Sandwich

I helped B. get to work on time this evening by offering to finish making his sandwich. He gladly accepted, giving me specific instructions about what to include or leave off. I dutifully made it...carefully slicing cheese very thinly and ensuring the correct meat to cheese ratio. And then, I cut it in half. I knew the minute the knife touched the bread that he did not need or want his sandwich cut in half...but I couldn't help it. I was already 'in-cutting-mode'....so I kept going. My thumbprint was on the bread when I finished - so I flipped it upside down on the plate and hoped he wouldn't notice the dent. He didn't.

But of course, he commented 'Mom, I haven't cut my sandwiches in half since I was 4'. I said 'I can't help it - it's habit'....he was less than amused. Oh well. He'll live.

He eats sandwiches a lot lately 'cuz he's very particular about what he eats. I pointed out Lean Cuisines and Stouffer's frozen items in the freezer; salad fixings in the fridge; etc. He opted for his usual - a sandwich - which is mainly because he allows himself only about 5 minutes to eat before he has to leave for work - and he wasn't even dressed for work yet when he started making the sandwich. Argh! Makes me crazy but I'm learning to just let it be.....

H. is at a friend's birthday dinner celebration. So, I did the unthinkable and made myself steel cut oats for dinner - including extra to have ready for breakfast tomorrow. I went to lunch with a friend today and we splurged and had sushi! I was stuffed and decided that was pretty much my full amount of Weight Watcher points for the day - so oatmeal is a good idea. It's high in fiber, which lowers the points. It was good. I'm stuffed again. J. had leftover chicken and rice from a couple nights ago. So we're 'done'. I like oatmeal..especially Bob's Red Mill Steel Cut Oats. They are so 'hearty'. Not 'soupy' at all. I love them!

Yes, I'm doing Weight Watchers. No, I won't tell you how it's going...but it is going. Little by little and that's half the battle. It is slow going to lose what's been gained. But that's ok. I'm on a good path and it's starting to work. I do feel a lot better (already) and know it's 'cuz I'm not eating as much sugar and other junk.

Vacation will start on Friday and end Wednesday next week. I have to work at least two days to get board stuff ready. We splurged and got FOUR tickets to Wicked (yes, AGAIN) and we're ALL going into San Fran next Wednesday to see the show and have a nice lunch. The kids are 'on board' and all my raving about the show has apparently convinced them they will have a good time. I know they will - we will enjoy it! I can't wait 'cuz it is an absolutely fantastically magical show.

It's after 8 and I will turn into a pumpkin in 45 minutes - so I'd better head upstairs to sand blast my face clean (just kidding) and get warm and toasty in bed. It's only 52 degrees outside - of course, it's a(nother) cold front 'cuz we spent a couple hundred $$ over the weekend and planted our beautiful garden...hope they make it. It rained this morning! I went out to water the patio pots and they were soaked! If I'd known it had rained, I could have slept in another 5 minutes. Oh well. I have been 'sleeping in' the past few mornings - until close to six. I'm slowly getting used to not leaving the house until after 7 - and am learning to not feel 'late'. I'm not late. I'm just not as early as usual...but I need the sleep.

Can't wait for six days IN A ROW of sleeping in! And even on the two days I will work next week, I have no intention of getting there before 8.

Spring Break is almost here!! YEAH!

Break

The only thing making the thought of returning to work after 5 days off tolerable is to know that Spring Break starts on Friday, April 2nd! OFF for 10 full days - sort of. If you don't count the one or two days I will need to work to prepare for the board meeting that follows Spring Break.

At least next weekend will be another 'long' weekend - Friday, Monday & Tuesday off FOR SURE....hopefully followed by at least 1/2 of Thursday and another Friday off! Something to look forward to....and something to get me through the busy four days ahead.

We did a lot of work outside - especially J. who really gets down on his hands and knees and weeds and digs and plants! We have added soil and manure to the flower beds and planted. Also planted lettuce, squash, tomatoes. Tomorrow, I'll finish planting some herbs and the last of the annuals. It's looking pretty out there again - weed free and things blooming. J.'s tulips are beautiful and the freesias are too.

It was great to be off. Never fired up my laptop once....back to the trenches tomorrow, though.

Earth Hour

We are sitting in a dark house. Not a single light on. Just computer screen(s) and a TV.

Did you sit in the dark for an hour this evening to join tens of millions of other people in the world who did this today?

Check out the before/after pictures from around the world:

http://www.myearthhour.org/

AMT

More posts in draft stage (including some pictures from our trip to SF on Thursday)...but I have to state for the record:

Alternative Minimum Tax, I loathe you!

We are paying FIVE TIMES what we paid last year. It's not like I'm not aware we will usually/almost always end up writing a ginormous check to the IRS & State of California every year. But this year's checks will be more than FIVE TIMES what we paid last year.

DARN IT!

Makes me really glad I didn't splurge on the totally unnecessary but oh-so-pretty bauble I found at Macy's on our anniversary. 'Cuz if I had purchased it, I'd be marching myself back attempting to return it right about now.

We are going on a strict budget for the next few months to replenish our savings after I write these checks. Makes me sick.

On a good note, I'm thankful we are both gainfully employed with a warm home, clothes and food.....and glad we do have the savings to pay the tax man. I know we are blessed - and I thank God for that every single day. Twice - at least.

I stop my rant and return you to our regularly scheduled programming.

Twenty

Twenty years ago this morning, I was awake early - up before the sun. I was visiting with the mother of the bride over coffee.

Twenty years ago this morning, I was anticipating the arrival of my sisters and niece and matron of honor. Looking at the dress hanging from the ceiling on a plant hook and still not quite believing the dress was mine and this day was really, truly happening.

Twenty years ago this morning was the most important day of my life up to that point. And even still, it remains on my life's top 5.

Twenty years ago this morning, I knew my life was changing forever. I felt happy. And exhilarated. And a teeny bit nervous.

Twenty years ago this afternoon, I got over my weird inability to never have a good smile when photographed.

Twenty years ago this afternoon, I literally beamed in every shot. I was glowing. And floating. I smiled gladly and often and never once had that slightly 'nervous' smile I'd always had in most every other photograph I'd ever been in.

Twenty years ago today, smiling became easy....because smiling came from inside from that point forward. Not something I had to 'try' to do. It just happened - almost instantaneously. Happiness ensued.

Twenty years ago today, we were thinking ahead to all the 'what if's' of our newly married life. 'In 10 years, we'll be..... . In 20 years, we'll be.... .' We're at that place now - 20 years forward with exactly what we expected - one kid in college, another still in high school. We're almost 50 and 61 years old - and here we are, exactly where we'd predicted we'd be. It's not like we didn't plan it - but yowza, it's a wee bit more complicated then we imagined.

Twenty years ago today, I married the man of my dreams. The man I knew was destined to be the father of my children and my life-mate within minutes of meeting him on a blind date.

Twenty years ago today, exactly 18 months from the date of our first date, I married J.

It's gone by so quickly......and I can't wait for the next 20+ years. Hopefully, in 20 years, we will both be happily retired and have no adult children living in our home. We will enjoy Sunday dinners with our kids and their kids - and long vacations, sleeping in every day, spending long, dreamy days with each other just 'hanging out'.

Happy Anniversary, J. I love you - and I'm taking you to the Orpheum Theatre in San Fran tonight to see Wicked. I'd kidnap you and stay at the St. Francis with you but you're not getting any younger (ha ha) and you need to get your eyes checked at 8:30AM Friday AND take B.'s car to get smog checked so I can mail in the registration payment.

It's a hectic, somewhat 'average' life we lead - with our lists of things that must be done - but I wouldn't have it any other way. We'll spend the day in the city with some shopping and meals and enjoy an awesome show and head home to our own bed.

Probably better 'cuz the part I never imagined 20 years ago was how we would hesitate to leave our not-quite 17 year old son 'home alone' for one night. We sort of glossed over that part of the 'what if' scenario, now, didn't we?

Ahhh....such is life. Such is our life.....

I don't think either of us would it any other way.

Twenty years ago today, I said 'I do'. And so did he. And we lived happily ever after.

Meanderings

I did not finish the taxes. In fact, I didn't really even start on the taxes. Just couldn't get into doing it - it's something I have to find the 'mood' to do. Good thing I'm off Wed-Fri this week and Wed is a 'home alone' day - plenty of time to grab the ginormous folder labeled '2009 Taxes' and get 'er done. I did watch New Moon several times....sort of lost count. I only saw it once in the theater and was totally enjoying listening to the music more carefully the 2nd, 3rd and 4th time through....which will only make me enjoy the soundtrack on my iPod even more. I am obsessed. I admit it....there's no explanation for it. I just loved the books and the movies are awesome also.

I awoke this morning with a bad headache which is doubly horrible because today is massively crammed with meetings. Lots of meetings. Tomorrow is the same. But then, I'm OFF for three days - plus two days of the weekend - so five entire days of NO WORK.

Unless you count yard work, laundry, doing the taxes, etc. as work.

Let's not and say we did, 'kay?

Happy Monday. I'm going to take a Mars bar with me for my afternoon slump....every thing's better when you know you have a Mars bar available.

Mars!

As if today wasn't great enough - being a sunny Saturday and all - my trip to WalMart resulted in me seeing Mars Bars at the check out stand. My all time favorite candy bar has been re-introduced in 2010!! YEAH! I resisted the urge to buy cases and cases of them - and bought a half dozen instead. I just ate one....it was delectable. So glad they are back because they are one of the best candy bars EVER!

New Moon in five minutes. Taxes in ten. No nap today. Having too much fun in the sun to sleep.

Bought tomato and squash plants too - so have some planting to do!

Saturday!

It's a beautiful, beautiful day here - crystal clear, sunny blue skies. Spring is here. Freesias are blooming and tulips are budding. My bulb-happy husband is so proud of his Spring madness! and deservedly so. We love our bulbs!

I have big, big plans today - first on the list is running to WalMart for our monthly shop. Did I say WalMart? Yes, indeedy, I did. They've totally remodeled the place and wow, it's awesome. And far less expensive than Target - so depending on my 'mood', I'll go to WalMart these days. We can get a lot of groceries there - and the prices are fantastic. It's a bit of a drive but no further than Target - and I need to get gas at Costco and WalMart's next door.

New Moon comes out today on DVD! I can't wait to pop that movie into the DVD player in the study and do our taxes! Vampires and deductions sounds like a winning combination, don't you think?

Checkbooks need balancing; bills need paying; home budget needs planning. Desk needs organizing; garage needs culling. The list never ends - but it's a gorgeous Saturday of sun and fun so it's all good. We are so, so happy for the sunshine. Chloe will be stretched out on her side, doing what we call her 'dead dog' imitation, just soaking up the rays!

So, I'm off - so far, the first 12 hours of the weekend have been drama free and the outlook is bright.....wish me luck. Can we really have a drama-free weekend? Really?

Enough with the Drama

Drama-free continued until yesterday afternoon - H. called me at work to 'inquire' about going to his friends house to get a haircut. They take turns cutting each others hair - and since it saves tons of $$, I'm all for it. It seemed odd he would 'ask'. He's been able to visit friends (limited, specific friends with specific times of to/from, etc. ) and this friend is on the 'approved' list. So, he said 'well, you may not let me go when I tell you what I need to tell you'. And he proceeded to tell me 'Mom, I got pulled over today'. Long pause. I said 'for what'? 'Speeding [in a school zone]; failure to yield to a crossing guard'. 'Wow', I said. 'There's one more thing, Mom. I had my friend O. in the car with me'.

At that point, my psyche issued an 'all-stop' and I said 'we'll talk about it when I get home in about 1/2 hour'. I was in my office - my team outside in their cubicles. And the urge to scream at the top of my lungs was so strong, I had to bite my lip to keep from doing just that. As it was, my assistant came in shortly after I hung up the phone and said 'um, I thought I heard the words 'H.' and 'ticket'....so I guess it's not going to be a drama-free evening at your house tonight'. That's the understatement of the century. Never in my 3+ years of having an assistant have the words 'hold all my calls' sounded more appealing. Can I ask her to just field ALL the calls from H. until he's married and his wife is the one getting these kind of calls? 'Cuz that would be frickin' awesome!

So he was cited for all three things - and because he's under the age of 18, we have to appear in court with him. Not likely traffic school will even be an option - too many infractions. We estimate it will be somewhere inn the neighborhood of $500-$750+ to pay the fine.

H. called me back within about 5 minutes and said 'so what will my punishment be'. [Damn, I should have had my assistant take all my calls]. I said (as sweetly as I could) 'H., I've only had this information to process for about 5 minutes - I have not yet decided on the punishment, nor spoken to your dad about it. We'll talk later. B-bye'. Click.

Upon arriving home, the usual discussion ensued. 'I'm a teenager. I made a mistake. I learn by making mistakes'. I said (as I have been saying over and over and over and over until my eyes feel like they're bulging out of their sockets and my head hurts from the weight of it all) 'getting a ticket for speeding is a mistake. Getting a ticket for a rolling stop at a crosswalk with a crossing guard holding her STOP sign out while there are CHILDREN in the vicinity is maybe a mistake. But - and H., this is the thing that really, truly blows my mind - allowing a friend to ride with you when you know - absolutely, positively KNOW that is not allowed - is not a MISTAKE. It's you making a bad decision. Like you've made so many other bad decisions over the past how many months? I can't fathom it. I'm gobsmacked AGAIN.' (Gobsmacked is my new favorite exclamation word. It's the only one that feels adequate these days).

Turns out the poor kid was practically nauseous because he realized this was BIG and was sure this would be his ticket to 'the other school'. And yes, I considered it. I mean, we have said 'this is it - no more chances - no more stupid decisions'.

But part of me is ratcheting back a bit and realizing that sending him somewhere else won't solve his inability to make better decisions. Sure, he'll be in the strictest environment possible - with regular 'checks' of all sorts and requirements that will boggle his mind. But he'll still be not quite 17, making the decisions made by kids for precisely one reason: they are kids. They don't think about consequences; about cause and effect; about should I or shouldn't I. His best friend needed a ride or he would have to walk 2.3 miles home - so H. gave him a ride. And H. said 'no, sorry, but I can't' the first time the friend asked - but the 2nd time, he said he wanted to be a friend to his friend so he said yes. And of course, Murphy's Law being what it is and everything - he got caught.

I can't handle him dabbling in chemical substances he has no business dabbling in. That's a 'no'. And we've made that as clear as humanly possible. His counselor has made that as clear as humanly possible. Kids get hooked really quickly and things are just to readily available to risk 'dabbling'. But I'm not leaning towards sending him away for ticket(s). Not for that.

At least, not yet. He isn't driving for the next couple weeks - and we are strongly considering selling his car. It's expensive to have that car when it's been sitting in the garage mostly the past couple months. So I'm leaning towards advertising it for sale and see if we get any offers. If we do, then the decision's made. If we don't, we're no worse off.

Oh, and to add insult to his 'no good, horribly bad, really sucky day', his after school program finally had room for him - so he gets to go to school on T-W-Th from 3:15 to 5:15 EVERY DAY until he passes his English class that he failed last semester. And when he finishes with English, we're going to have him take his math class over, too. 'Cuz we love to torture him.

Can a mom co-exist with two teen sons in a drama free zone? Um, based on the last few months, that would be a NO. They come with drama. Times two. And I love them....

Next episode on The Musings: Teen Pregnancy - How to Torture Your Child into Abstinence.

Friday!

It was a drama-free Friday here at Casa Majah - rare and wonderful of late! AND, as an added bonus, I took a day off!! YIPPEE!

I lunched with a long lost friend in Pleasanton - knew it had been awhile when she pulled into the parking space next to me in a 'new' car - that she purchased last August! So it HAS been a very long time. We had fun catching up and enjoying MEAT! Black Angus! Yum!

I handed off the treasurer items for Lions and our dining room table is becoming a Lion-free zone for the first time in a long time. Will miss the friends I made in that group but won't miss the added '100 pound weight of crap to do' on my shoulders. God, I hate that feeling - and it lifted within minutes of handing off a bag of 'stuff'. So glad to have that off my plate.

I wrote letters to each of our Compassion International sponsored 'daughters'....impromptu and newsy, which are usually the best kind of letters to write. I put a new bookmark in each envelope for them and know that Compassion will do their best to get it there for them. Hope so. I know the money we send each month is making a difference by the letters they write. They thank me for the 'extra' gift money (I send them money for their birthdays and Christmas that's separate from our regular monthly sponsorship payment) and they tell me what they were able to get. Clothes and shoes were in today's letters - so happy they are getting things they need....

B. went to Jackson Rancheria with friends last night - came home with $180 more than he took, so now, of course, he thinks he can be a professional black jack player and live off his 'earnings'. We're sure it was beginner's luck and he'll get a lesson next time he goes. Which may be Sunday since he and the same group of friends are going snowboarding and they may stop in Jackson on the way home.

We are back to freezing cold, wet weather. Ugh. So ready for sunshine and blue skies.

It's a short weekend 'cuz damn daylight savings time is going to steal an hour. Monday will suck even more than usual with an hour's less sleep.....I dread the 'spring back' switch every year. Takes my internal clock a couple weeks to get used to it.

We have no plans this weekend other than to have no plans this weekend! Piddling around the house, usual assortment of errands to run, etc.

My cousin I. made me crave cupcakes all day - lucky her - she works across the street from the Sprinkles cupcake store in Hollywood! I was craving cupcakes so badly that when I popped into Starbucks for an iced tea on my way over the hill to Pleasanton, I bought a red velvet cupcake for myself. Yum! Made my teeth look like I had a bad case of gingivitis or something - red spots everywhere for a few seconds - but it was worth it. I loved it so much that I added red velvet cake mix and cream cheese frosting to the grocery list and plan to make cupcakes for the boys tomorrow. And for me and J., too, of course. Every time I. mentions Sprinkles, I go to their website and have to restrain myself from buying massive amounts of cupcake and frosting mixes! Sounds so yummy....

H. is doing OK for now. I will post an update later this week. Both J. and I spoke to his counselor for over an hour on Wednesday. We are confident the issues at hand are being addressed....and we seem to have come to an understanding of what (we hope) will be the plan going forward. I still (always, these days) have the 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' feeling. Now also known as the 'when more shit hits the fan' feeling. It's living in a heightened state of anxiety that takes a physical and mental toll on a person. I have felt on the verge of tears all week for no good reason. I feel 'panicked' at things that aren't panicky. There's no explanation for it - except my psyche is screaming for relief from this constant barrage of crap. Hence the Friday off. I've looked in the mirror a couple times this week and feel like I don't recognize myself. There are the darkest, deepest gray circles under my eyes I've EVER had. They're not just 'gray' - they're sunken. I'm exhausted. So tired of this 'stuff'.....

So I took a day off - and did my best to not work. Did return a couple emails (one of which brought a quick reply from my boss: 'day OFF! Remember?'. I wrote back 'I'm trying.....').

Here's hoping.....

Searching

I almost didn't post that last post - thinking it was just old and angry for no good reason. We'd had some improved weeks around here....little by little. H. received his phone back - with new restrictions that prevent him from texting during school and/or night - and only receiving calls during those times from me or J. He doesn't like those restrictions - but oh well. We also started letting him use his car to drive to school. Check mileage morning and evening and he has a daily limit that is not to be exceeded. It's been going OK. Grades are marginal but he is turning in assignments, which is more than half the issue.

And then, I get home this afternoon - my first Friday afternoon off in WEEKS - after weeks and weeks of 12+ hour days and working a lot of weekends - I arrive home cheerful and excited to have a weekend off and to NOT be working - and it all goes to heck in a hand basket again.

I had a feeling this morning that something was off. I heard someone come in the front door at a very early hour....still, I left letting J. know to check with B. 'cuz he probably left or came in from running. He will run all hours of the day and night - and it was completely feasible that he was out for a (very) early morning run and that's what I heard.

But, upon arriving home around 1ish today, we found out that H. had snuck out that night - and taken my car. Driven to a friends house. Arrived home around the time I heard him....B. was the informant. H. even told B. 'I'm taking mom's car'. Because I left my key out - all car keys have been carefully gathered and kept in a restricted location - but I left a key out and he found it and decided to drive my car. Without permission. Essentially stealing it....no, of course not 'really' - but in a way, yes. It is not his car, he did not have permission to use it and he drove it knowing he would be in trouble for taking it if he were caught. He just didn't think he'd get caught.

Tears, angst and stuff ensued. We are seriously considering that the only option appears to be getting him the heck away from here - from all these influences that (seemingly) make it impossible for him to make the right decision and do what he knows is right. He was a wreck - which only makes it harder. We are afraid, sometimes, of the depth of his emotions and his sadness. It's there, all the time - and we uncovered (still) MORE evidence of him using illegal substances to numb himself throughout his days. It boggles my mind the things I discovered YET AGAIN upon securing his cell phone again and reading the texts. Holy crap....the kid's a mess, I think.

I told him 'if you spend your hour with the counselor bull shitting your way through the session - talking about nothing that's 'real' and just BSing him to convince him that you're doing great - he's not going to be able to help you. All this sadness and pain and emotions that you keep all bottled up - until it all spills out with you doing something you know you shouldn't do - if that doesn't come out when you're working with him your hour-long session, it will never come out. And as someone who was in counseling for a really, (rrrreally) long time in my adult years, I can tell you that it doesn't get any easier. It will only be so much harder to sort it all out when you're in your 30's or 40's as I did'.

I think H. has some possible issues with impulse control. I also think he has some normal teen feelings - searching for what he's going to 'be' or 'do' for the rest of his life. Trying to 'face' all those issues that seem so insurmountable when you're not quite 17 and overwhelmed with the day to day stuff of a teen life. A school he loves; friends he loves; parents he loves - he doesn't want to be sent away from that - and yet, he makes decisions over and over that make it so damn hard for us to not consider doing just that - sending him to an expensive boarding school is certainly something we find ourselves having to give serious consideration to. He doesn't know why he KNOWS something is wrong - and yet, he does it anyway. He doesn't know why he doesn't figure out time and time again that we are almost always going to 'catch him'. We have been catching him at various things for MONTHS...and still, he does them. Over and over. It makes no logical sense. We can't fathom it. And he admits he doesn't understand it either - and just knows that he feels sad and messed up and so, so sorry.....over and over and over.

I don't know if H. is depressed. I suspect he might be - and we are going to get to the bottom of that. Now that we realize that the counseling he's been going to hasn't really been helping anything but his acting abilities. The kid could win an Oscar for the performances he's put on the past couple months.

He said 'it's hard [the 'it' being counseling] and I'm not sure I want to know all the reasons why I keep doing all these stupid things'. In that instant, I felt like it was me - me, all over again - because I know exactly how he feels. And I said 'it's hard but it's so worth it. I don't want you to wait until you're in your 30's or 40's to figure it all out like I did - I want you to be your 'real' self NOW...so the real self can feel better NOW and be the self that's growing up. Not the 'fake' self you keep showing everyone around you....

I don't know where we are headed at the moment. We have several schools that are possible, including one recommended by his school counselor that is free of charge - it's through the Coast Guard and it's funded through government funds and grants. We've told H. the deadline to apply to that school is May 16th. We have the application; transcripts; disciplinary records; etc. we need to apply. We will see how it goes between now and then and make a decision.

I'm pretty convinced we should be sending him somewhere else. I just can't quite bring myself to do it. I'm furiously angry - and disappointed - and scared - and fed up. But I don't know that sending him away won't make things worse....won't really, truly hurt him in a way that he won't be able to ever 'get over'. Sending him would make our day-to-day lives so much easier....but I'm not looking for the easy way out. I'm looking for whatever it takes to convince him that the decisions he's making these days have huge consequences. He's failing school. He's using illegal substances more frequently than he cares to admit. I don't think any of that is 'normal' - and if it is, it sure as hell isn't normal in this house. There isn't anything normal about any of it. Despite his efforts to convince us it is.

J. and I will be attending a counseling appointment with him this Wednesday....and it will be a long one in which the counselor gets the 'real' story....from all parties. And we'll see where it goes from there.....

I am praying for an answer. I've been praying for guidance and direction; for H. and all of us to get through this. To forgive him....which I do and which I have....and which I will, in all likelihood, keep doing.....but it's so hard to keep doing that over and over and over. This is about H. making conscious decisions to do things he knows he shouldn't be doing. He will end up arrested at some point....or hurt....or..... I can't handle those thoughts.....they scare me to death. But that is where this can all lead if he doesn't just get his SHIT together....

All prayers and good thoughts appreciated. Any suggestions, ideas, thoughts also appreciated. If you've been there, please share. If you haven't yet, you might be. I never imagined we'd be dealing with this stuff....and yet, here we are. I can't wrap my head around most of it...but I'm trying to. I don't have a lot of choice about it. I am living with someone who seems compelled to make wrong decisions as often as he makes right ones. Possibly more than he makes right ones. That's a hard thing to do -

But we are........

Trenta

Starbucks is testing a 31 oz. glass for cold drinks - iced tea and coffees! The test markets are Tampa and Phoenix! Yeah, Phoenix! Those are sure good test markets for massive quantities of cold drinks. The drink size is called Trenta - Italian for 30.

Sheepishly, I have to admit that I have resurrected my iced tea addiction - getting to my office by 6AM everyday for the past couple weeks - and working both days of the weekend for quite a few weekends in a row - have rendered me in need of huge quantities of legal addictive stimulants. But (this is where the sheepishly comes in), I've been going to Raley's and hitting the Pete's Coffee shop inside. It's fast (the tea is pre-brewed and you don't have to stand around waiting for them to put in your sweetener and shake - they put ice and tea in a cup and you add your own stuff and put on your own lid). It's cheaper than Starbucks (not by much - but a little bit) and it's on the way to work....vs. across town.

All's well...just crazy busy and no time to write. Have random thoughts and ideas but can't get my brain to function much past 8. 9 is virtually impossible. It's 8:38 and I'm going upstairs shortly.

I'm hoping to not work this weekend - it's looking pretty good so far. I sure hope so. I need a break.

I'll be off a few days in three weeks to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary - and then off again for Spring Break - no plans other than hanging out and working on some stuff around the house.

We paid a deposit for a week in Playa del Carmen in July, 2011 - definitely well in advance but it gives us something to look forward to and plan for. Hopefully, some incentive for son #2 to at least attempt to pass. Otherwise, he won't graduate in June, 2011 and there won't be much to celebrate. Hopefully, a 'plan' to spend at least one week (and we're actually hoping we can afford 10-12 nights - we'll have to see if my savings plan works to save up for the extra nights) will help him stay focused and work hard.

Don't hold your breath. I'm not. It's still a roller coaster around here - one thing after another. Always another f-ing shoe dropping somewhere - thudding across our lives and skidding across my heart, leaving gouges in my psyche that aren't healing. There's no healing. It's hard to write about - hard to think about - hard to live with - the issues that still exist. I feel powerless - and I don't do powerless very well. I really don't. He hears nothing we say. He seems oblivious to what we say; what his counselor says [not that we know but we hope we know what advice he's giving]; etc. It's so hard. I don't know where he is. Where he went. How did he get here and why? And why can't he see that these choices he's making are impacting him in ways he can't undo? I'm his mom. I love him unequivocally and unconditionally....but I'm also a person who is very clear on boundaries. I will forgive and forgive and forgive - until one day, I won't. One day, I won't be able to keep up the 'facade'. I won't be able to continue to pretend that my relationship with him isn't forever tarnished. Trust is not something I give up on easily - but it is very hard to keep trusting when it's become so obvious that he just isn't getting it. It hurts my heart....

I think that's why I'm not writing as much - my voice is just lost in a murky quagmire of crap. If I wrote what's in my heart - a mixture of begging, pleading, clarifying, stating over and over and over all the things he already knows - that we do love him and treasure him and wish he'd get his shit together and stop making decisions that are so contrary to who he is at his core - it would be just too much, even for me. I'm not sure I want to ever re-read the things I might write if I were to just let it all out.

Everyday, we take another step. Everyday, he chooses what he chooses. J. and I are working hard at just taking care of ourselves and each other. We keep a watchful eye on things and confront what needs to be confronted....but in the end, it isn't anything we can do much about. We're trying. He's not.

Son #1 is doing well. He didn't leave SaveMart after all - had several great talks with his boss and decided to stay. Not sure how much it had to do with him being reminded that the United Bank of Mom and Dad would absolutely NOT be providing any weekly money even remotely close to his take home pay. He seems to have a new appreciation for having a job - more motivated and 'happier'. His only complaint these days is a bad sore throat which will probably turn into a bad cold. It's been going around. He's still enjoying school and has been pretty good at taking care of himself. I think he appreciates having the focus on son #2. And I have to admit - our issues with B. are nothing even remotely in the same vicinity of the issues we are having with H. He's glad for the break of parental interference.

I know it will be OK.......I trust God and He knows the plan. H. will find his way.....