Steps

Baby steps. Teeny tiny baby steps. That's my 'new' fitness routine.

The past few evenings, I've taken the dogs out back and jogged in place. And after I 'warm up' by jogging in place, I jog a bit from the yard to the front gate and back again. Chloe follows me quietly toward the gate and as soon as I make the turn to come back toward the yard, she pauses just a second and then runs full tilt for all she's worth back down the side yard concrete, onto the grass, makes the turn around the tree in the back and heads around again the the yard - still at full speed. We call her torpedo dog - and when she makes the turn to head back towards the yard from the gate, she runs 'in place' for a second or two until her paws catch up with the pavement and traction sets in and she actually starts moving. Like a cartoon. It's so funny. And then she and Dani wrestle in the yard for a bit longer.

I know it's not much. It's not a 'real' work out. But it's something. And I have to start somewhere. It's easy, it's quick, it's amusing (thanks to the dogs) and they smile at me like it's the greatest thing ever. And any movement is better than none. So I'm 'doing it' and hope to be soon jogging around the block. Then around the neighborhood, etc. Step by step. Little by little. It's better than not trying. And as simple as it is, I'm already starting to 'feel' better. It's a slight 'change' but it's there.

Today was a good day at work. Made 'progress' on a huge 'challenge' that has now been removed. So that feels good. AND I received another dose of positive feedback from a different administrator - and that felt really good. She called to say she liked me, liked my style, appreciated the communication and was glad I was there. AND glad that I was making progress on some of my world's challenges. So it was a good day. Still no positive words from my boss - but oh well.

I head up to Yolo county for a CBO class tomorrow. Last time, in March, I drove up the night before - but I didn't sleep much anyway..so I figured I'll sleep here, leave really early (because it should only be about an hour and half drive but any accident in or near Sacramento and it could take twice that) and if I get there in plenty of time, which I probably will, I'll go get a light breakfast somewhere before the class starts. There are a lot of Starbucks between here and Woodland so I'll be OK.

Tomorrow evening is H.'s confirmation banquet. He will be confirmed this Sunday at 11AM and we've been invited to C. and K. (friends of B. & H.) house to celebrate with them after. K. is being confirmed also. It will be a fun day. And, God willing, I will not feel compelled to work this weekend, though I probably should and may end up having to. But I'm going to try not to.

Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite. Eeek! Eeek!

Boug

J. has been steadily working on removing a HUGE bougainvillea from the backyard. We lost it during the winter and waited patiently for any sign of it's return. Sadly, it's gone.

Our pool was planned around that plant. It's the only thing in the yard I told the pool designer I would be very sad to see go. I don't really like bougainvillea. It's prickly - hard to prune and care for because of the extensive thorns. And we had tried two other bougs that never took off - until this one. This one was glorious. Huge and flowering all the time. Just incredibly lush and beautiful with it's bright magenta flowers. Just like the boug my mom had on her patio in her town home. Low maintenance, little water and it bloomed constantly and added so much color and 'pop' to the backyard. So I wanted to be sure that plant stayed. The one boug out of several that finally, FINALLY thrived in our yard. As a reminder of my mom and how much she loved that plant. It was one of her favorites - along with nasturtiums, which we also have in our backyard.

It's down to just the trunk now. It's taken J. a series of weekends to carefully prune it back. He has been stuck through thick leather gloves so many times. And now there's just this giant bare 'hole' in our backyard landscape. The trellis is still there but the boug is gone.

We will plant another one. And another and another until one of them takes off. And next winter, when a freeze warning is issued, I'll take a sheet or two out there and cover it up. To try to avoid losing another one.
And it will make me think of my mom everyday - which I do anyway - but I'll have a daily visual reminder of her which I miss. Even though it is a prickly, sticky mess to care for. Sort of like my mom - a lovely, beautiful, fragile, prickly, sticky 'mess' at times - especially in her later years and the months preceding her death. She was a challenge - and loved beyond words. And missed, so much.

Happy Mother's Day. I miss you, Mom. We all do. I wish you could have seen our home before you died - but then again, I always felt like you had a hand in our ending up here. How everything went so perfectly. Found a builder that accepted contingent offers. Sold our condo in 3 days for more than we asked. Sold to a couple who were living with family in Fremont and didn't need us to move before our house was finished - we rented back from them for a couple months - so no apartment in between. All those amazing things that happened just perfectly to make this home a reality. I know you've 'seen' it, Mom. I just wish you could see it with me. You are never far from our thoughts and on this special day, our memories of you, along with J.'s mom are what the day is all about. For the sake of the two teens to whom I am the mom, I try hard to enjoy the day. But it's hard.

Still, it is pretty great having two teens do ANYTHING to make the day special. It was MY DAY - totally. That doesn't happen very often. And we ended up not sticking to the 'plan'. We slept in, skipped church (I know, G. - but we will be there next week since H. is being confirmed), ate out and ran some errands. And I've been working (on work stuff) in the dining room a good chunk of the afternoon and still have more to work on. I did make some progress so I feel 'good'.

Hugs and love to the two moms watching over us. We miss you very much, today and everyday.

Reappeared

I worked today. The second Saturday in a row. I don't like it - but I have a lot to do. I attended a workshop in Fresno one day this past week. Next week, I have a class in Woodland (north of Sacramento) and another class in Stockton. Those classes will eat up close to 40% of my week - and there's still work that would normally fill those days. So I'm a bit 'swamped' at the moment. I packed a bunch of stuff in my 'travel boxes' and brought it home - plan to get to it tomorrow in between the flurry of Mother's Day activities.

And, today, I found the missing bracelet. I emptied out my purse - turned it upside down and emptied it completely to clean it out and to find my flash drive which always gets lost at the bottom of the bag - and there it was. It must have slipped off my wrist at some point when I was reaching into my purse for a wallet or my phone or something. So I have it back. So much for the sign. Or maybe the 'sign' is working - 'cuz I have to admit that the new job is 'feeling' a bit better lately. I've made some friends - a few - and am learning lots and starting to 'enjoy' it a bit more. I'm still taking it one day at a time and just try to get through each day. Certainly working a zillion hours is challenging, but I'm managing.

I really do think that age is on my side - I really do seem to need a lot less sleep. When I was commuting, I frequently could barely drag myself out of bed by 6:30. Now, I'm up and downstairs most days before 5. Even by 4 some mornings. I don't know where this 'change' is coming from, but I kind of like it. I like the time in the mornings to enjoy a latte and check emails, etc. before getting ready. And I like getting to the office really early before there's anyone there. It's quiet and I get so much done.

The kids only have a few weeks of school left. H. will graduate from 8th grade on June 1st. Hard to believe my 'baby' is turning 14 in two weeks. He will start freshman football on June 4th - every night from 6-8. We'll see if he makes the team. I think this is going to be a lot harder than he thinks - but he's motivated and really wants to play. He runs really fast so that's in his favor.

Tomorrow, we are going to brunch at 8am BEFORE church - to hopefully beat some of the crowd. Then church. Then home. I have requested non-chotsky stuff - no knick knacks, etc. I'd love Starbucks card(s) and a quart of Baskin Robbins Bubble Gum ice cream . That's all I want.

Heading to bed now. Getting up early is a lot harder on weekends, for some reason. But I hope to get a nap tomorrow for sure. I'm going to try for that as an afternoon 'treat'.

Late

I slept in this morning until NINE THIRTY - which given my early risings lately is like some sort of cosmic shift. I did wake up before 5 but I just went back to sleep. Woke to find J. and the boys already gone - J. taking H. to catechism (which ended up being cancelled today) and B. and his friend C. to the golf course. We played hooky from church today. Apologies, God. Just needed a morning at home. Especially since I worked most of yesterday.

I had to run to the pet store yesterday to attempt to find some food for the pets that hasn't been recalled. The cat's food was the first to be recalled - and we watched and waited cautiously to be sure they were OK and so far, they appear to be fine. Then, the dog food we buy at Costco has been recalled. The postcard arrived in the mail this week. So we had to find something else for them to eat. The Costco dog food 'changed' awhile back - the last case we bought didn't have the same 'texture' as before, which we noticed as we were putting it into their bowls. And they noticed, too, since Dani basically went on a 'food strike' for a couple days and refused to eat it. She had just started eating it again when the recall notice arrived. So we are watching her very carefully because she's had a rough year health wise and is still not 100% back yet. But she seems fine and the new food we purchased yesterday was consumed with gusto. It's like she knew something was wrong with that food.

I have REO Speedwagon on the CD player in the family room. Doors and windows open to let in the fresh Spring air, which is warm today. I am plowing through stacks of stuff on my desk while J. runs errands - Costco, picking up B., and also taking H. and his friend K. (the brother of B's friend C.) to the mall to go to the movies with a bunch of friends. The house is quiet. It is nap time but I am trying to resist. I have lots to do (which I say as I'm spending time blogging - oh well).

B.'s band practiced here yesterday afternoon. They stayed for dinner and we had a Cinco de Mayo themed meal: beef taquitos, Mexican rice and nachos. The kids had a nice time together - they are a really nice group of guys. And all I ask is that when they hit it big, they ensure we have backstage passes to every concert we attend. They are pretty talented though realistic about their chances of hitting it big.

B.'s band award banquet was Friday evening - and he left us at the table and went and sat with his friends. It was amusing - though shocking - to realize that the ONLY kids sitting with their parents were the freshman. B. sat with us last year - but this year, it was straight to the friends table. He wore a tux because immediately following the banquet, he was attending the Choir Ball with his girlfriend, S. Whom I still haven't met. The young lady who will always be remembered as my son's 'first real kiss'. I hope to meet her soon.

That's all the news for now. I have a pile of work (from work) to plow through now, so I'd best get to it. Bye for now.

Assistant

My new job has a few 'perks' - no commute is a biggie. More money is another. The other 'biggie' is an assistant. Her initial is also "K" and there are so many "K"s referred to in this blog that to simplify things, I'm going to call her KD.

KD is wonderful. She is way overqualified for her current job - she was in HR at the director level in her previous life. She found this job to be close to her kids. She has 3 boys. Her husband is in the military and has been in Iraq twice in the past few years. He's been gone for over a year at a time. I don't know how she does it since I fall apart when J. is gone for more than a night or two.

KD is very organized. VERY organized. Her desk is a testament to her ability to file things immediately, categorize things effortlessly and put things away where they belong immediately after she's finished using them.

I am a stacker. I have always been a stacker. I have stacks of 'stuff' on my desk. I have never not stacked things - and while it has often been a source of wisecracks and good natured kidding from various coworkers and friends throughout my 25+ years in management, there really isn't anyone who can 'argue' that I don't get stuff done. 'Cuz I do. Things move forward. I know where stuff is. I remember which stack, when I last had something, etc.

Stacking makes KD very uncomfortable. She practically breaks out in hives at the sight of my desk. And so, for her, and for me 'cuz I've long needed to be 'more organized', I am trying to learn to file. To put things away/file them when I'm done - even if the 'I'm done' is only done for the day, or for a couple days until someone does the 'next thing' for me.

The problem is: when I'm looking for something, my first instinct is to look through one of my stacks. I created some 'working files' in my desk and attempted to file some things. But then, when one of those things require action, I had absolutely NO recollection of having set up a file and putting the file in the drawer. Looking for a FILE is not something I think of. Looking at my desk through a stack of papers IS what I think of. So that's what I did. For quite a few minutes. Until I gave up.

I'm a visual person. I can 'see' where I put things in relation to other things. Just this morning, one of my co-workers came in and asked me for a document. I reached over, lifted up a stack, shuffled for a moment and pulled out what she was looking for. She was impressed and a bit surprised - that I knew what it was she was asking about and even more so: that I knew right where it was. If I file something I'm working on when I'm not working on it, then 'out of sight, out of mind' kicks in. And I'll forget all about it.

The challenge is: it's hard for my assistant to assist me when she's not sure where to 'put' stuff. Nor where to find things that she might need to locate. That's actually been one of the toughest parts of the new job - figuring out how to use an assistant. I've never had one. Ever. I don't automatically think to give things to someone else to do - nor to think of things she could do which would free me up to do other stuff. I still go to the copy machine, the fax machine. Type my own memos. She's great at drafting memos and letters - but I don't even think to ask her until I've already done it. It's just not what I'm used to.

I'm working on attempting to file a bit so KD's hives will improve. And she's working on accepting that some people just prefer to keep their stuff 'out' versus in a drawer. That's the difference. Placement of papers. I understand appearances are important - but I've 'appeared' disorganized for years - and yet, I've done pretty well. Pretty successful. Moved up in every organization I've ever worked in. So I must be doing something right. And I'm learning to ask for help - which is essentially what her job is. Helping me is her job. Asking for that isn't a 'favor'. It's what she's paid to do. I have to get used to that.

Altered

This being 'new' is a constant state of highs and lows. High stress days that just compound over and over. I reach a point where I'm sure I will not be able to do this - 'this' being 'the job'. Where I just don't think I want to do this - I reach a 'low'. They usually pass. And I've commented here how the human psyche can go from fragile and guarded to invincible and unstoppable - from the highest of good days to the lowest of bad days - in just a matter of hours. I keep plugging along. Working away at things. Will work tomorrow - it will feel 'good' to get some items 'caught up' and move others forward.

Today, I got my first little bit of 'positive feedback' - no, not from my boss. But from a school administrator who said 'you're doing a really good job and we are glad you're here. You are so approachable and such a good communicator. Thank you for what you do'. I was so appreciative - I needed to hear that. Especially after having visited my 'old' place and being greeted with profuse joy at my reappearance followed by a zillion 'are you coming back?' comments/questions. I made such a difference there and I don't feel like I'm making any difference here.

AND THEN, out of the blue this afternoon, another former coworker at my old job - who works at the district [and the first thing I told her was 'wow, do I have a whole new appreciation for all you 'district people'] - called to say Hi. I had called her quite awhile back and hadn't heard from her. Was just at the point where I was taking it personally - thinking 'wow, I must have really pissed her off somehow' - when she called to apologize for taking so long. She's been busy with auditors, etc. It was so great to talk to her. And I told her that while this job was OK, I missed my old job. My friends. My boss. And I said my new boss is OK - but he's not.....well, he's not so many things my other boss was.

And she said something that just might have altered my entire perspective on this 'new job vs. old job' thing. She said: 'all those things you miss about your old boss are all the things you are to the new place. So model that. BE that. Set that tone and that example for all the people there who haven't had all those things and need them. THAT'S why you're there. That's who you are'.

Thank you, SM for the positive feedback and RB for the perspective shift. I needed both desperately...and thank you, G. for hearing me and providing just what I needed to close a really tough week on a 'higher' note.

Flan

It is just after 5 (again). We have to stop meeting like this.

I am headed into my office shortly - an early morning rendezvous with items to prepare for our Board meeting next week. It is Friday and while I am gleeful about that, I will be working tomorrow, too, sadly. And possibly Sunday. Oh well. Have to do what needs to be done and it's piling up a bit at the moment.

I have invented a new breakfast treat that I call Oatmeal Flan. I didn't invent oatmeal, obviously - the Quaker Oats guy did that - but I have a 'new' way of preparing a delicious breakfast and it is my invention. Here it is:

Put two packets of Instant Oatmeal in a food storage container - with a lid. Pour boiling water over the oatmeal until it's just moist. Not too moist. I don't like to drink my oatmeal - so I add just enough water to moisten the oats. Stir a bit to get the water in. Err on the side of too little vs. too much. Once the oats are moist, sprinkle a generous amount of brown sugar on the top of the oatmeal. While it's warm. Put the lid on the container and take it to work with you.

When you're ready to eat, you will open your container and have a firm, custardy like serving of oatmeal with a yummy caramel-like sauce on it. I just eat it like that - I never add milk - and it's like a 'flan' only healthier. Very filling and gets me through early mornings like this when my stomach will be begging for more food by 10AM. I love it and have made it everyday this week.

Gotta run. The dogs are wide awake and agitated. I came downstairs about a half hour ago and they started whining - so I took them out. They peed. And I put them back in their kennel to go back to sleep - krikey, it's still early. But they want nothing to do with that - they want to be up and out. They're whining again. Oh, B. is up and just came downstairs. He left the computer on upstairs ALL NIGHT because he knew he would be needing it this morning. THAT explains the 20% increase in our electric bill. I am making him his morning mocha latte and then going to work.

See you later.