Impasse

I'm sort of hesitant to post this - to actually write it all down. Sure that once I do that, the entire discussion will resurface and fester and we'll be in the limbo we've been in for over a year. But it does appear that reconciliation has occurred - that we are in agreement, at least for today.

B. has decided to attend a two year college - and even better - he wants to attend the two year college where I worked for almost five years.

The reasons for this are many - and while he has taken some time to get to this place, I know he knows in his gut that it's the right decision. He is just plain 'not ready' to make the break from home and attend an 'away' school, though he desperately wants to. His grades are far from stellar; his motivation lacking on a regular basis. Most recently, he waited until the last minute to do a paper - and ended up having to miss some school to get it done. He sees no 'patterns' in all this - doesn't seem to tie the repeated pattern of putting things off as long as possible; misjudging just how long things take (I'm telling him to multiply the time HE thinks it will take by 2 or 3 and that will be closer to what it will actually take); putting off school work because of social things like going to the gym or time with friends.

I've lost count of the times these issues have surfaced in the past 3.5 years of his high school days. Given up at trying to point the patterns out over and over. But he finally realized that it's probably not the best thing to consider moving away from home, at a cost of $20-$30K per year....and so he approached us and said that he felt it would be better to attend a community college.

And then said 'because I want to focus on the band'. I resisted the urge to have my head spin off my neck and said sweetly 'ok, but know this: the same patterns you've had throughout your high school days - of putting things off because there's something more important (read: more fun) to do won't fly in college - whether it's a 4 year school or a 2 year school, college is a lot of work and shelling out money for you to attend will require considerably more effort on your part. More consistent, diligent, on-going effort than you have put into your high school career. $20/unit and living at home and commuting to school still costs money...and so we won't foot the bill if the grades don't reflect effort on your part.'

This conversation happened not quite a week ago - and he's changed and re-changed his mind a couple times since then. But he knows - he KNOWS - that this is the best decision for him. His grades are in the toilet. He has to send transcripts reflecting current grades and as soon as he does that, he will be off the 'conditionally accepted' list and on the 'uh oh' off conditionally accepted list. And he knows it.

I know he's disappointed. And secretly, I am, too. Not because I'm disappointed in him - I'm not. I know he's making the right decision and I know, first-hand, that the quality of education he will get at the two year school he's selected is STELLAR. But my heart breaks a little bit 'cuz I was sort of excited about him having that 'adventure'. And I was most definitely excited about him being out of the house. Two fewer years of the teenage, on the verge of adulthood, angst filled B. would be a nice thing. But it appears he will be living here a couple more years at least. And that's OK. Really, it is. And in two years, he'll transfer to the school of his choice, with a stellar (God willing) transcript reflecting two years of great grades at LPC.

And then, we'll get to do the whole 'setting up his dorm room', visiting him on weekends, enjoying 'B.-free' zones. We might even be lucky enough to have H. out of the house at the same time...so there's that to look forward to - the days of 'teen-free zone' are not too far away. Really, they're not.

He still has the hurdle of telling his AVID teacher - and THAT whole issue is another post for another time. Depending on how that goes, I may be firing off a letter to the Superintendent of the high school district and give him a piece of my mind. I'll keep you posted on how it all turns out. Suffice it to say: the AVID teacher at B.'s school is very 'against' her students attending community colleges. She uses the 'data' that supports that many kids attending two year colleges don't transfer - and while that may be true, I know it will not be true for B. He has a mother who is a product of the community college system - you enter with the goal of getting a 4 year degree and that is WHAT YOU WILL GET. She doesn't consider it - and has put quite a bit of pressure on B. to not consider that as an option. The kid is more stressed out about talking to her about this whole decision than he is about dealing with us on this decision. I just don't think that's right. I don't think a high school teacher should have a kid so worried and upset that he's dreading talking to her about the decision.

And had we known she would be applying a fair bit of pressure for the past couple years B. has been in AVID, we never would have moved him into that program. That single decision has caused us more heartache and angst as a family then any other decision. Which just isn't right.

We have offered to come with him to meet with her. He's afraid to tell her - how wrong is that? To be afraid of talking to a teacher about a decision that is purely a FAMILY decision.