Revelation

Third Day - Revelation
From the album Revelation

My life,
Has led me down the road that's so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Trying to find my way,
Trying to find the faith that's gone
This time,
I know that you are holding all the answers
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home

Chorus:
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

My life,
Has led me down this path that's ever winding
Through every twist and turn I'm always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end

Chorus:

I don't know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won't You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it's the only way that I can get back home

Chorus:
Oh, give me a revelation...

I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You


This time last year, I was seeking this song. Listening to songs for any hint of expressing all the feelings that overwhelmed me back then on a regular basis. Praying daily for advice and some clear signal of where I was supposed to be. Seeking and searching, pleading and begging. Often crying in the quiet of my bed or my car or the shower. Looking for some easy answer about how I ended up feeling so incredibly sad and lost - about something as stupid as where I was choosing to work.

When this song comes on the radio these days (the album was released recently), and the chorus starts 'Give me a revelation', I say 'thank You, God, for giving me what I was looking for'. It took an incredibly long time...longer than I ever imagined. But I am happy in my work these days...happy when I arrive. Smiles all around. We're laughing and joking and having a good time...and this time last year, I never would have imagined that would be the way it would turn out.

There are still hard days. It is a good job but it is a stress-full job. And I never fully realized how true that is until I had three weeks off and felt amazingly great...and I've been back 4 days and the 'impossible to identify' 'stomach-abdomen' pain has returned. I know you're thinking ulcer...might be. More likely, it's just the 48 1/2 year old version of myself having the 'nervous stomach' stuff I used to have in my 20's. H. gets it too - he calls it the 'queasies'. I feel things in my stomach and my 'older' stomach is manifesting those feelings in pain. I've been to the doctor. There's no answer - it's stress related, most likely. It's not life-threatening or life-altering. It's just a pain. Literally. And it comes and goes and has no rhyme or reason. It's just there. Take Tylenol and/or ibuprofen and try to not worry about it too much - 'cuz that's certainly not helping.

If this song had been around this time last year, it would have been too much to assimilate, really. I needed the 'answer' so badly then - and it probably would have led me to think 'this IS the sign' and I would have given up and moved on. And that would have been ok - I would be somewhere I'd be happy with....but I wouldn't be where I am. And I like where I am. I really do. I like the 'me' that is capable of doing THIS job. Of dealing with ALL this STUFF. All of it. I'm happy to be doing what I'm doing. And I'm good at it. And if I'd heard this song this time last year, I wouldn't have stayed around long enough to know it.

And I learned He doesn't always answer in the way you wish He would. There were no easy answers. It's been a(nother) year of patience and perserverance and faith and hope. And it's paying off. Everything's getting better. Everything's getting easier.

The turn around that is happening has been huge and heartfelt - and I'm proud of how far we've come. And what I think is that the pain will continue to lessen as the comfort level increases...and I'm pretty sure it will.