Gut Punch

Most often, I feel pretty pragmatic about the situation with H. .  Accepting of what we know and glad we know all of it now vs. his stories.  Worried about him but not debilitated by the worry.  Remind myself frequently he's been living this way for over a year now and he's figured out how to make it.  

But having the contact we had in February sort of resets things in my brain and I replay the conversations over and over - and mostly beat myself up for what I did or didn't say.  I mostly just move past those thoughts but sometimes it feels like a stomach punch and I'm just lost for a few minutes.  Is he OK?  Does he know we love him?  Does he know we aren't helping him - not renting an apartment for him, not paying for him to 'get out of Texas' (which is what he says he wants to do) - because we can't keep doing things that enable him?  

Does he understand that all the lies he told us - for years and years - are now stark and in the open as we realize the skill he has in misrepresenting anything remotely resembling 'truth'?  

I've decided to make a chronological list of the things that happened in his 'childhood' and that list will remind me of all the shit we've been through.  The time he pretended to attend classes at a community college for a year - maintaining the illusion he was in school by needing to be driven to/from daily; the time he invited his drug dealer to stay in our home when we were on vacation and left him alone in the house - he told us the person who stayed with him was a friend who used to live in our neighborhood.  So many more things that happened and we just did our best to hold our shit together.  So many more things I could list but I won't.  Reading those things in this blog are a reminder that we were gullible, stupid, overly forgiving and clearly dumb about what it's like to have a heroin addict in the family. 

It's a rocky road, that's for sure.  

It's a fine line of wanting him to know we truly do care about him.  We love him.  He's our son.  Always and forever.  We offer options for where he could go when he's ready to change his life.  But....there is no relationship there anymore and I truly don't think there ever will be.  Pretty hard to move forward from everything - can't have any sort of meaningful relationship or contact with someone you completely do not trust.  Not one little bit.  

I cross that road in my head and heart all the time....preparing for the time he possibly shows up at our door looking for a roof over his head.  He won't be allowed to stay with us.  We would invite him in for a meal and using the facilities - but that's it.  And honestly?  I'm not sure what we'd talk about. 

 

Winning Weekend

The weekend stay at Atlantis was spectacular!  Friday's play included 3 Majors (one was a hand pay) and lots of other brave and bold wins.  

The first Major hit about 45 minutes after my arrival.  It was a great day!

The 2nd two and a half hours later.  

 

And the last Major on Friday was at 9:14PM and ended up being a hand pay - it was the 5th spin of 6 free games.  Grand total $1,545.

Saturday felt light a bit but something miraculous happened.  The place was mobbed that evening - something that really gave me pause because it turns out I am not all that 'ok' in a place with a ton of noise, constant motion and zillions of people everywhere.  I walked by a machine I played a lot a while back - Lock It Link.  When I sat down, there was a penny on the machine so I said 'Hi Mom & Dad, bring me some luck'.  They sure did.  I hit a bunch of huge line hits - $800+ gain on those and then I had six free spins (also epic) but the 5th one?  REALLY EPIC.  It was a not quite full screen of the highest paying symbol and was a $1,545 hand pay!  Nickel denomination.  The guy next to me said 'you just won $300ish!'.  I said 'well, I won a bit more than that 'cuz those are nickels'. 

 

I have a phone full of other amazing hits - it was a truly extraordinary weekend! First two hand pays of 2022! 

Subscription Everything

We are long time users of Yahoo Mail.  Using their mail platform allowed us to maintain our very old email addresses - with pacbell.net as the 'carrier'.  Anyone in California realizes just how far back that carrier goes.  

Beginning on the 1st of February, Yahoo Mail became a subscription service.  They aren't telling you that up front - you don't have to subscribe.  But apparently if you don't pay $5 a month, your email in-box will become essentially worthless as dozens of spam emails flood your box.  If you pay the fee, they will help assist you in 'unsubscribing' from various companies you're not interested in hearing from.  And hopefully leave spam in your spam box instead of sending it to your in box. 

We're starting to think we will subscribe and hope that eases the overload.  I'm not a 'do email daily' kind of gal - I do look at email daily and read any that I need to read.  But I delete massively when I'm sitting around waiting for someone or something vs. being an on top of it 'cleaning out daily' person.  But with the influx of spam it's almost impossible to wade through the in-box. It's maddening. 

So...something to ponder in a world of things to ponder. 

As each day passes, it seems less and less likely that B. will be deployed anywhere.  What is happening to Ukraine is so sad and tragic and there are a lot of US troops nearby - though not in Ukraine.  Maybe they've sent the troops they intend to send and B.'s company won't have to go.  We are still sort of in a holding pattern - which is much harder on B. than it is on me and J. and a gazillion times less hard for the three of us than it is for soldiers with wives and kids.  The massive logistics of knowing you are going to be out of the country for months - it's hard to contemplate.  I asked B. a week or so ago 'what will you do with your US Mail?'.  He said 'haven't even thought about that'.  

I'm excited about heading to Atlantis for a couple days.  J. has decided he will head to California tomorrow instead of waiting until Saturday - he thinks he can get to California between the two big storms.  I just tried to downsize my purse for the weekend - will see if I think it will work.  I always feel like I'm hunting through my massive purse for this or that and keeping things smaller would eliminate carrying stuff that I have 'just in case'.  But....the smaller purse is truly small.  Still pondering.  Which feels appropriate 'cuz it's my Winnie the Pooh Dooney & Bourke bag and Pooh ponders a lot, too.  

I took our neighbors six more lobsters this morning and then put what's left in our freezer in ziploc bags. Wiped out that side of the freezer with the alarm beeping to tell me over and over 'hey, the freezer is open'.  Right.  I know.  

Mufasa has been my shadow lately.  I had to come out to the kitchen at 2:30AM to get some Advil for a pounding headache.  She jumped up on the counter and was so excited for human company.  She seemed super disappointed when I headed back down the hall to my bedroom.  I'm not drinking anything 2-3 hours before I go to bed - but when you've consumed a pizza (super salty mozzarella), I was (apparently) pretty dehydrated.  Some water and Advil did the trick and I was back to sleep pretty quickly.  

Muf's been following me around all morning from room to room as I tidy, do the purse swap, throw some laundry in the washer, etc. .  She's a love bug.  So is Nala.  J. is Nala's human and I'm Muf's.

New Week Fresh Start

J. is attending his monthly golf meeting - which is a social thing as much as it is a meeting.  They have speakers, have a nice lunch, spend time talking golf.  He really enjoys the group!  

I've spent a good chunk of the morning doing a ton of little things that most people wouldn't notice, but I do.  Cleaned out the toaster - decrumbed all the parts as best I could.  Wiped out the cupboard where we store the toaster 'cuz it was pretty crumby, too.  Unloaded the dishwasher I ran first thing this morning - it's reloaded again (big pans from a spaghetti feast last night) and running.  Took a couple things out to the garage for the donation bin.  Grabbed a couple food items from the garage shelves to move them inside - so I don't forget we have them.  Mostly, we are trying to store food items in the pantry but when we've done a Costco shop stock up, some things hang out in the garage for a bit until we need them.  

Treated the cats to a small bit of moist food.  They gobble it up and when Nala's finished, Muf moves in to finish.  They'll be stuffed and happy and will likely curl up for a nice nap.  

I'm working on B.'s taxes - was really overwhelmed last night as I tried to figure out how to report the loss he took on cryptocurrency.  He is adventurous in his investing - and he's also really good at investing in things that grow.  Tesla for one.  Anyway...he did suffer a loss on crypto but that helped reduce what he owes from the stock sales he made throughout the year. Finally figured out what to do so I didn't ruminate about it all night - but I made J. nuts (I'm sure) 'cuz I was so over it last night.  

It all worked out.  I'm going to dig in and finish our taxes and B.'s in the next couple days.  

J. is heading to California this weekend - leaving Saturday and returning Sunday depending on weather - attending a concert with his best friend R. at Gallo Center in Modesto.  I've got a 'Ladies Weekend' at Atlantis - I'll be staying there Friday and Saturday nights.  Looking forward to a lot of play time.  And beer.  And free play.  Plan to cash in some comps for free play and see what happens.  Also thinking I'll venture to a neighboring casino to play for a bit.  I hear their Dragonlink Grands start at 20K!  I'd want to check that out!  

We still have snow on the ground (mostly in the back).  Skies are clear and bright and brilliantly sunny today.  I plan to go out and spend a bit of time tidying up - picking up stray debris and tidying the rock placement along the pathways. 

H. said he was planning to get a phone - he'd only be able to use it via a wifi connection for texts and calls but it would be something.  He never got back in touch so we don't know the status of that.  Never sure about anything.  Lather, rinse repeat ad infinitum.

Wind Out of My Sails

Before I headed to bed last night, I made a 'Saturday To Do List'.  There's always plenty to do and I'm trying to keep better track of what's what.  I promised myself I'd tackle the list after my morning coffee.

We heard from H. again this morning - and it sort of knocked all the mojo out of me.  We navigated as best we could.  I'm not going to get into specifics - which means when I re-read this days/weeks/months/years in the future, I won't remember what happened.  But I also feel 'constrained' around not necessarily airing all the dirty laundry on these pages.  

And it's highly possible we didn't handle it the way we should.  Or didn't handle it the way readers might think we should have handled it.  

I ponder what/if/when will we ever have any sort of trust back with him.  I'm pretty sure we won't.  But I'm not exactly sure how that will look and/or translate into the future.  Does a lack of any trust mean we will just never be in touch with him in any sort of 'regular' way?  I ask(ed) him things and he answered and then I say 'I don't believe you'.  Then I kick myself for saying that - because while I don't believe him, I'm not sure it's productive to keep reminding him of that.  So if I ask and he answers, I guess I have to 'accept' the answer while more than likely discounting it 1000%.  

It's a heck of a way to communicate with someone you gave birth to.  

Completely coincidentally, a dear friend sent me a Facebook message at 5:30 this morning.  (She is an early riser and I used to be but now I'm not).  The attachment didn't come through - so I messaged her - hoping everything was OK with her family.  She wrote back and sent me this.  

Letter From an Addict or Alcoholic 

If you love me, let me fall all by myself. Don’t try to spread a net out to catch me, don’t throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don’t have to feel it, don’t stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break my fall, allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me. Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit….trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can’t see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me…the sooner you allow me to feel loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours…the sooner I will arrive, and on time, just right where I need to be. Me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead. Resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one. If I’m allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile, I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning, as I start to climb out, I just might slide back down, but don’t worry, I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out. Don’t you see?? Don’t you know?? You can’t decide this for me. I have the do it for myself. If you are always breaking the fall, how am I supposed to ever feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well? It is my burden to carry, not yours. I know you love me and that you mean well, and a lot of what you do is because you don’t know what to do. You act from your heart and not from the knowledge of what is best for me. But if you truly love me, let me go my own way, make my own choices, be they good or bad. Do not clip my wings before I can learn to fly. Nudge me out of your safety net, trust the process, and pray for me that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.

Those words helped more than I can say - and that was before we heard from H. .  I keep waiting for him to help himself....but I'm pretty sure he's not going to do that.  Maybe never will do that.  No way to know.  

 Another favorite song has these words: 

If I was a painter, if I was brave

I'd hang up a canvas and give it a name

I'd call it 'The Future' and just leave it blank.

Contact

Waking up, reaching for my phone on the nightstand.  Seeing a text from a number I don't know.  'I love you'.  Just that.  Thinking it's some sort of phishing scheme.  

I open up the messages and see 'Hey mom' - then 'I love you'.  

And a missed call from the same number.  

It's H. .  Listened to his voicemail.  Hard to understand and/or hear.   "Hey mom it's me...I love you so much and I miss you guys so much and I hope to talk to you soon love you bye".  That's the gist.  He was emotional.  

I texted back and called back.  Left message.  

My phone is on silent and 'do not disturb' until 9AM so I never heard the phone ring.  Realized I missed another call from him while the phone was in my hand - but we finally connected.  

I'm not going to go into details about the call - mostly because it felt like a gobbly-gook mess of things.  I let him do most of the talking.  "Just better to not be in touch.  I was in a really bad place".  He realized we knew a lot more than he thought when he lied about something and I said 'stop, I know that's a lie'.  He seemed surprised.  (There's more detail but I'm skipping it).  

He talked about how he wanted to get out of Texas and go back 'home' (to California).  I asked him why he thought California would be best - mainly because he has friends there.  He has friends in Texas, too, I surmise but I suspect he feels there are more people in California willing to help him than currently in Texas.  

He never asked for anything.  Not money, not help.  So in some ways, that is a positive change.  He said his wallet and license were stolen along with his phone.  (I don't know when the phone was stolen - if it was one of the two phones he had from our cell account or still another phone?  No idea.  And didn't go there 'cuz what difference would nailing that down make?).  

It was great to hear from him.  But the cynic in me ponders if he thought 'after five months of ghosting them, they'll be ready and willing to do anything to help me'.  And that wasn't how it turned out.  We did contact Salvation Army Rehab program in Houston and sent information to H. about how to get treatment there.  First task is to get a new ID because they can't provide services to someone without identification.  And a new ID would also be required for him to get on a plane to California.  Maybe not required to buy a bus ticket - but we didn't offer to assist with any travel arrangements. 

Pretty sure that's not on H.'s list of things to do.  We provided 'help' in the form of 'help yourself and get set up to get there, find someone to take you and enter the program'.  Helping himself doesn't seem to be his way.  

One week later - I've kept this post in draft form for a while but realize February is quickly fleeting.  Appear to be back on H.'s 'no contact' list.  Not that we were expecting (or really even wanted) daily contact.  I know that might sound harsh and I don't mean it to - love is forever.  We are always here for him to talk to and hearing from him is always better than not hearing from him.  But truthfully, there's not much to say.  No point in going over the incredible list of tall tales he's told in the last year.  No reason to dissect every conversation.  Which makes frequent calls sort of 'um, what do we say'?  We would say the same things we said this past week - we love you, we care about you, we are always glad to hear from you, it is wonderful to hear your voice after such a long time.  All true.  Forever and always. 

In other news, B. is facing likely deployment to Europe - unless Putin stops threatening to invade Ukraine, it seems likely B. will be going.  That will be a long radio silence as they are prohibited from taking any electronic devices of any kind.  No phone, no computer, no radio.  Nothing.  We will correspond via letters like the days of Basic Training.  Coincidentally, it was 9 years ago around this time when he was in Basic Training - I just found some of those letters in a box of documents I was sorting through - re-reading them was wonderful.  

Days are busy doing whatever.  I slept in until close to 9AM this morning which means it's been an incredibly quick day.  We had to put the Adirondack chairs back where they belong after another windstorm blew them six feet and into the wrought iron fence.  And just as we came in from getting them re-situated looking up the hill, J. informed me there's another high wind storm heading our way.  Drat!  We're going to move them inside the garage for a few days. 

Always Learning

 Since I've never lived in a snowy climate before, I'm learning all sorts of things I didn't know about cold weather.  

The first huge learning was the day of J.'s hip replacement surgery when high winds (not at all uncommon here) blew very dry snow (also not uncommon) across the freeway.  The result was instant ice and lots of cars sliding all over the place.  I'd never thought of wind and dry snow creating a hazard but wow, it sure did.  So now, when there are wind warnings we'll know if there's a lot of snow on the ground, be wary about traveling anywhere by car. 

Today, another lesson.  I did get outside and with J.'s help, we worked on clearing a bunch of dirt (from moles digging around plants) and then applied the mole deterrent granules around all the plants.  The granules have to be watered into the dirt which creates a smell the moles don't like.  We know it works because our first Fall/Winter in the house, the moles were going crazy over on the other side of the house.  We got cocky and complacent and didn't keep up on re-applying.  We won't make that mistake again.  

It's good timing because the pest control company was here to apply the pre-emergent weed granules and those also have to be watered in.  We'd hoped for some rain to do it for us - but the weather is looking very clear for the next few days and we've already waiting close to 4 weeks for rain - so it's time to just water the product in ourselves.  

So I started watering....watering all the rock, all the plants, everywhere - so the pellets will desolve and keep weeds at bay.  We hope.  

There was a corner of the sidewalk where we have a pretty planter and I stepped on it once and slipped a bit.  Didn't fall - thank goodness - but had an 'what the heck' moment trying to figure out what was making it so slick there.  It happened again.  And again.  No bodily harm...but then I saw it.  Ice was forming on the sidewalk where some water had been applied.  I never thought it was cold enough to freeze - it's 45 outside right now.  But that particular corner gets very little sun and since it was very cold last night (our weather station said it was 12 degrees in the pre-dawn hours), the earth holds the cold.  Water + no sun + super cold concrete = ice.  Lesson learned.  

I steered J. away from walking on that corner and we carefully made our way back to the garage entrance from the side yard.  I'll finish up the other half of the yard tomorrow and then do the front yard on Monday.  I feel pretty stupid watering rock - but it's what the company said we need to do.  I'm not sure I'm giving it a huge drenching - I should - but we still have a few days to keep watering.  

J. headed to Lady Tamales to pick up lunch and dinner - pork tamales, cheese enchiladas and beans.