Wednesday, May 23, 2012

End of May

There is something about the end of May.....historically in this family, the end of May has a lot of drama.  May, 2012, is living up to that reputation.

Tomorrow is the day my mom died - 12 years ago. 

H.'s birthday is at the end of May and that's a wonderful occasion.  His birthday is always around Memorial Day....weather warming up and summer officially starting.  That's a nice thing that's happened at the end of May.

A couple years ago, we were dealing with H.'s issues and wondering what in the heck to do with him.  Two years forward and he's better.  I'm pretty sure of that most of the time though I can still have wild and crazy moments.  He humors me.  I love him for it.  He doesn't really have a lot of choice at the moment - no job, no way to support himself - so he has to stay here with us.  So torturing him is the trade off.

Yesterday, J. mentioned he had a doctor's appointment at 8AM and a one on one (on the phone) with his boss scheduled for 8:30 - and when he asked his boss if they could move it to a little later since he had an appointment, she refused.  I was concerned about that - seemed odd.  And combined with other things that he's experienced lately, I've had my guard up for some time. 

Sure enough, his boss let him know - over the phone when he was in his car on the way home - advising him that she had an HR person in her office with her and suggesting he pull over - that after 37 years, his position is being eliminated.  Three years away from his full retirement age and three years before he planned to retire. 

He's going through the regular emotions - shock, anger, sadness and acceptance.  He will tell you that it's been easier for him because he says I am not freaking out so he's not freaking out.  And honestly, I have no doubt we are going to be absolutely fine.  The severance package is generous and once his severance ends, he can start drawing his pension.  That with unemployment (they will not contest the claim and he will qualify for UI as long as he looks for a job - what are the odds a 64+ guy will find a job?) when the severance ends should get us to his full retirement age of 66 when he can start drawing social security. 

It's helped me not freak out to have a raging infection that has kept me home from work and in bed most of the day.  I actually called in sick - first time in years - and stayed home.  I hope to be at work tomorrow but we'll  see.  I feel 'weak' and wobbly when I'm up and about and that's my clue to just stay horizontal and enjoy movies on my Kindle, reading and sleeping a lot.  I just feel too bad to worry too much....and I know we will be fine.  So why worry?

It's a new beginning in many ways.  He is getting to semi-retire earlier than he imagined.  I'm not sure the enormity of it has set in - he is done with working for the foreseeable future.   He may substitute teach for 'fun'.  He may volunteer.  He has promised that he will make exercise a part of his daily routine - and I'm writing that down here to make sure he knows that commitment is a must-do.  This is the chance to do things he enjoys.

The kids know and are pretty 'non' about it all.  In that one area, I am far from 'non'.  B. needs to make arrangements to be on his own as soon as possible.  Sooner than as soon as would be lovely.  There are a variety of things going on with him that make me feel that way - and then I factor in the drain on our monthly budget he adds and that's my primary motivation for suggesting (strongly) that he needs to move out.  The alternative is to pay us room and board.  No other options.  He will be 22 in January and that's long enough to be 'dependent'. 

H. can stay through school....and he still needs to get a job and make that a priority.  Period.  The Bank of Mom and Dad is shutting down because 50% of the bank is no longer working. 

It will all be OK.  I have no doubt about that.  I feel totally calm about the future.  We are blessed and we will be fine.  Just fine. 

J. will work through June.  He intends to continue to go into San Fran every week for a couple days.  He's a trooper -


Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Resting

It occurred to me as I drifted off to sleep last night that perhaps the lower back pain that has plagued me since Friday just may not be due to eating pizza on Friday night.  Cheese and I no longer speak to each other - so I assumed that consuming dairy (and a lot of dairy - for me, these days at least) was the cause of the ache.  Things move slower than they used to - age is a wonderful thing....

Anyway...so I considered that perhaps I have not been feeling 'great' for quite a few days due to some kidney something or other...

And I am right!  Trip to doctor today confirmed an infection that (based on the pain) is surely in my kidneys.  I feel 'bad' and am actually relieved to have a reason to feel so bad.  'Cuz I was an emotional twit most of the weekend and had moments when I thought I was truly just losing it...when in fact, my body was not well and not feeling well is always harder on you than you give yourself credit for.  At least that's my experience.

It's been an eventful morning around here - more on that later.  J. went to pick up my meds so I can take them and rest - and hopefully feel much better by this time tomorrow.

Here's hoping.

Change is always a good thing, even when it's unexpected.  Let the new adventures begin....

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Beba





 
This is my grandmother's house in Tulsa, Oklahoma.  If the picture was back further, you might see the chain link fence around the property - which had poodles on it.  Designed into the fence - poodles!  She had a poodle....his name was Bo.  She's gone now and I still miss her.....

It amazes me that I can remember her address (which is a very strange address - multiple street references) after all these years.  Considering this week I have forgotten some pretty major things - and yet I can pull an address out of my memory bank for a house I haven't visited in over 30 years.

I used to write her all the time when I was young.  Back in the days when a long distance phone call wasn't something you made unless someone had died and you needed to reach people to let them know.  Letters were the way to go and my grandma and I would write each other back and forth, back and forth.  My letters were typed on one of those clunky black typewriters like reporters used to use.  And the first line was always 'How are you?  I am fine.  What have you been doing?' which I could type with lightening speed using only two fingers.  (I'm typing now with all 10 and am much faster these days - but then again the 'touch' of a computer keyboard is way, way different than an old manual typewriter).

She died when I was 18 or 19....which I remember because I was living with my brother and his family at the time and I really agonized over going to her funeral.  My mom convinced me not to spend the money - I was in college and money was tight.

A couple summers before she died, I visited her and she gave me the quilt squares she'd made when she was pregnant with my Aunt Mary.  It is a hexagon flower quilt - hundreds of small hexagons stitched together.  I took those hexagons and the ones she had 'in process' and I had the quilt finished by a lady in Phoenix.  It turned out beautifully and I still have it and still treasure it.  That quilt began my obsession with quilts.  I sent my grandmother pictures of the finished quilt and she was so thrilled.  My mom said 'she was so surprised you wanted to have it finished'.  It is a family treasure - and I don't have a picture of it but I will see if J. and I can take one.  The pic won't do it justice, though.  It's an heirloom....

A Facebook friend posted that his Tulsa house is for sale and that's what made me think of Beba this morning.  It amazes me the power of the Internet.  Amazing to find that picture and have it instantly take me back to yummy things cooking in the kitchen; escaping to Grandma's house; the times she would come to Phoenix to take care of me and my sister if my mom was out of town....she was such a wonderful lady.



 


Sunday, May 13, 2012

The Best Husband

I came downstairs this morning and looked for the card.  J. always leaves cards on my computer for me on special occasion days.  No card.  I have to admit, my heart sunk a little bit. 

Then I opened up my laptop - and there it was!!  Of course it was.  He never fails me.  Ever.  Great card, honey!

And to prove that it really is MY day, he turned off talking heads - and turned on Winnie the Pooh!  Isn't he the greatest husband EVER???!!!  And yesterday, he sat through 5 hours of Harry Potter movies for me!  He is awesome!! 

Brunch in two hours.....and the dog is going to the groomer 'cuz she is a shaggy beast! 

Happy Mother's Day!!

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Mother's Day 2013


About a week ago, B. announced that he would not be home for Mother's Day.   A friend was turning 21 and her parents were hosting her and her friends for a weekend at the Hyatt in Tahoe.  That's a hard thing to turn down - there have been a lot of 21st birthday parties this year and this was a biggie.  B. let me know he would be out of town and asked to take me to lunch.  Meetings made lunch impossible on our available day - but yesterday, B. took me to breakfast - just the two of us.  I was in my office for meetings that started at 7AM and as soon as my 8AM meeting ended (at 8:40), I phoned B. to confirm he was up and dressed (very early for him).  He was and we met at a local eatery about 5 minutes away from my office.  Had a big breakfast - a big treat for me! - and nice conversation.


This was a nice end to a week that started on Monday with a co-worker tracking me down at the County Office to let me know that B. was in our building looking for me and had obviously been crying.  She said afterwards (she is the mom of two boys and a girl) 'when a young man has been crying and is looking for his mom, there was no way I was letting him leave until he talked to you')....so she called the county office and found someone to go into the training and get me.  I headed back to my office as quickly as possible (leaving a training that was wrapping up a little early and dragging the two people who had ridden with me back a little early, too - I think they were fine with it).  My boss had been at the county that morning and my first call after talking to B. was to contact him to see if he could bring me home - he was already close to our office back in Tracy - but he did find B. and talk to him.

The Navy texted B. that morning to call the recruiting office - and when he called, they told him that he was not going to be able enlist in the Navy.  Ever.  I'm not sure what bureaucracy created the issue but it was fact:  it was the Army or nothing, apparently.  The Navy has always been his dream - always.  He only ever considered the Army because he had a friend (now revealed as a complete and total fraud) who had (supposedly) been an Army Ranger and had 'connections'.  So instead of pursuing the Navy, B. switched to the Army - and now the Navy was out.  Something to do with the 'medical' waiver issue that prohibited him from enlisting seemingly in any other branch.

To say he was devastated was an understatement.  I'm still young enough to remember vividly the harshness of the disappointments you have in your early 20's.  He was beside himself - his whole life 'shattered'.  All his dreams 'trashed'. 

I came home and we spent a lot of time talking.  Reminding him that even though he doesn't know it yet, this happened for a reason.  And that I was absolutely positive things would work out - and the end result would be better than he imagined.  Things always happen for a reason.  B. said 'Mom, I just don't have that 'faith' part yet.  I want to.  I try to.  But I don't'.  And I said 'you won't have that now, B., because you're still really young.  Faith comes from experiencing things that remind you that there is a plan - and it's not your plan.  It's His.  And over time, you just realize that it isn't up to you - it never has been up to you - and you just accept that He is in control.  Doesn't mean you sit around and do nothing - but it means that there will be many hard things in your life - and they get easier over time because as you experience hard things and live through them and work past them, you start to feel faithful about it.  Things will work out exactly as they are intended - and no amount of upset or fear or anger or frustration will change any of how it turns out.  And when you get THAT, you start living your life in the moment and realize that we're here for reasons we have yet to know....and it gets easier.  It really does get easier.

Bless his heart.  He posted on Facebook last Monday (which I just saw today) that he had a really, really hard day and got some really bad news.  And then he said 'thanks, Mom'.  Wow.....made my heart hurt just to see that.  And also made my heart soar at the same time.  I am so glad to be the person he sought out that morning.  He didn't even call J. - just headed straight to my office.  And being a mom is my highest priority - and I sometimes forget that since they are both older and more independent (sort of). 

My boss did find him and talk to him - and said the most completely best thing:  'wow, B. - that does seem really arbitrary'.  D. (my boss) said 'that's often what is hardest for kids to deal with - that life is often unfair and seemingly arbitrary'.  It's so true.  The unfairness is hard.

So B. went back to the Army recruiting office and is pursuing enlisting as soon as possible.  I am not 'happy' about it - but I am OK.  This is his dream, after all.  And if I'm going to live as I 'preach', I have to let go and let God on this one myself.  It isn't my plan...it's His.  And I trust Him.

It was a busy week with many fun things and loads of work tossed in for variety.  My boss was publicly very kind - acknowledging me and my staff and our work on the massive system conversion all wedged in while we do our 'regular' jobs.  It was kind of him to do that - though embarrassing.  But still nice.  I don't 'need' the acknowledgement (publicly or privately) but it is very nice when it happens.

We ended the week at work with a Sweet 'n Salty event hosted by Business Services (my department).  We had all sorts of salty and sweet treats and it was fun.  Nice way to end a(nother) busy week - many more to come, as always.  God willing.

Tomorrow, J., H. and I are heading to brunch at 11AM.  It will be a quiet day and that sounds heavenly.

School is almost over for those with the summer off.  My department doesn't have that time off - we are a year-round enterprise.  And this summer, very little vacation will happen -  we'll have to catch up in the fall/winter.

And there's always Playa next summer....so glad we sent in the reservation 'cuz it is something I am clinging to with all my might.  Looking forward to that is something that propels me ever-forward.

PS - so glad Blogger fixed the posting process....my posts are drafted all over the place but entering the HTML commands for paragraphs, etc. is more than my feeble, weary brain can handle at the end of exhausting days...but now it's fixed again!  Yeah!!

Sunday, May 06, 2012

Blue Jay

There are two mama blue jays with nests in our trees. I am trying to entice them with sunflower seed but they avoid it. Today, I moved the ceramic 'pot' full of the seed out to under one of the trees they are nesting in. I see them both in and out of the tree but so far, they continue to avoid the pot full of food. Maybe they don't like sunflower seed? I'll have to research that.

The weekend passed uneventfully and busily as always. I'm baking a cake for no particular reason - using a Trader Joe's Vanilla Cake Mix (tons of vanilla bean flecks!) and then added some fresh squeezed orange juice and some orange zest. Plan to make orange icing also - mainly because we still have a lot of oranges left from our Napa weekend and I'm trying to use them up.

Tomorrow I am mailing off a deposit for 11 nights in Playa del Carmen next summer. 13 months is a long time to wait but oh well - I am hoping that having that trip planned will provide something to look forward to - and I am in desperate need of something to look forward to. We planned for 14 but that seemed too long - we both know me very well and around day 10, I will be chomping at the bit for my own bed and my own home. We have no idea if either of the boys will be joining us at the beach - one is thinking he will be enlisted (but we've heard that before) and the other seems (unbelievably) reluctant to be away from his friends for that many days. We are downsizing to a smaller condo and should both end up going, sleeping arrangements will involve mattresses on the floor. Oh well. It saves enough money for J. and I to plan to do some 'day trips' that we usually don't do because having paid for a condo, airfare for 4 and food, we rarely feel we should spend MORE money doing stuff. But we're hoping to be able to do a couple things that we want to do every time we go down there.

Work feels like drudgery lately and that's not like me. I chalk it up to too much to do and not nearly enough time to do it all in. There's just a never ending mountain of stuff to climb - and no matter how far or how fast I climb it, I am never close to the top. Again, this is 'normal' and 'routine' in my line of work so it shouldn't phase me a bit - but it is. And it has...lately.

On a great note, I am officially down 10 pounds - just under two months of my change in eating and it's been relatively 'easy'. I still cheat now and then - cheese on pizza occasionally (for example) and sugar also very occasionally....but for the most part, I stick with 'the plan'. [For those who missed my post - my plan is: no dairy, no sugar, no processed foods and avoid refined flours]. It's been amazing to learn about the 'stuff' I eat....and every day, I read labels and make choices that are best for me. Not always 'easiest'. Certainly not always 'perfect'. But if something has a bunch of ingredients I don't recognize - or if the first or second ingredient is sugar - or if it's obviously full of 'fake' stuff - I don't buy it and I don't eat it. And if faced with choices that are not great - for example, if I'm running to and from and have to eat something on the road that I wouldn't normally eat - I opt for the thing with the most protein and the most fiber available. It's a small, minor change - but it plays out more often than I used to think about. Example: my old 'rushed' on my way to a meeting breakfast (and this is now very rare because I eat soy yogurt and fruit for breakfast most days without fail)was a Morning Bun at Starbucks. Delicious - and sugary - and no nutritional value whatsoever. Now, if I have to choose something - I choose pumpkin bread. High in fiber and covered with nuts for protein. It's not the 'best' choice. Yogurt and fruit are the far better choice. But if I'm rushed and/or have no yogurt, it's better than a morning bun. Just those small, daily considerations before putting something in my mouth have added up to a loss of weight that two months ago seemed impossible.

Do I miss those things? No. In fact, I don't crave them at all anymore - the only time I crave them is if I've had some - and then it's just a moment of 'oh, I want to eat [insert something terrible]. But I don't eat them....and while a friend complimented me on my willpower on Friday, I don't really think of it as willpower. That implies that I'm having to 'fight' the urge to eat badly - and I'm not. I just choose not to. A simple mind-set switch that has revolutionized my eating habits.

OK - having gone on and on about my healthy eating habits, I have a cake to frost. And yes, I plan to eat a slice....but no milk. Maybe soy milk. But probably not. Just a couple bites of cake as a treat. And to assist in my efforts, I'm heading outside to garden for a bit. We have our first squash blossom so that's encouraging. Our lettuce plants are being devoured by something but some are managing to survive. And our pepper and tomato plant are holding their own!

March

I'm starting to think maybe I will just do a monthly post and call it what it is - whatever month we're in.  Here we are winding dow...