Decisions

J. and I spent the better part of the day with an attorney drafting our estate plan. We have wanted to and needed to do this for a LONG time - obviously. B. is almost 15 and H. is 12 1/2 so we have been blessed for all these years that we had only simple hand-written wills in place. No guardianship for the kids. No plan for the management of our assets. Until today. Soon, there will be all those things. And my brain is very tired tonight and I can't shut it off.

There are no easy decisions about these things. No guardian is the perfect guardian, no matter who it is. And although the kids are older, which I always thought would make it easier, it is actually in many ways harder. The kids will be incredibly disrupted should the decisions we've made have to be enacted. There is no other way to do it - and it will suck for them big time. And unlike when they're little and incredibly resilient and it would be hard but we would be 'those people' they remember but soon move on from (as little kids live so 'in the moment'), they are older now - and will know it is going to be hard and suck. So we made all the hard decisions and spelled out everything for our attorney to write up - and then drove home in a pouring rain storm praying more than EVER that NOTHING happens to either of us - but especially that NOTHING happens to both of us until the boys are both over 18. Then, while there will be many hard decisions for them to make should we both die, at least they are on their own with good people in place for financial management and advice. And the guardian and alternates and all those people will still be there for them and love them and care for them and help them. But they won't have to go LIVE with anyone in another state...and I really want them to stay here, but that won't be possible if we both die before they are 18. And the odds of that are small. And a part of me is thinking we could make the odds even smaller by never traveling together alone anywhere. Until they're 18, anyway.

We are doing the best we can...I hope. I don't have to worry about them financially, which is a blessing and so much of a relief. They will be financially blessed in many ways - and have money for education, health and 'maintenance' until they are in their late 20's, at which point the principal will be distributed a bit at a time into their 30's. They will be FINE. Better than fine.

So when B. hits 18 in 3 years, 3 weeks, followed by H. 28 months later, I will be so thrilled with those milestones having been reached, I will do an internal dance of joy. They will still be here with us at that point (please, God, please) and all these things I'm fretting and obsessing about this evening will be mute.

And I'm grateful they are at the moment ensconced in the game room enjoying
a(nother) new PS2 game (H. is spending his Christmas money to the benefit of B. - 'cuz B. already spent his yesterday on a new set of crash cymbals) and completely oblivious to the planning of their future we just completed. They are thrilled with Dominoe's for dinner. Dreading tomorrow's return to school...17 day vacations are great but the night before the 'return of reality' sucks!

Happy 2006.