Mother's Day

Today is 'my' day. The day my family celebrates me and treats me like a queen. Honestly, I'm treated pretty royally most of the time - no complaints - but today is extra special. We started with brunch, ran a few errands (gas for the van, a few groceries, allergy stuff from Long's 'cuz I'm absolutely miserable) and then home. Eeked out a few 'chores' from the boys and then we hit the pool. 78 degrees today - takes your breath away when you first get in but after that, it's heavenly. The dogs explore the 'jungle' which surrounds the pool - lap after lap around the perimeter of the yard, through the shrubs, flowers, etc. Over and over. They stop now and then to 'check in' - come over to the pool's edge and sniff our hands. I even got Chloe to sit in my lap while I floated in the pool chair - but she wasn't that interested and was more content to have a nibble of Chex Mix when she got out. And the boys practice hand stands and avoiding wasps or bees. A nice relaxing afternoon. Nap will begin shortly.

The last time I spoke to my Mom was Mother's Day, 2000. She was already 'out of it' a good majority of the time and the conversation was short. I wished her Happy Mother's Day and she barely acknowledged me. Told her I loved her - no response. She died two weeks later.

I miss my mom. I think of her everyday. I'm lucky that while her death was sad and hard, I felt prepared for it. She hadn't been a part of my day-to-day life in quite sometime - we were drifting apart a lot the years before her death. So I had already 'let go' a lot - which was probably a good thing. There was a time when, next to Jim, I considered my mom my best friend. Losing her as my mother was hard enough - if she had still been my 'best friend', I would have been devastated when she died. I was sad and regret-full but able to move on fairly quickly. I had lived in a different state for over 20 years when she died so wasn't seeing her everyday...so the 'loss' was hard, but didn't change my daily life all that much, which I think made it a lot easier.

Mother's Day every year since she's died has been horrificly hard. I am consumed with the loss. When we were shopping this morning, I saw zillions of people picking up last minute stuff for their mom's - pastries, cards, flowers. Saw daughters with their mom's at brunch and shopping and felt so alone, it was hard to breath. Today is the day I miss her most...and it's so hard to 'celebrate' with the boys when my heart is breaking. I know someday, B. & H. will know what it's like to 'celebrate' with their families when they don't have a mom here anymore.

I've been dreaming a bit about my mom lately, which is fairly rare. I dream we are at our beach cabin - we don't own it anymore and I'm never really sure that we're 'supposed' to be there - but we stay a few days, piddle around, walk the beach together, etc. Just like in the 'good old days'. I like those dreams. Feel connected to her and feel like she's visiting me for a short time. I hope she is.

I miss you, Mom. I know most days, it probably doesn't look like I do - but I do. I really do.

PS - B. & H.: Thank you for making my day so amazingly special - and thank you both for being the reasons I AM A MOM. You are both so incredible and I am so, so blessed to have you in my life. There are no words to tell you how much I adore you both. [Now please go clean your bedrooms, 'kay?].

I thanked B. for making me a mom and he said 'well, uh, technically, Dad did that' ...so, a big thank you to J. who is the guy who assisted in the creation of the two sons I adore. Thank you for being their dad and for being so wonderful. I love you very much.