There have been moments lately when I think 'I wish we knew someone in Texas who might be able to try to find H. so we know he is OK. (OK = alive. Never imagined in a zillion years I would have to think that about one of my kids but here we are. That's where we are pretty much most of the time).
Yesterday, out of the blue, a friend of H.'s from when he was in rehab in Modesto in 2018 reached out. She had just celebrated her 4th year of sobriety and shared that she had a six month old baby and had left her husband because he started using drugs and she refused to be around that. She moved to Texas to live with her mother temporarily.
Her mother travels to Houston for business all the time - they live in the Dallas area so it's a 4 hour drive but M. said her mom will keep an eye out for H. when she's in Houston. We sent her a snip-it pic of the area where we think he was hanging out.
As expected, her contact brought everything back to the surface. Trying to explain to her all the things that happened (keeping it brief) and also wanting to be sure she protects her sobriety above all else. Trying to gently explain how little trust we have in anything H. does or says. And not saying (but wishing we had) that while we would love to know someone has seen him, we aren't looking to step back on the daily roller coaster of his life. He has to help himself - first and foremost - and I'm hoping we didn't just introduce people into the 'story' that might decide helping him is their priority. We've been there. But we can't go there anymore. We won't.
We did tell her that we won't be at all surprised to learn if they do see him that he 'doesn't want contact with his family at this time'. That's a line he used with his friend P. (who we met when he was in rehab in 2010). P. hasn't heard from him in ages either.
My heart which hasn't felt light in a very long time feels staggeringly more heavy today. I remind myself I'm fretting about something that may never happen - Houston is a huge city and we have no idea where H. is exactly - so the odds of M.'s mom seeing him are slim.
Other happenings: we have to pay for our Bahama cruise in 7 days so we're in a constant state of all the what ifs. I'm pretty sure when we booked the cruise (which is Thanksgiving week), we were assuming we would spend time at Disneyworld at the end of the cruise because there is no way I would voluntarily fly anywhere the weekend after Thanksgiving. No way. I foresee us ending up taking 24+ hours to actually get back home - and I don't like the idea of setting ourselves up for that out of the gate? [I'm honestly not sure how/why we thought that timing would be good - but it isn't]. Every ounce of my being is telling me I don't want to go. I just don't. And J. does. Which is pretty much where we've been on the travel question since we moved into this house.
It's been five days since I wrote everything above this line and there's more to update.
We cancelled the cruise. J. understood my concerns about traveling home from Orlando on the busiest travel weekend of the year - something I would have NEVER booked so I know we thought we'd do Disneyworld after the cruise - but that's not happening. I looked into it and it was do-able - it seems like the parks are more 'open' than they have been - but still, it's a gazillion more things to coordinate and my heart just isn't in it.
I think I'm coming to grips with some things that have hit me since retirement and I just can't undo it all. It's like the daily high stress I had in my work just kept me in hyper mode all the time - so big trips were 'easy' - stress was my norm so travel stress was nothing. But now? I feel 'anxious' about having a dental appointment. Or a doctor appointment. Or a trip to the bank. I leave the house as needed for those things and our weekly trips to Atlantis - but mostly? I just want to be home.
It's a constant back and forth 'struggle' for me to commit to 'stuff'. Pretty much any stuff. Last night, our friends reached out to offer us two tickets to Hadestown in Reno at the Pioneer Center for the Arts. They are traveling and can't use the tickets - and their friends (who they have season tickets with) will also be attending - so it's spending time at a 2.5 hour show with two people we don't know very well (at all). And the one time I've met them, the wife was incredibly surly the entire time - kept to herself - didn't speak to anyone. Not exactly sounding like a great time - but we said yes. And we will go. And I will be dreading going until it's done.
My psyche is a puzzlement.
In another out of the blue moment, the person who I communicated with about a year ago (and in that conversation (via FB Messenger) realized our son hadn't ever lived there as he'd said he was) reached out with a 'did you find him'? Completely out of the blue and strange. She said her brother M. thinks about H. a lot (including telling me the brother thought H. would be dead by now). I told her we had spoken to him last in February and aren't in touch with him much.
So my heart is even more heavy than five days ago. And that's pretty damn heavy.
After two days of golf, hubs is home today and we will head to Atlantis this afternoon for weekly free play. I played at our local casino yesterday and hit two Majors six minutes apart - left up a good amount and was down a huge amount before those two wins so it was a good day. I remind myself our intention is to play a bit, do free play, get food and come home. Not intending to do a marathon day of play - but I always tell J. 'the machines will decide'. If I'm on a good streak, I will play!
I applied for Social Security in April - the website says 'most applications take 2-4 weeks to be completed'. This past Friday, I logged on twice and even tried to call (gave up after being on hold for many minutes). And 'lo and behold on Saturday morning, the website said my application was approved so yay!! Beginning in August, my deposit will arrive on the second Wednesday of the month. I am super excited!! And super blessed because that 'extra' income is now fun money! Woot woot! (It will also be available for other expenses as needed but it's mostly fun money which is glorious).
Next big financial change will be making my final car payment in December! Cha ching!
That's it for now. More soon. We spent a wonderful afternoon with our new neighbors and I will share more about that visit in an upcoming post.
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