as soon after 6 as I can get there, home by 6 and attempt to stay awake until 8ish or 9ish. Lather, rinse, repeat - for weeks and weeks and weeks. It's my least favorite time of my job - and it trumps all the other least favorite times by a landslide. Truly. It is not fun.

So this morning, I've already baked a chocolate cake. Raley's opens in 28 minutes and I will be there to get fresh maple bars and Nesquick chocolate milk (several). Also chocolate frosting for the cake (we don't have any in my baking arsenal and I could make it from scratch but seriously, canned frosting is the best). He wants 'chocolate, chocolate, chocolate' - and so it shall be. His dinner request is easy - perhaps sensing his mother was on the brink of a major melt-down, he requested his favorite Chinese food - Panda Express. We'll get him mountains of orange chicken, fried rice and BBQ pork. His gift needs are also easy - he is saving up for speakers and an amped up stereo system for his car - so he'll get some money towards that. And possibly another surprise or two if J. has time to run an errand at lunch today. He really hasn't asked for anything but $$ towards the stereo....so while I feel 'badly' that there's not a lot to wrap, I realize he's 17 and cash is king.

We will make the day special - and I'm truly grateful that this isn't his 18th....better start setting alarms on my Blackberry well in advance of next year's BIG, HUGE celebration. We threw a small surprise party for B.'s 18th so we'll have to figure out what to do for H. I have a year to plan....

One more quick mention.....so having just confessed that in my entire, crazy, lunacy-filled Monday, my son's birthday was not top of my list of things to remember, I also have to admit that there was another milestone of sorts yesterday, and it never entered my mind, either. Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of my mom's death....and I have a post in draft form that didn't get posted....and now, I don't think I will. And I realize that I had been thinking about the date(s) - had been thinking about how close H.'s birthday is to the day she died - and in fact, I prayed that God would take her soon because I truly did not want my son's birthday to be forever tied to the day I lost my mother (on this earth). God made sure H. would have a day all his own....and my mom died early the morning of the day before his birthday.

I'm glad that the day she went to heaven isn't a day that I curl up in a ball and grieve all over again. I'm glad that my life takes precedence over mourning her every year on May 24th all over again. It's been 10 years.....and it seems like yesterday in so many ways. And I do miss her....everyday. I miss her. But as someone said to me before she died 'your day-to-day life won't change that much - it really won't'. And while I felt shocked and stunned by that statement, it's turned out to be very true. We already had very 'separate' lives - and my life is much the same as it was. I wasn't seeing her or talking to her everyday when she died....so it was 'easier' and 'simpler', in many ways.

I really thought (a month or so ago) that I'd attempt to take yesterday off. That spending a quiet day remembering [and also, in those thoughts thinking I could use the day to get ready for H.'s birthday] would be nice. But those thoughts never entered my mind once Sunday or yesterday. They just weren't there. And maybe that's a gift from God - to make the 10th anniversary much like zillions of other days....just a regular day.

The only bad thing about that 'gift' is that it also allowed H.'s birthday to sort of meld into the melting pot of my wee brain....and that's not something I feel good about....

I will make it up to him - and honestly, until he reads this someday when I'm no longer on this earth - he won't know that I really feel like I totally 'forgot'. It was in my memory bank at some point last week - but yesterday, it was nowhere. Nada. Zip. Zippity-doo-da.

Poor kid. Two aging parents with feeble brains. His 21st birthday might truly suck....and by his 30th, he may be cleaning drool off the chins of both his parents.

H., I love you more than words can say - and from the absolute minute you existed, and then 1,000,000,000 [insert never ending zeroes] times more than that when I saw your sweet face and held you in my arms, I have loved you and cherished you beyond what I can express in writing. This past year has been our most challenging yet as parents - it is a year that will go down in the family history book and be yanked out at your wedding; the birth of your own kids; the 'you're getting your come-uppance' when your own kids are having a year like we've just had. But from the bottom of my heart, I'd do the entire year over again - I wouldn't change a thing...because it's been hard but also good. Good for you to learn to 'say the hard thing' - so we'll know when you're not ok and know that you need us. It's that simple - you need us. And if all the things that have happened this past 6 months had never happened, you might still not know how to say those hard things. You might still not know when to express the things you've been afraid to express - but you have, and you know. And you know that we love you enough to do virtually anything we can to help you. To help us. Being your parents is a tough job but we love you and would literally walk through fire for you. And we mean it. And I know you know that. And none of that would have happened if we hadn't gone through the hard time we've been living through. I know it's not all puppies and flowers all the time - but it's so much better. And we've all worked really hard for that.

Let's remember that as you start your 18th year.....we'll all keep working hard.

And this time next year, we'll be planning a great trip to Cancun in honor of your birthday and your high school graduation!!! (Graduate, 'kay? 'Cuz we've already put the deposit on the beach-front condo and I really, really want to go....and I know you do, too. So work hard!).

Love you, my sweet pumpernickel. Happy 17th!