Won't

He will not go quietly. He knows who he is. So does Bug.

It's flattering, and heartfelt, and sweet. But I can't keep pending my life trying to decide. I have decided. I'M THE DECIDER. You'd think a Republican would get that.

And I love him for it. Which only makes it harder.

I will treat him to lunch and let him have his say. But I have decided. Just so we're all clear. Sort of. Pretty much. Well, yes, I have - really.

Confirmed

So H. is now also a member of St. Paul's Lutheran Church. He made an appropriate slightly 'ucky' face when he tasted the wine at his First Communion. It was a blessed day. J. played bass and had a 'solo' - I was so proud. We had a very nice breakfast at the church for the conifirmands and their families. Then into the church. After the services, we partied at the D. family's house with lots of friends - most of whom we know since we spent New Years Eve with them and have interactions frequently 'cuz of the kids. H. and their son K. will graduate 8th grade in a couple weeks and we'll be partying there again, no doubt. It's lots of fun and I always marvel at how gracious and talented our hostess is. She always makes it all look so easy - and she never seems stressed or nervous. I never feel that 'comfortable' when I have a house full of people. But she makes it look so easy.

J. and I also took a big step toward our health - we signed on for Medifast. It's one of the diets J.'s doctor recommended and so we've submitted our first order. We know it will be hard but we're determined and doing it together will help. I need a jump start to losing some weight - something that Weight Watchers doesn't give. Too much figuring out what to eat, how many points, etc. I just need to have the food in front of me and know how many to eat and when. Medifast fits that to a tee. One of the friends we see at church and saw today at the party has lost 30 pounds and she looks fantastic. So we're signed up.

The kids each received confirmation 'cash' from us - B.'s is a bit 'late' since he went through the 'confirmation' process in the adult weekend retreats. They thanked us profusely for the money and then promptly told us what they are spending it on - which we're not happy about, but it is their money. B. wants (yet another) pair of sunglasses. H. wants to buy a pair of black sneakers. Which he already has. A pair that he 'had to have' for basketball that just sits. He doesn't wear them since basketball is over. So he will spend his gift on shoes. I don't get it. It disturbs me greatly to hear them planning to spend money on things that have no 'need' in their requirement. They're going to just 'blow it'. Irritates me. But the money was a gift and it is theirs, so I will express my displeasure and let them do what they want with it.

I am going to hit my 'work' stack shortly. I am so far behind. Scares me. Must get caught up - only since I'm not completely clear what all it is that needs to be done, it's a bit challenging. But I'll figure it out. Or die trying.

Happy Sunday. My son's are 'connected' to their faith in a way I never was as a teen and I'm strangely proud of that. And happy for them. And feeling more blessed than ever.

Removed

I just removed a post on the advice of my 'monitor'. AKA J. Lest I end up saying too much and getting dooced.

Bug already read it and it was her for whom it was written anyway. So mission accomplished. She knows the details. And the status.

More later.

Bug

"Bug" is the nickname for my friend N. Her soon to be mother-in-law started calling her that when she (N.) worked for her and used to 'bug' her all the time with questions, etc. I can relate to that since Bug used to work for me. With me, but technically for me, since I was her boss. Not that she needed one. And she didn't really 'bug' me that much - she did ask a lot of questions, but she's a thinker and she likes to learn and so it didn't bother me. But the name stuck and since I make it a point to never use actual names in this blog, Bug she will be henceforth.

N. is quite possibly one of the most motivated young person I've ever met. She was a stand out college student and was quickly tapped by the President's Office to help with a big data analysis project we had undertaken. I loved her from the start - how focused she is. How dedicated. She works so hard and does so much - she is just a driven young lady.

She is working still at the college and 'filling in' both my old job and doing hers. AND she's in her last semester at St. Mary's college, which she's paying for herself - not just the semester - the whole enchilada. AND she's getting married to the wonderful M., who I don't technically know but I love him anyway 'cuz he loves her and she loves him and they're getting married and having babies someday - and that's all that matters to me. He makes her very happy - he who just graduated from the Citadel - so no slouch is he, either.

Bug reminds me what it's like to be young and enthusiastic. When everything and anything is possible. And what it's like to be in love - and so excited about marriage, family, etc.

I miss her very much. And when we get together, we just pick up where we left off and usually end up laughing our heads off. She makes me laugh so hard, my stomach muscles hurt. I love her and miss her and wish I could see her more.

Because she enjoys my blog so much (thank you!), she has started one of her own. Check it out at www.bugsbuzzings.blogspot.com.

Hugs to you, my sweet friend. I feel the exact same way about reading your blog, now. So keep writing, 'kay?

Steps

Baby steps. Teeny tiny baby steps. That's my 'new' fitness routine.

The past few evenings, I've taken the dogs out back and jogged in place. And after I 'warm up' by jogging in place, I jog a bit from the yard to the front gate and back again. Chloe follows me quietly toward the gate and as soon as I make the turn to come back toward the yard, she pauses just a second and then runs full tilt for all she's worth back down the side yard concrete, onto the grass, makes the turn around the tree in the back and heads around again the the yard - still at full speed. We call her torpedo dog - and when she makes the turn to head back towards the yard from the gate, she runs 'in place' for a second or two until her paws catch up with the pavement and traction sets in and she actually starts moving. Like a cartoon. It's so funny. And then she and Dani wrestle in the yard for a bit longer.

I know it's not much. It's not a 'real' work out. But it's something. And I have to start somewhere. It's easy, it's quick, it's amusing (thanks to the dogs) and they smile at me like it's the greatest thing ever. And any movement is better than none. So I'm 'doing it' and hope to be soon jogging around the block. Then around the neighborhood, etc. Step by step. Little by little. It's better than not trying. And as simple as it is, I'm already starting to 'feel' better. It's a slight 'change' but it's there.

Today was a good day at work. Made 'progress' on a huge 'challenge' that has now been removed. So that feels good. AND I received another dose of positive feedback from a different administrator - and that felt really good. She called to say she liked me, liked my style, appreciated the communication and was glad I was there. AND glad that I was making progress on some of my world's challenges. So it was a good day. Still no positive words from my boss - but oh well.

I head up to Yolo county for a CBO class tomorrow. Last time, in March, I drove up the night before - but I didn't sleep much anyway..so I figured I'll sleep here, leave really early (because it should only be about an hour and half drive but any accident in or near Sacramento and it could take twice that) and if I get there in plenty of time, which I probably will, I'll go get a light breakfast somewhere before the class starts. There are a lot of Starbucks between here and Woodland so I'll be OK.

Tomorrow evening is H.'s confirmation banquet. He will be confirmed this Sunday at 11AM and we've been invited to C. and K. (friends of B. & H.) house to celebrate with them after. K. is being confirmed also. It will be a fun day. And, God willing, I will not feel compelled to work this weekend, though I probably should and may end up having to. But I'm going to try not to.

Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite. Eeek! Eeek!

Boug

J. has been steadily working on removing a HUGE bougainvillea from the backyard. We lost it during the winter and waited patiently for any sign of it's return. Sadly, it's gone.

Our pool was planned around that plant. It's the only thing in the yard I told the pool designer I would be very sad to see go. I don't really like bougainvillea. It's prickly - hard to prune and care for because of the extensive thorns. And we had tried two other bougs that never took off - until this one. This one was glorious. Huge and flowering all the time. Just incredibly lush and beautiful with it's bright magenta flowers. Just like the boug my mom had on her patio in her town home. Low maintenance, little water and it bloomed constantly and added so much color and 'pop' to the backyard. So I wanted to be sure that plant stayed. The one boug out of several that finally, FINALLY thrived in our yard. As a reminder of my mom and how much she loved that plant. It was one of her favorites - along with nasturtiums, which we also have in our backyard.

It's down to just the trunk now. It's taken J. a series of weekends to carefully prune it back. He has been stuck through thick leather gloves so many times. And now there's just this giant bare 'hole' in our backyard landscape. The trellis is still there but the boug is gone.

We will plant another one. And another and another until one of them takes off. And next winter, when a freeze warning is issued, I'll take a sheet or two out there and cover it up. To try to avoid losing another one.
And it will make me think of my mom everyday - which I do anyway - but I'll have a daily visual reminder of her which I miss. Even though it is a prickly, sticky mess to care for. Sort of like my mom - a lovely, beautiful, fragile, prickly, sticky 'mess' at times - especially in her later years and the months preceding her death. She was a challenge - and loved beyond words. And missed, so much.

Happy Mother's Day. I miss you, Mom. We all do. I wish you could have seen our home before you died - but then again, I always felt like you had a hand in our ending up here. How everything went so perfectly. Found a builder that accepted contingent offers. Sold our condo in 3 days for more than we asked. Sold to a couple who were living with family in Fremont and didn't need us to move before our house was finished - we rented back from them for a couple months - so no apartment in between. All those amazing things that happened just perfectly to make this home a reality. I know you've 'seen' it, Mom. I just wish you could see it with me. You are never far from our thoughts and on this special day, our memories of you, along with J.'s mom are what the day is all about. For the sake of the two teens to whom I am the mom, I try hard to enjoy the day. But it's hard.

Still, it is pretty great having two teens do ANYTHING to make the day special. It was MY DAY - totally. That doesn't happen very often. And we ended up not sticking to the 'plan'. We slept in, skipped church (I know, G. - but we will be there next week since H. is being confirmed), ate out and ran some errands. And I've been working (on work stuff) in the dining room a good chunk of the afternoon and still have more to work on. I did make some progress so I feel 'good'.

Hugs and love to the two moms watching over us. We miss you very much, today and everyday.

Reappeared

I worked today. The second Saturday in a row. I don't like it - but I have a lot to do. I attended a workshop in Fresno one day this past week. Next week, I have a class in Woodland (north of Sacramento) and another class in Stockton. Those classes will eat up close to 40% of my week - and there's still work that would normally fill those days. So I'm a bit 'swamped' at the moment. I packed a bunch of stuff in my 'travel boxes' and brought it home - plan to get to it tomorrow in between the flurry of Mother's Day activities.

And, today, I found the missing bracelet. I emptied out my purse - turned it upside down and emptied it completely to clean it out and to find my flash drive which always gets lost at the bottom of the bag - and there it was. It must have slipped off my wrist at some point when I was reaching into my purse for a wallet or my phone or something. So I have it back. So much for the sign. Or maybe the 'sign' is working - 'cuz I have to admit that the new job is 'feeling' a bit better lately. I've made some friends - a few - and am learning lots and starting to 'enjoy' it a bit more. I'm still taking it one day at a time and just try to get through each day. Certainly working a zillion hours is challenging, but I'm managing.

I really do think that age is on my side - I really do seem to need a lot less sleep. When I was commuting, I frequently could barely drag myself out of bed by 6:30. Now, I'm up and downstairs most days before 5. Even by 4 some mornings. I don't know where this 'change' is coming from, but I kind of like it. I like the time in the mornings to enjoy a latte and check emails, etc. before getting ready. And I like getting to the office really early before there's anyone there. It's quiet and I get so much done.

The kids only have a few weeks of school left. H. will graduate from 8th grade on June 1st. Hard to believe my 'baby' is turning 14 in two weeks. He will start freshman football on June 4th - every night from 6-8. We'll see if he makes the team. I think this is going to be a lot harder than he thinks - but he's motivated and really wants to play. He runs really fast so that's in his favor.

Tomorrow, we are going to brunch at 8am BEFORE church - to hopefully beat some of the crowd. Then church. Then home. I have requested non-chotsky stuff - no knick knacks, etc. I'd love Starbucks card(s) and a quart of Baskin Robbins Bubble Gum ice cream . That's all I want.

Heading to bed now. Getting up early is a lot harder on weekends, for some reason. But I hope to get a nap tomorrow for sure. I'm going to try for that as an afternoon 'treat'.