Say

it ain't so?? I can't believe that Gilmore Girls is ending. And in TWO shows they're going to wrap up SEVEN YEARS?? COME ON. Please. That had better be some spectacular ending or I'm going to be really disappointed. I love, LOVE that show and have watched FOREVER. Please, CW Network - do a good job. Make the stories make sense and make the ending believable. And then, ala 7th Heaven, BRING IT BACK. It's too soon. Rory just graduated. Logan's going to propose. How do you wrap those story lines up in TWO SHOWS - one actually, since Logan's proposal is in the 2nd from the last episode. And don't get me started on Luke and Lorelai - how does THAT wrap up in two shows?

I just can't believe it. Really. I was pissed off about Everwood and almost gave up on this network - and NOW THIS?? I can't believe it. GET THE PALLADINO'S BACK and finish it the way it deserves to be finished - give 'em another season. Wrap it up in style. This is too soon, too fast. Just like Everwood, most of America won't realize it's over until it's gone. What's with that?? Two weeks notice that we're done? After all this time? How could you?

Just sayin'.

Homesick

I don't write much about my new job. It's a great job. Good people. I like it there. I really do.

The only downside is - I don't love it. And that might be something that just takes time - love does 'grow' over time so perhaps it's just a matter of it's only been a few months. I'm learning and making friends and feeling like a 'part' of the team more and more everyday. And yet, I don't love it.

It probably wouldn't matter - IF I hadn't left a job that I did actually, truly love. Really, REALLY love. With people I love. Really, REALLY love. But it does matter because I did leave that job -

I attended the year-end celebration at the college for those retiring, celebrating their 10th, 20th or 30th anniversaries, etc. Among the retirees this year are the college president and the district chancellor. And my former boss is now the interim-President - a distinction and title he is so perfect for, so deserving of. He is the most amazing leader I've ever known or worked with. He is quite possibly the most amazing leader I will EVER work with. And you don't 'get over' that experience. You really don't.

I've been praying a lot lately - really praying. Asking God to help me know what I should do; where I should be. And tonight, on the way home from the college visit, I realized that I'd lost the bracelet I've worn for a year - a sterling silver bracelet that says 'the idea being to accept fully what you are'. It's a Jeanine Payer. I gave one just like it to my therapist, K., this time last year when I stopped seeing her.

I saw K. again last week. Needed someone to talk to. Needed to think things through.

And now, the bracelet is gone. I've been praying for a sign. Something to show me that God is listening and can give me some guidance on what I should do. And the truth is: I think He did. Because the one thought that runs through my mind daily - and has since I accepted this new job is: this is not who I am. This 'new' job is a fine job. And I will be very good at it someday. But it's not me. It really isn't. Not because it's too much - it's a lot but I can handle it. I'm smart, motivated, driven. But it's not me because I want to be an administrator - but I want that at my 'old' district. I can stay here forever in this 'new' job and be completely fine - and I just might end up doing that. I don't know. And there isn't an 'administrator' job open at my old place and probably won't be. So I if being an administrator is what I want - then here is where I should stay.

The bracelet fell off somewhere today. I doubt I will find it. I hope I can replace it. But it is gone.

I will keep praying and hoping and seeking. And continue to show up everyday and do my best. Learn and grow and get better at it. And take it one day at a time. And someday, I'll know what to do. Where I should be.

Not tonight.

Routines

Up early again this morning - it's now just after 5 and I've already been up for an hour. The garbage trucks have just barreled through our neighborhood. The yard waste trucks won't be far behind.

I am starting to enjoy these quiet morning moments to myself. I make a latte, power up my laptop. Check my emails. Download our bank info into our MS Money program. Make sure we're still solvent. Make sure our balances online match what my file says. Log onto to our bank and make sure our money is still where it should be and that no odd transactions have hit our accounts.

I try to be very quiet when I'm up this early so I don't wake up the dogs. When/if they hear me, Dani will start barking like she's going to attack any moment - so I have to be careful and shush her quickly or she'll wake up the entire house. That would be bad - the men in my life don't like getting up this early unless it's to go snowboarding.

The other part of my morning routine is checking on my villagers. Yes, you read that right. I play a computer game called Virtual Villagers - and currently have a village in the VV2 game. The object of the game - once you keep your initial villagers alive, solve 16 puzzles and teach them skills they need to survive long term - is to keep your village thriving. It's a fun game and my tending to my virtual village is a nice way to start the day. There's always something to teach them or something to work on. The fire went out - have to build a new fire. There's a bunch of young villagers who are 'untrained'. Have to teach them to fish or farm. Young villagers play tag, listen to stories, go to school, etc. So every morning, I check on the status and keep the village going.

Sadly, my first VV game (VV1 version) lost all of it's tribe members. I didn't check on them enough and they died out. I feel sort of bad about that - I had 'played' that particular game - with that particular village - for a long time and it was sad to realize they are 'done'. But I have my new village to tend to and keep going and that's a challenge. Silly, I know - but hey, it's fun for me and everyone needs a bit of fun.

I also check my Insaniquarium virtual fish tank every morning - feed them, sell some to buy different fish, etc. Another silly 'virtual' game that I enjoy.

I'm about to head to the Southwest airlines site to acquire a ticket for my wonderful Aunt M. to come visit us this summer from Boston. I can't wait!! When I was in the throes of teenage angst - my mother doesn't understand me, my sister is making me crazy, etc. - I would head to Oklahoma and visit my aunt. I went pretty much every summer during high school. One summer, my mom said I couldn't go. I said (and even now, I'm shocked because back then, I rarely spoke up about anything and never disagreed with my mom) 'I have a car and a job that provides the money to buy a ticket. Exactly how will you stop me from getting into my car and driving to the airport? I'm going'. And I went. She was not pleased - but I didn't care. My aunt's home was my refuge - it's where I thought through and worked out a lot of 'teenage' stuff. It was the perfect place to be and those memories are still in my mind like it was yesterday. I loved going there. She was (and still is) one of the coolest people I know. Reminds me of something H. says about me now and then: 'you're young, you're hip, you're fresh'. That's exactly how I feel about M.. (and when H. says that to me [usually in response to me making a comment about how I'm aging, or something], it's just such a great feeling. I think he really thinks that - at least a bit - though I know I'm his mom and by definition, I grieve him frequently - but I do think he likes me....and that feels good. And he knows when he says that to me, I love it - and a huge smile appears on my face and the day seems instantly brighter. And that's the same effect my Aunt M. has on me. Always has and always will. The ticket is a gift to her for her birthday (in a few days) - and a gift to me for my birthday (in a month). Can't think of any better gift than a family visit!!

The last time I saw her was at my Great Uncle Milt's memorial service - and we've made a promise to get together for something other than someone dying. And we're doing our best to stick to that plan. I can't wait to see her.

Have a terrific day!

Dinner

I used to commute over an hour and arrive home frazzled and rushed. I thought that eliminating the commute would ease that frazzled/rushed feeling....and it does. But, I still arrive home each and every evening to the same dreaded question asked by a starving teenager (or two) - Mom, what's for dinner?

As part of my 'simplify our lives' efforts, I have been doing some serious analysis on our monthly expenses. If you don't have some kind of household financial software - like MS Money (which is what we use), get one. It will revolutionize your finances - I promise. I have really started to 'drill down' to the details of how we're spending our money. And my most recent revelation is the amount we are spending to eat out. We will go out almost every weekend for one meal - and that's fine. And I have dinner over the hill with my college friends now and then- and there's no way I'm giving that up. Occasional lunches with work friends - I still take my weekly $40 'allowance' and end up rarely spending more than $10. I'm so close to home that if I need food and don't have any available, I just drive home - so I don't eat out much for 'work' lately. But I have realized that since I took this job - the job that's closer to home and should seemingly give me more time to cook each evening - we are actually eating out more than we did before when I was commuting.

I attribute this to a couple things: I'm weak. The kids ask, in their best 'sweet' 'please, oh please mom' and I give in. They have both had me wrapped around their little fingers since the day they were born, so that shouldn't come as any surprise. Taco Bell is quick and nearby. Subway, too. Baja Fresh, etc. not too much further. It's quick, easy and the issue of 'what's for dinner' is resolved and done - picked up, served and cleaned up - in record time. And, I just don't 'like' having to get dinner on the table - night after night, day after day. Cooking is the last thing I want to do when I get home. I need some 'unwind' time - time that I don't have with two hungry young men beckoning for dinner. And don't think 'oh, they just need a snack'. They snack. They eat full meals for snacks. 4+ corn dogs as a 'snack' is not uncommon. They eat sandwiches, corn dogs, snacks - chips, fruit, etc. - and they are still completely famished when I get home.

But, this past weekend, I planned menus again (something I used to do every week) and we are sticking to 'The Plan'. Tonight, we had leftovers. The cries of protest were probably heard across the world - but they ate it. And I felt good - we ate a perfectly acceptable meal that was made up of other perfectly good meals that we hadn't quite finished. And tomorrow, we will have sweet and sour chicken with rice. The next night, talapia, steamed veggies and salad.

I told the kids that while going out was easy and quick and enjoyable, it was expensive - and when I told them the average amount per month we've been spending - an amount so shockingly huge I cannot bring myself to type it into this blog entry - they understood. Completely. We will still grab Taco Bell occasionally on nights when there are school events that require synchronizing of watches to ensure we all get where we need to be. But we're going to eat at home more. Weekday meals will be quick - easy things I know they like and know I can get on the table in 20 minutes or less. And weekends, I'll cook Sunday dinner which will usually have enough leftovers to get us through Mondays.

I will enter the house each evening and head to the kitchen - dinner will be my first priority. Getting them fed and crossing that off the 'evening home to-do list' is a good start to the evening. They will happily head upstairs to do homework, etc. and then AND only then, I can relax for a bit.

For just a few minutes, before I start cleaning up the kitchen.

EMail

I spent my Monday morning as I have pretty much every Monday morning since starting the new job - attempting to appease the MS Outlook Czar(s) who require me to keep my email files to a certain limit.

Failure to adhere to their standards results in all of my 'sent' emails failing to 'send'. And all my incoming emails being bounced back to the sender with a note stating that the 'recipient has exceeded their mailbox limit'. A productive first hour spent sending various emails to followup or initiate actions remained in my 'Out' box for an hour - which I didn't realize until I noticed the 'count' in my 'out' file wasn't changing. Ever.

I move things to folders as quickly as I can. I archive things that are over 90 days old. But no matter how hard I try, I can't keep up. It's even worse on weekends because when I log in through the Internet access, I can't move things into my 'private' folders. So time on weekends that would easily be available to do some filing/sorting/culling isn't utilized because I can't get to my private folders. The only alternative (well, I could go into the office on the weekend - and it's certainly do-able since my office is 4 minutes away but no, I'm not going to do that) is to use a flash drive that has my folders on it and move the items from my mailbox onto the drive - and then back into the folders on my work PC when I get there. Seems as much work as what I'm doing which is spending a chunk of every Monday (at least) moving emails. Next step is to write our county office and plead for additional space. I hear they are pretty stingy about it - it's how they limit folks from eating up server/system space because they're too lazy to move their emails into folders.

As I learned so many things from my old boss, I have now created a file called 'email clean up' - I just move a mass transfer of emails into that folder and there they sit.

So if I look for an email I swear I've seen and can't find, I now have to look in yet another folder to try to find it. Makes me crazy. CRAZY.

Witness

In previous posts, I have talked about how I am 'quietly faithful'. My faith is something very personal and not something I share with the world on a regular basis.

There is a change happening in my soul that is a surprise to me. And before I write this post, I want to reassure all who read this and know me: don't worry. I'm not going to show up on my bike with pamphlets and my Bible and try to 'convert' you. That's not me. Never has been, never will.

But more and more, lately, the change in my heart is happening slowly. My faith is starting to show - and I'm letting it. I listen to KLOVE (Christian) music in my car and in my office. When I drove for a meeting at our county office of education and for lunch, I didn't change the station. When co-workers asked 'is this a Christian station?', I said 'yes it is'. I didn't offer to switch and I let the music play. I listen to KLOVE online in my office all the time and I don't turn it down or off when people come in my office.

It's a small change, admittedly. It's not going to change any one's life, but then again, I don't know that. Maybe seeing me acknowledging my belief in Jesus and God will prompt someone else to acknowledge theirs?

Pastor K. calls our church 'Mission Central'. He wants us to spread The Word. There was a time in my life - not too long ago, actually - when this 'request' would be the thing that drove me from a church. Proselytizing is not something I'm comfortable with. But I feel my faith more deeply than ever before. I am learning so much about my faith - about God and Jesus. Things that you'd think as a life long Christian I would have gotten before. But I didn't. And now, I am.

J. played bass in church this morning and had a great time. He signed up for another Sunday in May and then he and B. will play in June. It was fun to sit a bit closer to the front of the church (so J. could sit with us when he wasn't playing) and we enjoyed the visiting pastor. Pastor K. was in Tahoe with the 8th grade confirmation class - including H. They returned around 3 this afternoon. H. said they had a great time though he isn't all that talkative about the weekend and apparently didn't get a lot of sleep. He will head to bed early this evening and try to 'catch up' a bit before Monday AM. His Confirmation is only a few weeks away, followed by his 8th grade graduation a few weeks after that. May will be a busy month.

B. and his friend C. played golf today - got a bit sunburned. It's nice to have two really nice young men (I almost typed 'boys' but they aren't boys anymore, really) decide to spend the afternoon together playing golf. They had a great time and I'm glad there's a course nearby that is very inexpensive. It will be the perfect course for me to learn on someday - it's about 15 minutes away and less than $20/round, including a cart.

That's it for now. Stay faithful and thankful for the blessings God gives us everyday.

Popsicles

It's a beautiful Friday. It is HOT! YEAH. The pool cover that we put on three weeks ago to warm the pool up is doing it's job. It did it's job 3 weeks ago also, but then the weather turned freakishly cold again and we had to start 'over'. We never took the cover off - just let it sit. And now the pool is 78 degrees. The kids will definitely swim this weekend. I'll have to wait for it to hit 80 or 82 but if it stays this hot, I just might jump in.

I arrived home to see the ice cream man turning the corner towards our house. I just couldn't resist. I ran in and got H. - B. was at a drum line practice - and treated him and I (and J. and B.) to a treat from the van. Nothing like Popsicles from the ice cream man on the first really warm day in awhile - and it's a FRIDAY. Two glorious days of NO WORK. Except the tons of work I brought home - but hey, I'll do it at home!! Possibly by the pool, even. With a refreshing beverage and another Popsicle. So it won't even feel like work.

H. is on his Confirmation retreat in Tahoe until Sunday afternoon. He was less than thrilled about going but he went - it's not optional. So it's just me and B. and J. until Sunday afternoon.

I don't usually splurge on things from the IC man. I get after the kids for spending $ on a Popsicle when we could get an entire box for that amount. They always say 'it's our money' - which it is. But today, running into the house to get H. to come back out with me and help me flag the van down was just what I needed to start the weekend. We got a Bomb pop (for me and J.), a Snowy Peak (H.), and a banana fudge pop (B.). YUMMY.

We're off to a great start and I'm so looking forward to sleeping in, working around the house, time by the pool and hanging out with my family.

I hope it is as great of a weekend as it feels like this evening.