Not Exactly as Planned

J. had a ticket to see Tom Petty on Friday evening in downtown Sacramento.  He purchased the ticket in June and I immediately made a reservation at Thunder Valley for us to spend the night up there.  I had to pay for one night's stay and then hope/pray they would allow it to be comped - waiting for the August 'offers' to be cycled - and yes, it was eventually comped.

I left work around 1PM on Friday and we were ready to pull out of the driveway at 2PM - pausing in the car to (finally!) sync my phone to J.'s car so I/we could listen to my tunes as well as his on the way up.  The 1.5 hour drive took 2.5 hours with the usual Friday traffic.  Thank goodness we left early because I can't imagine how bad it would have been if I'd left work at 2 or 3.

We checked in and got to our room - I hears J.'s cell phone ring.  He exited the bathroom and I commented 'we'd better go get dinner before you need to leave' and he replied 'we can get dinner anytime you want'.  Cryptic.  It bugs me when he does this....but he finally said 'the show's been cancelled - I just got a call and a text'.

And it turns out he received an email at 2:01PM notifying him of the cancellation - when we were syncing my phone.  If we'd received the email, I would have still headed up - because cancelling a comped room less than 24 hours in advance results in a full charge of the room - $550 on a Friday night - but we didn't.

It worked out fine - we had a nice dinner and J. enjoyed time with his politics and a 75" flat screen TV while I played a bit.  And him not being at the concert kept me playing 'lightly' - so I didn't lose every dime I had - even though he said 'go do whatever you want', I still felt like I should be back in the room with him.

He had told our kennel lady we planned to pick up Chloe around 3PM on Saturday and she said nothing at that time - and we received a text on Saturday afternoon confirming her pick up time for Saturday was 8AM to 11AM ONLY - thus requiring me to get up pretty much like it was a work day so we could get to Ripon in time.  That was also probably a really good thing because I had little time to play the next morning.  I am irritated at her but we just cancelled a two week stay ($300+ out of her pocket) so she's likely irritated with us, too.  Glad we have a backup in Livermore -

Chloe was picked up, came home and slept for four hours.  She was exhausted!  I actually also took a nap - as I drifted off, I said 'I'll just close my eyes for a few minutes'.  THREE HOURS LATER, I woke up - and was worried I wouldn't sleep at all last night, but I slept great.  I think I needed a catch-up sleep myself!

We're spent a leisurely Sunday watching The Paper Chase and Star Trek: Saving Spock.  I've been doing a little bit of tidying around the desk area.  We are awaiting confirmation from 'the kids' of our plans to remove a bunch of stuff from our garage and get it to their apartment.  We figure with three cars to do the transport, we can make good progress....but as usual, getting any kind of confirmed anything from the two of them is next to impossible.  I'm not holding my breath.

I've made steady progress on year-end and feel in decent shape for the week ahead.  Still a lot to explain - but I've got time and can always put in a day over the Labor Day weekend if needed.

We're praying for all the people affected by the hurricane in Texas.  And for our country who is being managed by a despicable person who has no business being The President.  The divide in our country is appalling and shocking - I feel naive about so many things - witnessing so much hate lately.   I can't imagine that he will be in this role for his full term?  Because really?  How can we allow that to be?

Like a lot of people, I feel sad and disillusioned and powerless.  But I'm also getting more and more pissed off.  And so are a lot of other people.

We deserve better, America.

First Puppacino

One of my greatest stressors lately - in a life that has plenty at the moment; work, H., etc. - has been that we planned a trip to Europe in October without confirming first with our kennel.  Unluckily, our kennel is closed the last few days of our trip.

If H. were able to drive and lived at home, it would be no big deal.  He'd go get her and bring her home and he'd dog sit for a few days.  We'd even pay him the same daily rate since she is a dog and by definition, not low maintenance.  She's also diabetic and has insulin injections a couple times a day so compensating him seems fair.

Except he doesn't live at home and he can't drive.  He would be at R.'s mercy and lately?  That's about as reliable as...I can't think of a metaphor but she's not reliable.  At all.  Ever.  The fretting and worrying about what we were going to do has been heavy on my mind lately.  H. has sworn he would be able to take care of it - and if I could rely on just factoring in him and him only, I think we could leave with relative confidence.  But he has no way to get to Ripon and back home that's guaranteed and I just can't risk it.  I don't want to create any stress for our kennel owner who is an amazing person and has been so kind to us.  She watched Chloe during H.'s entire hospital stay in 2014 and wouldn't take a dime from us for it.  She said 'from one cancer survivor to another'.  Bless her heart.

On the subject of blessings, I've got a couple super dear friends at work who said they would take care of Chloe - and one of those people is someone who hasn't always been someone I would consider a friend so that's really saying something.  But I really don't like to impose on people and that plan still involved them assisting in getting H. and the dog here - and I picture H. keeping them waiting at the apartment forever.

J. mentioned to his best friend R. (the guy we jokingly refer to as 'J.'s other wife' because they do things together all the time - the two of them are concert junkies and the wives are happy with that arrangement because they like to go to shows a lot and we'd rather not.  It's a win-win) that we had an issue with the timing of our kennel in October and he mentioned that they take their dog Patches to a home in Livermore.  Two vet techs.  They only take small dogs.  In home care - not a licensed kennel.
We took Chloe to Livermore for a meet and greet and she was a happy puppy.  There were three other dachshunds there this weekend and Chloe fit right in.  The couple are two older women and their home is tucked away right behind Livermore high school.  I think it's about an acre - plenty of land and room.  They've got everything double fenced and have chickens, a huge koi pond and foster feral kittens for adoption.  Really nice people and the lady D. said 'I know within the first 30 seconds if it's going to work out or not' and then 'Chloe is going to be very happy here'.  Whew!  I felt like I did the one time I tried to join a sorority - I didn't get in which was probably a blessing - but glad we 'passed' the meet and greet.

Chloe did her usual super whining the whole way there but was pretty calm on the way back - with a big smile on her face. We stopped at the Starbucks coming back in to Tracy and treated her to her first Puppacino - whip cream in a cup.

I think we're going to try to go for a drive more often.  It's late in her life for this but maybe we could get her more used to the car - she seemed super fine once she realized no needles would be involved. No pokes or sticks or anything else.  Just out with her family for an afternoon drive.

We're set for our vacation in October and I'm super relieved.  Haven't told H. yet - haven't seen him today but might later - and I know he might be disappointed but oh well.  I just can't risk it.

H. texted J. at 11:30PM last night asking if he had any money in his checking account or savings. Um...we have no idea because your account is no longer linked to ours....and by the way, you haven't had a savings account in forever.  Something was 'wrong' with R.'s account and they appeared to be 'stuck' somewhere.  J. went back to bed.

Small victories.  Love our son but we're moving past the constant drama.  There will be hard lessons for him to learn but oh well.  It's life.  Time to deal.  Choices and decisions have consequences.

Hello, August!

I can't believe it is August 17th.  Holy crap...where does the time go?  I've had so many planned posts....and the days just whiz by.

August 1st was the 15th anniversary of my career change to education.  I started at Las Positas College on August 1st, 2002 - and haven't looked back since.  I've loved every minute - well, there've been some minutes that weren't so great - but I love working super hard for the benefit of kids vs. a corporate bottom line.

At our annual Welcome Back Breakfast, I received my 10 year service pin from my current district. It should really be my 10.5 year service pin since I started in January, 2007, but the process is to award pins each year at the breakfast.  Ten years.  Long time in any job.  A lifetime in my job.  The days blur together and I'm happy to be there but wow.  It feels like a long time in one job lately.

Drama has become the norm with H. - and we're working hard at trying to step off the constant cycle of feeling compelled to check in with him.  He frequently doesn't respond to us - and while he implies it's related to her controlling nature and having his phone, lately I wonder.  He was here one night this week - repeatedly said he was staying the night - and after I arranged to be off part of an afternoon to spend time with him and called J. to tell him I'd be home early - J. told me 'he's not here.  He left sometime in the night'.

I called H. the next morning from my office - me crying - not a great thing - and told him 'H., that decision - the decision to leave with her after you told me repeatedly you were going to be here the next day and I would see you - that was all you.  She had nothing to do with it.  It was you.  You decided to leave knowing that I was counting on you to be here - looking forward to seeing you the next day'.  He says nothing.  Wait...that's not true.  He was whispering on the phone (so she wouldn't hear) that 'we had a huge fight and I'll talk to you about it when I see you tomorrow - I'll be back tomorrow'.  It's tomorrow - and he's not here.  No contact today.

It's hard to be worried sick about him constantly...from so many perspectives....his emotional well being and his missed appointments which have left him (again) without a counselor.  A psychiatrist who is prescribing medications for him and insisting he go to counseling - and he is precarious about appointments with her, too.  His general health - his weight issues and stomach issues that are constant.  Hard to cope with all those worries while dealing with extremely limited contact with him because he's in a controlling relationship with someone who appears to believe that her control of him is what the relationship is supposed to be.

It's sad that she's alienated his parents 'cuz we might have been more supportive than any of her family - but we'll never know.

I happened to catch an episode of the show "Bull" .  The main character is a psychotherapist who works on jury selection.  The episode was about a relationship between a female teacher and a male student.  Bull ends up meeting up with the couple at a restaurant - very 'wrong' from a legal perspective - but he talks to the teacher.  He points out that she has no 'balcony people' - no people in her life that root for her; are her biggest fans; support her no matter what.  And that she was removing all the balcony people from her boyfriend's life - primarily his parents.  It is the same scenario playing out in our real life - a needy, insecure woman using her relationship with a younger, emotionally fragile young man to shore up her self esteem while she simultaneously shatters his relationships with his family and friends.  The boyfriend is heartbroken and Bull tells the 'boy'/man 'you wouldn't have been enough.  Her husband wasn't enough.  Her job wasn't enough.  There will never be anything that's enough for her'.

Real life moments happening in our family that are very similar.  I can't pretend that I am 'for' this relationship - I'm not.  I don't trust her.  I don't like her.  She's DONE things that have led to those feelings - specific things that she has neither apologized for nor taken any responsibility for - and whatever I've done as a parent that might be considered a fail (and there are plenty, I'm sure), I've never been a mom that can 'pretend' with my kids.  I am up front and honest and real 24/7.  If I'm pissed, you'll know it - and if you are the cause of me being pissed, you'll know that too.  And the easiest way to solve it is to make it right - own what you did, make amends and we'll all move on. She's not doing that - and she appears to be convincing H. that not having any thing to do with us is the best approach.

I am heartbroken one minute and fricking pissed the next.  Back and forth all day - it's exhausting. Absolutely exhausting.

I am afraid for H. a lot of the time - afraid of what his future will be if he stays in this relationship.   He isn't taking care of himself and she isn't making taking care of him a priority - she's got her two kids to worry about and all the logistics of being a 50% custody parent with custody changing every three to four days in two different towns. Her life is complex on it's own and I understand that she's got a lot of things to work through for herself....much less making sure a 24 year old gets to/from where he needs or wants to be.

I wish I could just chalk it up to transportation issues - I wish it was as simple as 'it will get better when he's able to drive again someday' - but I'm not sure that's true.  I don't think it will ever be 'better'.

Moving to Reno seems like a really good plan - and I am keeping my eyes open for possible jobs 'cuz maybe we could move sooner vs. later.

Blooms!

For months, there's been a super tall plant near the hose connection in the backyard.  It's at least 3 feet high and it's grown from a very small start.  We've been debating about it for weeks.  It's a weed. Maybe it's not.

J. was convinced it was a weed - he had me so convinced that last week, I tried to yank it out - but I couldn't budge it.  Added 'soak ground near weed and pull out' to my long list of things I should be doing when I'm on Facebook or other websites avoiding the list of all the things I should do.

Saturday, on one of the many trips outside with our dogirini, he sent me this.

This small space was between the shrub (on the left) and the compost bin - which was on the right until we removed it.  It was specifically selected for that space because it grows tall and narrow!

It's really super pretty and I'm so glad it didn't budge when I tried to yank it out of the ground.

Winter is Coming

Up early this morning and it's approaching 6AM and it's still super dark outside.  Winter is close. Hard enough to get up early on days when the sun is out - watching the sunrise is one of the best parts of an early morning.  But already, it's just dark.  

The sun will arrive shortly - guaranteed.

J. and I enjoyed a sublime, lazy weekend.  We didn't really do much and it was lovely.  We did do a lot of planning for London and he's busily sketching out our daily itinerary and trying to get the most value out of our London pass.  I'm realizing that there's no way to travel all that distance and not plan. Too many things to do and see and putting careful thought into how to structure our days is a part of taking a trip like that.  We're getting excited - a few months away but it will be here before we know it.  Planning for Paris will be in process soon as well. 

H. had planned to come over on Saturday but car troubles cancelled the visit.  He had planned to come over yesterday as well but that also didn't happen.  I fret about it but then I let it go 'cuz it is what it is - and the two of them are pretty much the definition of 'count on nothing and be pleasantly surprised'.  Guess R. is going to start looking for a new car 'cuz hers has had a lot of issues lately.  

We happen to have a car that we're prepping for sale but it's not nearly big enough for 2 adults and 2 teens.  Yep, we're selling the Focus.  We're going to proceed with getting the damage repaired from the last accident and then put her up for sale.  No point in keeping her because when H. can finally drive?  He won't be able to afford anything but liability coverage on whatever he drives.  And that won't be a fairly new, good condition sedan in our name. 

A house in our neighborhood sold for close to $600K - smaller than ours!  That's a very great thing and makes me wish we were ready to list.  I looked at the pics online and marveled at how tidy everything was - not a single thing on any counter in any room.  Holy crap, we are so far from that here.  I am overwhelmed with where to start - and once I've started, it's just so hard to literally toss stuff in the trash.  I have no idea how to begin decluttering 17 years of stuff - and two of the people who's stuff needs culling don't live here anymore.  

I've got time.  It's not happening tomorrow by any stretch of the imagination.  

I'm heading to Reno for one night this coming weekend - a player appreciation event with a free play offer that makes it worth driving up.  It may be the quickest turnaround ever - but it will be fun.  My last jaunt north for awhile as year-end is here and it's time to close the books on another fiscal year.

There's a little light outside and a jay is 'clucking' to her kids....so the day is officially beginning.  

Direction? Totally Unknown -

I sit here pondering the time I had with H. on Saturday - and fret and worry over every part of the conversation.

What if he was just trying to see how I felt?  And trying to gauge 'will they ever accept her'?  And if he thinks we won't, will he decide 'her' over 'them'?  I honestly don't think he would - he stated he's already told her that will never happen - but still.  What if?

I did my best to emphatically confirm that ultimately, we want him to be happy - so if she makes him happy, then it's all good - but when I ask if he is happy and he says 'yes', I'm just not convinced.

I can totally see him hoping I would say 'it's water under the bridge' and 'I've already moved past it all'....but I just can't bring myself to do that.

I don't ever think there will be an easy, friendly, sincere relationship with her given the things that have happened lately - as hard as I might try, I just don't see it.

All this pondering as I enter into a super busy, hard week.  Sites are back this week - another school year is starting.  Geez, the time goes by so quickly - which is a good thing....and I love that about the job most of all.  It's just so overwhelming as another year crashes over the landscape...though I know all the things that will happen in the next few weeks like the back of my hand, it still feels very overwhelming.

I feel so tired.  And I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with sleep.

Sundays are Posting Days

I had reservations in Reno for last night - a player appreciation event was enticing me to head up for the day yesterday.  But I also had a counseling appointment at 8:30AM in Hayward yesterday and I wasn't really looking forward to a long drive north.  It's fun and I love it - but I also love being home these days - with J. enjoying the quiet of a home with no kids.

I made arrangements to meet H. at the house yesterday because I wanted us to go to the bank and remove my name from his checking account.  Yes, there was a reason for that decision - seeing that R. had written two $300 checks on consecutive days which were deposited and then immediately withdrawn as cash sent my mind reeling into all kinds of unpleasant scenarios.  My thought was the only reason the bank is allowing that to happen - a check deposited with an immediate withdrawal - is because H.'s account is linked to our accounts.  No, he can't see any of our accounts - or access them in any way.  But the 'link' that is created means the bank assumes I would be also responsible for any insufficient funds situation that might occur - and I don't want that to be the case anymore.  H. texted around 11:30 that he wasn't feeling well.  Our backup plan was that I would go to the bank alone to close the account - because both parties have to be there to remove one of the names on an account but either party can close the account on their own.  I gave in and said 'how about I come to you around 4PM and we'll head to the Manteca branch and take care of it and then I'll bring you back 'home'.

I had the foresight to make an appointment online - and that turned out to be a very good thing because there were quite a few people waiting for a banker - and once they knew we had an appointment, we were helped immediately.  Thankfully, I also thought to grab H.'s passport before I left the house - because he has no current driver's license and he and R. haven't taken the time to get to the DMV and get him and identification card of some kind.

We were in and out of the bank in about 10 minutes - and had a little time before our appointment time and also after to spend some time talking.

H. seems to understand that R.'s actions towards us lately have been suspicious and inappropriate. He sees that things she's done and continues to do are showing a pretty extreme  level of 'control' towards him - and he agrees that her actions are inappropriate.  He was pretty direct with me - that he's told her 'if you can't figure out how to make things right with my parents, then we won't have a relationship because they are my parents and I'm not going to not be in contact with them'.  I asked him 'is she suggesting that you shouldn't be in contact?  Because sometimes, that's how it feels - that she's literally holding you hostage; possibly deleting communications so you don't know that we've reached out to you. (She hasn't done that particular action that we know of? but I wouldn't put it past her based on things she has done).  And we sure won't be reaching out to you much at the moment because we're at the point where we're not actually sure who's responding to us - so that's a problem.' He says she's not really suggesting 'no contact'?  But she also doesn't really think that the most recent issue which occurred is any big deal.  I paused carefully and said 'someone who feels the need to control someone else to that degree is a pretty big deal, H. .  Her behavior is not normal by any stretch of any parameters...and I just want to be sure you are aware of that.'  She also doesn't feel that we're supportive of him - and I asked him 'be specific.  In what way does she feel we aren't supporting you'?  He wasn't really able to answer but it appears to be because we are asserting that what she did this week is inexcusable and wrong on more levels than we should ever have to explain to the person who did it.

I told him that we will ALWAYS be supportive of him - however, we won't be supportive of someone in his life who is demonstrating an inability to take responsibility for the actions that have led to us having no interest in dealing with her.

H. said she intends to apologize - but he wants her to do that in person - and (his words) 'she doesn't make being in person a priority'.  A recent example of that:  when she dropped off her kids at her ex's place (very near my office), H. phoned - he was at the Starbucks 1/2 mile from our house - but they didn't stop by.  When we talked yesterday, I told him 'that pretty much broke my heart' and he said 'it broke mine, too'.  He said she had a list of things and places to go and do and she didn't want to stop by.  I said 'seriously, H.?  She had you wait for her at Starbucks instead of taking a few extra minutes for you to say Hi to your parents?  We haven't seen you in a week - and the last time we saw you, you were a wreck about a disagreement with her'.  He agreed.

So it's all a little uncertain and drama filled - but I feel better having talked to H. because he absolutely does seem clear - he acknowledges things are not going great and he also confirmed numerous times that he has absolutely no intention of continuing a relationship with her if she continues to do the things she's done and be how she's been about contact with his parents.  Period. End of story.

Then I flashback to last weekend when he was an absolute wreck at the thought of not being with her.
I reminded him that we'd like all her stuff out of the garage and house by the end of August.  And I said 'and you'll be packing up your stuff, too, right'?  He said 'why?  I don't need to'.  When I asked 'will you still be able to help us in October when we need someone here to be with Chloe for a few days (because the kennel owner is taking a vacation at the same time we are), he said 'absolutely!  I can't wait to be home'.

This is still home.  With her is 'with her' but not living with her.  Though we don't see him for weeks at a time but oh well.

This is still home to him.  And I'm OK with his transient, nomadic existence for now.