Thursday, August 17, 2017

Hello, August!

I can't believe it is August 17th.  Holy crap...where does the time go?  I've had so many planned posts....and the days just whiz by.

August 1st was the 15th anniversary of my career change to education.  I started at Las Positas College on August 1st, 2002 - and haven't looked back since.  I've loved every minute - well, there've been some minutes that weren't so great - but I love working super hard for the benefit of kids vs. a corporate bottom line.

At our annual Welcome Back Breakfast, I received my 10 year service pin from my current district. It should really be my 10.5 year service pin since I started in January, 2007, but the process is to award pins each year at the breakfast.  Ten years.  Long time in any job.  A lifetime in my job.  The days blur together and I'm happy to be there but wow.  It feels like a long time in one job lately.

Drama has become the norm with H. - and we're working hard at trying to step off the constant cycle of feeling compelled to check in with him.  He frequently doesn't respond to us - and while he implies it's related to her controlling nature and having his phone, lately I wonder.  He was here one night this week - repeatedly said he was staying the night - and after I arranged to be off part of an afternoon to spend time with him and called J. to tell him I'd be home early - J. told me 'he's not here.  He left sometime in the night'.

I called H. the next morning from my office - me crying - not a great thing - and told him 'H., that decision - the decision to leave with her after you told me repeatedly you were going to be here the next day and I would see you - that was all you.  She had nothing to do with it.  It was you.  You decided to leave knowing that I was counting on you to be here - looking forward to seeing you the next day'.  He says nothing.  Wait...that's not true.  He was whispering on the phone (so she wouldn't hear) that 'we had a huge fight and I'll talk to you about it when I see you tomorrow - I'll be back tomorrow'.  It's tomorrow - and he's not here.  No contact today.

It's hard to be worried sick about him constantly...from so many perspectives....his emotional well being and his missed appointments which have left him (again) without a counselor.  A psychiatrist who is prescribing medications for him and insisting he go to counseling - and he is precarious about appointments with her, too.  His general health - his weight issues and stomach issues that are constant.  Hard to cope with all those worries while dealing with extremely limited contact with him because he's in a controlling relationship with someone who appears to believe that her control of him is what the relationship is supposed to be.

It's sad that she's alienated his parents 'cuz we might have been more supportive than any of her family - but we'll never know.

I happened to catch an episode of the show "Bull" .  The main character is a psychotherapist who works on jury selection.  The episode was about a relationship between a female teacher and a male student.  Bull ends up meeting up with the couple at a restaurant - very 'wrong' from a legal perspective - but he talks to the teacher.  He points out that she has no 'balcony people' - no people in her life that root for her; are her biggest fans; support her no matter what.  And that she was removing all the balcony people from her boyfriend's life - primarily his parents.  It is the same scenario playing out in our real life - a needy, insecure woman using her relationship with a younger, emotionally fragile young man to shore up her self esteem while she simultaneously shatters his relationships with his family and friends.  The boyfriend is heartbroken and Bull tells the 'boy'/man 'you wouldn't have been enough.  Her husband wasn't enough.  Her job wasn't enough.  There will never be anything that's enough for her'.

Real life moments happening in our family that are very similar.  I can't pretend that I am 'for' this relationship - I'm not.  I don't trust her.  I don't like her.  She's DONE things that have led to those feelings - specific things that she has neither apologized for nor taken any responsibility for - and whatever I've done as a parent that might be considered a fail (and there are plenty, I'm sure), I've never been a mom that can 'pretend' with my kids.  I am up front and honest and real 24/7.  If I'm pissed, you'll know it - and if you are the cause of me being pissed, you'll know that too.  And the easiest way to solve it is to make it right - own what you did, make amends and we'll all move on. She's not doing that - and she appears to be convincing H. that not having any thing to do with us is the best approach.

I am heartbroken one minute and fricking pissed the next.  Back and forth all day - it's exhausting. Absolutely exhausting.

I am afraid for H. a lot of the time - afraid of what his future will be if he stays in this relationship.   He isn't taking care of himself and she isn't making taking care of him a priority - she's got her two kids to worry about and all the logistics of being a 50% custody parent with custody changing every three to four days in two different towns. Her life is complex on it's own and I understand that she's got a lot of things to work through for herself....much less making sure a 24 year old gets to/from where he needs or wants to be.

I wish I could just chalk it up to transportation issues - I wish it was as simple as 'it will get better when he's able to drive again someday' - but I'm not sure that's true.  I don't think it will ever be 'better'.

Moving to Reno seems like a really good plan - and I am keeping my eyes open for possible jobs 'cuz maybe we could move sooner vs. later.

No comments:

March

I'm starting to think maybe I will just do a monthly post and call it what it is - whatever month we're in.  Here we are winding dow...