Monday

It is now the Sunday after Thanksgiving and frankly, I'm in shock. Tuesday evening found us all staring in wonder at the glorious five days that lay before us. Yes, they would be busy days - preparing a big meal, welcoming family to our home. But the exhiliration and joy in this house on Tuesday evening was obvious. Five amazing days stretched out before us and we were elated and set about undwinding.

But now, it is Sunday evening just after 7 and the full reality that TOMORROW IS MONDAY is in full swing. We have ingested Costco pizza for dinner. B. is doing homework in the livingroom - homework which was never mentioned and we had no idea he had to do. And I can't be upset with him for that 'cuz I HAVE A GIANT BOX AND TOTE BAG FULL of stuff I was going to do for work - and in fact one thing that I REALLY HAVE TO DO for Monday. But here I am - blogging instead. I will get up really early and work on it before I leave the house or leave pre-dawn for work and work there.

I remind myself that we all need downtime. We need to give ourselves permission to 'DO NOTHING' - and that's pretty much what we did all weekend. And thankfully, we only have three weeks of work and school before we get SEVENTEEN days off for Christmas. And I have a lot of 'plans' for that time off as well. And undoubtedly, that time will fly by also and there will be another evening where I realize that I didn't accomplish what I planned to/wanted to/needed to. And I'm fine with that. I embrace my 'slothness'. I'm good at it and sometimes, I just need it.

Work

I was in the corporate world for 20+ years and was with my last company for 12 years. When I left my last corporate job, I couldn't bring myself to go back to that world - to working my heart out so someone else (the CEO or whomever) would be able to buy an island in the Bahamas off the profits made from stock while the company crumbled around the peons that did all the work. Been there, done that. (And a major 'high up' person in the company I worked for DID buy an island and leave the continental US shortly after reassuring the senior 'middle managers' [me included] that all was well and we would weather our current storm). Pictures of the island available on request.

Anyway, I now work for a college. And life is so much more satisfying. Still frustrations at times. People can be jerks sometimes no matter what 'type' of place you work at. But for the most part, my days are spent working really hard for not a lot of money with people who are without a doubt the most dedicated, goal oriented and driven folks I've ever met. Everyone is there because they love what they do. Most have been in education their entire careers. Teachers who have moved into administration. Students who have returned to teach. Support staff who've been there since the school opened. And a few like me - looking for something different.

Committee driven. Union environment. Nothing is done without a whole lot of discussion and time spent debating every little thing. Hard to get used to. Sometimes long for the day when a decision would be made and people were told to do it - and it got done. Decisions at the school still get made - but the process takes a lot longer.

Still, I love what I do and how I spend my days now. With the exception of the morning commute, it's a dream job. When I walk from my car to my office every morning, I say good morning to the birds happily residing in the many trees. Or hello to the bunnies living in the shrubs all over campus. I remind the bunnies that if Stan (the head groundskeeper) finds them eating his petunias, they're going to end up in stew by evening. (Stan would NEVER do that - but I warn the bunnies anyway 'cuz eating the flowers is not something Stan would approve of - though I'm secretly happy that they are treating themselves to what are obviously delicious blossoms). When I walk around the campus for business or pleasure, I enjoy the rolling hills with cows and vineyards. The open space. The incredible beauty of the surroundings is such a stark contrast to the miles of cement and buildings where I spent so much of my corporate time. It's good for my soul to be in a place that seems miles away from the city (though it's just down the hill). Walking is a treat - there are 'secret' paths that make you feel like you're in the country, far far away from your 'normal' life.

It's a happy place to be, with fun people. It's a joy, really. And I never would have thought I'd ever say that about going to work everyday. But I do - 'cuz it is. Pure joy.

Sundays

We have started attending a Lutheran church in our city. Recommended by friends. We all enjoy it. A contemporary service with upbeat, sing-along-able Christian music. Communion every other week (which we don't participate in 'cuz we aren't officially members of the church, yet). The boys enjoy it and attend service with us.

I like that the boys 'need' faith and are seeking it out. They suggested we start attending - they have attended with their friends on Sundays after sleepovers. The church is very welcoming and we feel very lucky to have found it. It is traditional without being stifling or stuffy. I don't feel compelled to wear a dress. I do 'dress up' a bit - but the boys wear what they choose - jeans and collared shirts are completely fine and they fit right in with all the other kids in attendance. Jim doesn't have to (nor does he) wear a tie. It's comfortable. And not too, too long. The service itself last just slightly over an hour. Like a Catholic mass. Short and sweet. We enjoy the sermons and both Jim and I have commented to each other how we listen and we 'get it'. Not like when you're a kid and going and you can't really understand it - possibly 'cuz you don't have a lot of life experience to relate the preaching to. But now, we listen and we get it. And we always leave feeling a bit more 'connected' to life and each other and faith.

We haven't been lately since we've been out of town so much after Dad's death. But we're all hoping to go this weekend - we're looking forward to it, even. Personally, I think the kids are most looking forward to the donuts and mochas after the service in the social hall. But I think they also look forward to some quiet time to contemplate God and life and faith. And I look forward to all four of us at the same place at the same time, which doesn't happen a lot lately.

Christmas

I'll start this post with I LOVE CHRISTMAS. LOVE IT. Love it even more now that I work at a school where we get a LOT of days off as 'closure days' - they don't count against our vacation. The campus is closed, so we're off those days. So I enjoy the week between Christmas and New Years off. Love that A LOT!

Yesterday, I tossed the Toys 'R Us ad into the recycle bin without even glancing at it. A milestone of sorts. Acknowledging that there isn't a single thing in that ad which would even remotely interest either of my kids. They are WAY past the TrU phase of their lives. Best Buy? Yes. Big 5? Probably. Target? Possibly, if it's in electronics. Their wants this year are BIG and expensive. No longer can I fill up under the tree with lots of smaller fun toys. Now, their toys are snowboards, drum sets, ski clothes, ski passes, MP3 players, etc. I long for the days when bunches of $20 toys would fill up the tree and keep them playing for hours. Now, the gifts are so big and pricey - so there's not much actually under the tree - mainly 'cuz it won't fit there. I am resorting to the old standbys of buying them socks and underwear and any other 'basic' items I can think of that they need - something to put under the tree that costs less than $200.

I know they won't be disappointed. They understand that their growing up to really expensive presents means one big present/year. That's it. They know to choose carefully 'cuz their 'wish list' of numerous expensive things won't be filled. Some will need to be carried over for Birthdays...or to ask relatives who inquire to send $$ towards a specific item. Still, I can't not have a lot under the tree. Christmas morning has to be BIG - a shock between how the tree looked when they went to bed and how it looks when they wake up. That's Christmas. But every year, it get's harder to get that 'wow' factor - and this year will be no exception.

We have a great Christmas full of great traditions. Watching 'The Santa Clause' on Christmas eve after we've driven around looking at lights. Hot cocoa made from 'scratch' - with cocoa powder, sugar, milk - warmed and whipped on the stove. Bed as early as we can get them there. Waking up at the crack of dawn. It's always lots of fun. I just hope they aren't disappointed with the few big things under the tree. My mom always made Christmas 'magical' for me and my sister and I do the same for my kids. It's just getting harder as they get older to amaze them. But we'll try. This year, we're planning a surprise week in Disneyland the week before Christmas - and a BIG surprise will be Aunt P. and Uncle F. meeting us in the park from Arizona. That will be a 'wow' for sure. The kids have no idea (so far) and though they'll figure it out as soon as we head south on I5, they won't know about P & F until we run into them at the surfboard in California Adventure. That's a big Christmas surprise! for sure.

Hope I can come up with more 'wow' before the big day. Wish me luck.

Hope

Hadn't heard from my sister K. after our conversation last week. Her husband arrived home during our conversation and she was going to tell him that she was moving out. I didn't hear anything - so sort of got my hopes up that he realized that he couldn't live without her and didn't want her to leave. He can (live without her) and does (want her to leave), apparently, since she is moving. An email today confirmed that she is officially moving out tomorrow into her new small, light-filled apartment. Movers come tomorrow. My niece arrives from Arizona on Thursday to help w/ paring down clothes, etc.

So, it is happening. And I am trying hard to be OK about it - for both of them. Thankfully, K. insists that choosing sides is not required. I love my brother-in-law like a brother - am possibly somewhat (though admittedly not very) closer to him than I am to my own actual brother...so not having him as family anymore is a strange concept. Maybe this 'split' will still result in everyone being friendly, if not friends. Hope so, for everyone's sake.

I'd love to get on a plane and go be there for her - but am saving my vacation time for 2 weeks in Hawaii in June. And anyway, if I were off work again, my boss is going to have a coronary (and he's a really nice guy and I don't want him to die). :-) I've been gone a lot lately - so need to stay and work. But wish I could be in two places at once so I could help K. We had such a great time in Florida and I'm sure moving her into her new space would be fun, in a sad, strange sort of way.

K., I'm with you in spirit. Thinking about you constantly. Hoping that what is happening to your marriage isn't what will happen to mine when the kids are grown and gone. But what's happening to you makes it all to obvious that it can happen to anyone. People do fall out of love - they really do. J., I know you're reading this - and I do love you and plan to be with you for the REST OF MY LIFE...so don't go getting any ideas, OK?

Endings

Yesterday, we pretty much finished cleaning out Dad's house. A huge garage sale was held - lookey-loo's turned up at 6:30 AM. The crowds came in waves and when it was hectic, it was hectic. Took all of us, kids included, to keep up with who's buying what, who's paid for what, etc. It was a fun morning. And around noonish, the crowds had slowed and it was time to start deciding what to donate and what to toss into the gigantic dumpster that has been sitting in front of the house for two weeks waiting for this 'clean out' process.

It felt horrible to toss so much. So many things that meant something to J's folks. But it had to be done. Some stuff is just 'to be tossed'. No reason to donate or keep. So we plowed through. Took two vans and a truckload full of stuff to the Goodwill. Tossed the rest. Then frantically went back through the house and realized how much there still was to go through. Drapes down and tossed (Dad smoked like a fiend and they reaked). Linens that weren't laundered before we sold the washer and dryer (first thing in the AM), so they were tossed as well. It was starting to be too hard.

By the end of the day, our van and car both loaded to the gills with remaining 'stuff', we headed home. Me, choked up in J's car, alone (getting about an hour head start down the road) and wishing I wasn't alone. J. and the boys in the van behind me. J. called as they were pulling onto the freeway to say they were all 3 crying. He was fine until he heard the sniffles in the backseats and turned around to see both boys crying their eyes out - and then he couldn't stop his tears, either. I felt choked up and sad pretty much the entire drive. Realizing that someday, my boys will be doing the same thing to our house - wrestling with what to keep and what to toss. Feeling guilty about not keeping all of it - yet realizing that keeping all of it is impossible. Everything comes to an end, someday. As hard and sad as that is, it is. Can't stop it - can't avoid it. Just have to deal with it. I wish the boys didn't have to know this so early in their lives - but in some way, I'm glad they do. Hopefully, helping with their grandparent's house will make going through our house easier someday. Seeing Jim and his brother make hard decisions about what to do with stuff will help them know that it is hard, it is supposed to be hard, and it's OK. Just do what you can and get it done. And seeing us not be attached to all these objects will help them keep only those things that really, really mean something to them. And remind them that the memories are what matter. The stuff is just stuff.

Some other family is going to buy that house and raise a family in it. It is a wonderful place for a family. The yard is GIGANTIC, the home beautiful. Hardwood floors throughout. It needs updating - but it will be a fun house for a young family with time and know-how to make their own. I told the boys that someday, we'll stop by again and tell the new owners this was our grandparent's home - and maybe they'll invite us in to see it. It will never be the same - but change is the only real constant in life, anyway. So learning that earlier in their life rather than later is an OK thing.

We know you're enjoying the dance, Mom and Dad. And we trust that you know we are doing the best we can. Somedays are still hard - and the endings that are still there for us to deal with are and will be hard. But we'll deal. We comfort each other and hold onto memories - and move forward. It's the best we can do.

Shock

Yesterday, I heard from my sister K. who I mentioned in an earlier post. We are keeping our promise to stay in touch. So at work yesterday, I checked my home email briefly (very briefly, if my boss ever reads this blog). A note from K. said 'Hi - are you there'? So I wrote her back that I was. About 15 minutes later, another email from Kath - this one containing a draft of an email she said she would be sending out shortly. In this email, she explained that she and her hubby had been having a difficult time for some time - and had decided to divorce. I couldn't believe it. Still can't really fathom it. When I first read that sentence, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I had to go back to the note she wrote before the draft - to be sure the email I was reading was from her. I sat at my desk shaking - because honestly, I just can't believe it. K. and her husband M. have been married since I was TWELVE YEARS OLD - 33 years. They were married in the livingroom of our house by an Arizona Supreme Court judge who is still a family friend. Their marriage ending is like some natural disaster in my head that I just can't get my psyche around. K. insists she is fine. She is moving out of their home this week into a tiny apartment. She says 'he says he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be married anymore. He's very unhappy and I want him to be OK'. So she's moving on. Just like that. Though she said it's been coming for 3+ years. I asked her 'why didn't you say anything in Florida'. She said 'because nothing had been decided. We've been to therapy, he's being treated for depression - but he's not happy. So I'm done'.

It's sad. They were so incredibly in love. I mean really, really in love. Every morning for most of their married life, M. would make her a 'card' that he'd tape to her coffee mug. Little pictures and sayings - everyday for every occasion. K. has all of them in scrapbooks. Little works of art (M. is an artist) that show how much he loved her. EVERY DAY - without fail. Years and years of these tokens. When I asked her in Florida if he still did that, she said 'no'. And I teased her 'well that's it then, the bloom is definitely off the marriage'. Just joking. And she laughed. I had no idea....

Dad

My father-in-law died a couple weeks ago. We had a memorial service for him last weekend in Visalia, where he raised three kids. Let me tell you about Dad.

First, calling him Dad was always special to me. I was only 6 when my own dad died and my mom never remarried. I don't remember ever having anyone to call 'Dad'. So when I married, I asked my in-laws if it was OK to just call them Mom and Dad. It was. I think it bugged my mom a bit - how easy it was for me to call another woman 'Mom'. But calling my f-i-l Dad was so important to me -

Dad was a southern gentleman through and through. From Kentucky. Military man who retired as a Major and then worked for Tulare county and retired from there. His post-retirement job was caring for C., his wife. She had polio and was in a wheelchair. He attended to her every need. Devotedly and unfailingly every day for 40+ years. They were the ultimate example of 'in sickness and in health'. Caring for her was like breathing to him. It was what he did, who he was and what made him whole. When she died 5 years ago (5 months after my mom died), it left a hole in his soul that couldn't be filled - not by grandkids, or kids, or visits, or phonecalls. He missed her so much.

J. is a lot like his dad, I think. Few words. Thrifty (which is not the same as cheap). Loving and caring in a quiet, constant way. Proud. A true gentleman. J. gave a moving tribute to his dad during the service and it was so wonderful. We picture them as they are in a picture that hung on the wall by the kitchen - dancing cheek to cheek, madly in love, before Polio. So happy. A family favorite, that picture.

We miss you, Dad. Your grandsons miss you terribly - but they know you are with Mom in heaven dancing, and it helps.