Farewell, Sweets

A few weeks ago, I told J. I thought my car was making a funny noise. I convinced him to let me drive his just in case when I was headed up north for a class. He drove my car and came home and pronounced it 'fine'. The 'noise' I heard - really a 'high pitched' slight 'whine' that sounded different - was not evident to him. He jokingly said he thought I just wanted to listen to my iPod and his car has the hookup for that - mine doesn't. I conceded that I did, in fact, love listening to my iPod while driving his car, but there WAS something wrong with my car. But I started driving it again, including long distances.

I was right. There was something terribly wrong with the car which became evident this morning on the freeway at 8AM when the gas was making the engine rev but there was no gear engaged. I moved to the slow lane and drove a bit further - the car was then 'fine' after the initial issue, so I thought 'well, there is something wrong and we do need to get it checked out'. But after exiting the freeway at my exit, and upon accelerating again after a stop, it became crystal clear the engine was far from ok. The gears would not engage at all - and then, as I was turning onto a less busy street, the check engine light went on. I knew I was done for. Triple A had a tow truck there within 30 minutes - a nice guy named Chris with 4 kids, one on the way. He was professional, courteous and kind and I was never so glad to see a tow truck in my life. I missed my meeting - called to ask them to send me the info in the courier (I was headed to a meeting at our county office of education). Triple A is the kind of thing that you always think as you write the check out 'is this worth it 'cuz we never use it'. But when you NEED it, you are so glad to have it - and it is SO worth it. Just the peace of mind - one phone call. That's it. They even called back to tell me he would be there within 15 minutes. And he was. I love Triple A!

Thankfully, J. returned home last night and when I called him on his cell, he immediately offered to come back home. Which he did, so I could have his car to get to the workshop I am now at in Sacramento (I'm in the hotel at the moment but the 2nd day of the workshop is tomorrow). I took his car, he worked at home and waited for Honda to call him with the $3700 estimate to fix it. And then he went and got a rental car.

I made it to my workshop late - not because of that fiasco but because I was told the wrong location. And when I finally found the right location, I then couldn't find any parking ANYWHERE and drove around down town Sacramento looking for a place to park. It was a worthwhile workshop and I'm sure tomorrow will be even better.

As I drove to the workshop, I was so 'proud' of myself for how far I've come on the 'coping skills' scale. I wasn't flustered. Not the teeniest bit annoyed. Stuff happens. We took care of it. I wasn't even remotely irritated with J. - I would have been years ago - I would have been pissed off that he never 'gets' what I'm trying to convince him of; that he doesn't listen; etc. - a million, zillion 'judgment' statements. Those don't even enter my mind anymore. I have evolved. I want my time on this earth to be about doing all I can to be happy and productive and full of kindness. To rain harmony and good thoughts wherever I am. And it was working. I felt great - rough morning, yes. But it's all fine and it all worked out OK.

Notice I said 'was working'.

Because as soon as J. got home from picking up the rental car, he had to rush our dog to the vet - and we will be putting her to sleep tomorrow. Dani's back problem of a few months ago turned into a back crisis in less than 12 hours. She was OK at 10AM this morning - though I did notice that she was moving a bit 'strangely' - seemed stiff. But by the time J. and B. got back from picking up the rental car, she was unable to walk. Refused to put weight on her back legs. And was clearly in pain.

Diagnosis: ruptured disk. Treatment: aggressive surgery done within 24 hours (they wanted J. to take her tonight to Dublin) and months of physical therapy. And thousands of dollars. And even with all that, her quality of life is compromised forever. She will have pain daily. As she has had off and on these past weeks. She wasn't moving because she's paralyzed - and there's no certainly that is 'fixable'.

So we have decided to put her to sleep - it is the humane thing to do. But it still feels horrible. Really horrible.

I miss her already. She is the sweetest, kindest, most loving dog on the planet. And tonight is her last night here with us - and I'm not even there. I'm in a hotel room blogging about it. And crying my eyes out.

I am so glad J. is home. And I am thankful God let the really hard stuff happen when J. was home instead of when he wasn't. It doesn't make the stuff any easier, and yet it does. J. is my rock.

Goodbye, Dani dog. We love you, sweetheart. With all our hearts. You go play and run and enjoy doggie heaven. Your eyes will be all better and you'll be able to see and run and jump and EVERYTHING....all the time. And we'll see you again someday. Love you, sweets.