Channel Your Inner Optimist

Here we are approaching the end of May - my draft folder has several posts and I will try to refine them and post them soon....so at some point, look back a bit if you're reading this post to see if I post the rest.  

We have intense heat this weekend - Spring was barely a whisper and now it's broiling hot.  So many weather alerts flashing - high heat greatly increases the snow melt and flash floods are happening.  We're fine here but some areas near us are flooding.  J.'s golf group had to scramble to reschedule their upcoming Tuesday play because the course they were playing has two or three holes completely underwater.  Thankfully, golf courses provide a lot of open area for pooling water.  Better on a golf course then someone's street or house. 

We've had to turn on the AC because it's too hot for open windows to give any kind of break in the heat.  

The 20th of every month is the day the local casino I play at gives me a bit more 'extra' free play.  I haven't played at this casino much lately but I do go once in a while and I definitely didn't want to miss out on today's extra boost.  

I left the house around 9:15 and told myself the entire way to the casino 'I will stick to my budget'.  I'm working (very) hard on not leaving broke - something that's easy to do and something that lately has made me feel horrible on some days.  The machine I would have preferred to play (with the highest Major on the bank of Dragonlinks) was 'out of service' - secret code for someone saved it.  Drat!  I went to the next highest Major - Autumn Moon - and started playing.  I hit a bonus round right away and was glad for that!  Then I played up and down all the denoms - including $1 and $2 denoms which I mostly stay away from lately.  If/when I play those high denoms (where there are only five pay lines vs. 50 or 25 pay lines on the lower denoms), I would always head back down to lower denoms and bet big - to see what happens.  

Nothing happened.  Drat!  I nervously unclipped another $100 from my stash - and told myself 'This is it for today'.  [We are playing at Atlantis tomorrow and I had a good day yesterday so didn't want to put too much back today].  

I got an Orb bonus round and was ecstatic!  Told myself 'no matter what, take the winnings and leave'.  I would be down - but a smidge better after the bonus round - 

14 orbs dropped - and then the 15th dropped.  Holy Cow!  

I let out a small 'oh wow' and everyone at the machine bank said congratulations.  Except the lady who'd saved the machine I would have played if she hadn't saved it.  She stood up, cashed out her ticket and said 'I could have sat at that machine when I got here - it was available'.  And she stormed off.  I've played with her before - she's an Eeyore on her best day - always upset about her play.  Not winning.  Not winning enough.  

Her storming off cost her a bit 'cuz I would have shared the luck - and I did share the luck with another player who then played the machine Eeyore had left and promptly hit the Major!  Woot woot! 

I drove to the casino thinking 'I could have great luck.  And even if I don't have great luck, I will have fun and enjoy the play'. Win, lose or draw, I always feel grateful.  Always.

Today was an awesome luck day and I am so glad!

Why I Blog

Wednesday morning, doing my usual 'bunch of stuff about mostly nothing' on my computer, I saw a face I recognized on a news 'tile' - a blogger I've followed for years.  I clicked and saw 'dead at 47' and froze.  Gasped out loud.  And immediately thought 'please let it be she was ill for some time or it was a tragic accident'.  But no.  She killed herself.  Leaving behind two daughters 19 & 13 and her partner Pete who loved her fiercely. 

Heather Armstrong is the reason I started blogging.  I'd found her blog when she first started writing and followed along as she shared about motherhood, marriage, work challenges, etc. .  Her writing is so much more intricate than mine - a masterful story teller, she could create post after post that was spellbinding. She shared her mental health issues honestly and frequently - something I always admired her for.  Her issues were very severe - and she tried a lot of things to mitigate the crushing depression. 

I even emailed her a few times and she always wrote back - which always surprised me as much as it thrilled me.  

She earned a living via her blog.  One of the first to monetize her blog.  She created an entire career as a "Mommy Blog" influencer and was able to grow her business to include appearances at various blog forums around the world.  She also wrote three books.  

Heather's openly sharing her mental health struggles got me to be more honest about mine - first with myself and then a little sharing on my blog.  My blog has never and will never be 'famous' for anything - I never had any desire to put myself out there in that way.  It's basically an online diary that helps me remember things I want to remember and gives me a way to put thoughts on paper.  For myself.  For my kids.  

I am thinking of her family and how incredibly difficult her death is for them.  And I've been thinking about her - how she did everything she could do to stay here until she reached a point when she couldn't.  

She will be greatly missed.

 

Creeping Anxiety

Little by little, the anxiousness I feel regarding anything remotely resembling travel is creeping in.  Our trip to Paso Robles for our niece's wedding is less than a month away and as we coordinate all the things surrounding that trip, I feel more and more unsettled.  

This will be the first road trip I've taken since we moved here.  Other than our weekly treks to Reno (half hour north) and our occasional trips to Minden (half hour south), I haven't been on any driving trip anywhere.  J.'s made some treks to California and other places for golf and concerts.  I've been home.  I like home.

I will absolutely power through the anxiety to make the trip - we are honored to be invited (it's a small wedding with not a lot of family) and we've been excited to attend since we knew she was getting married.

When we spent time with our neighbors a couple weeks ago, G. volunteered their son N. (who is living with them after he was laid off from his job) to take care of the cats while we are gone.  It will (in theory) save money - boarding two cats is expensive - and they will be happier in their own home.  I worry because lately, even when we're home, sitting in the office with the door closed, the cats (mostly Nala) wander the house crying seeking people.  I think about them being alone and lonely for five days - and I worry leaving them at home isn't the best for them.  But then again, home is where they are the most settled and N. is a great guy who loves cats and will probably spoil them rotten.  

I finally went through the process to renew my Trusted Traveler (including International travel) - I submitted my application and a few days later, received an email about setting up an interview.  I did that process too and then last night, I received an email that my status had changed.  I logged in this morning and am officially renewed.  Interview not needed!  

J. did the same process a month ago - and he's still waiting.  No 'conditional approval' yet and when he inquires, they write back that 'due to overwhelming volume, your request may take up to 11 months'.  They are dealing with that by reassuring everyone they will extend the expiration date of your current membership.  So if we were traveling, J. would still be OK.  I don't know how I lucked out to get mine approved so quickly - 

I'm about to make myself a third hamburger (this week) for dinner.  Turns out when I'm craving a good hamburger, my best option is to make one for myself.  It's delicious, flavorful and juicy - something I have not been able to find in town, even at In & Out.  

The cats are starting each day sitting in the dining area window watching nature outside.  We've got water in the bird trays and they sit and watch for hours sometimes.  Even with very few birds visiting (so far).  Things will pick up as soon as the weather stabilizes.  We've had some back tracking to colder weather - I should have known since I washed all the winter bed linens in preparation to pack them up for the season and now they are all (still) back on the beds.  

Our hair stylist and pedicure specialist retired and I'm trying a new place.  I'm not sold so far.  The lady doing my hair asks 'what would you like me to do?' - other than 'trim the ends', I have no input 'cuz I'm not a hairstylist.  The pedicure seems good - but it takes a lot longer than our previous person -  and the massaging of feet and calves is almost always a little too much.  

I think I will try Atlantis Salon - way more expensive (though in theory we could use comps) but it might be better all around.  Will check into it and decide.  

 

You Can't Say No

Been feeling like things are piling up a bit lately - mostly because there are a host of things happening that I (frankly) wish I didn't have to deal with.  But - being a Mom and a wife are jobs that never end and so....just keep on keeping on. 

My friend C. and I had a catch up call and when she said 'how are you?' I answered truthfully 'I am tired'.  Down to my bones tired. C. and I are holding each other accountable with working on moving more.  No formal exercise plan - but just committing daily to things that create movement. 

My workout today was helping J. trek to the rock yard and come home with about 1/4 cubic yard (8 five gallon buckets) of stone.  Between the mini-shoveling into smaller containers and then spreading the rock around the yards, it was a great workout.  We piled some of it in various spots out back and planned to work out there over the weekend.  Thankfully, our new gardener came and he did a lot of filling up the spaces in the back that needed extra stone.  We are very fortunate that one of our neighbors (around the corner) works at the rock yard so she arranged everything for us.  It was a very smooth, easy process and we will likely be going back there next Friday to do another load.  We have three types of stone in the yards and they all could use some filling - and while we're at it, we might do a trip for 'extra' we can pile behind the shed for future use.  $1 a bucket - and way easier than having a truck dump a huge load of stone in our driveway.  

Tomorrow and Sunday are Atlantis days and I am really looking forward to playing.  Monday through Friday feels like a long time in between play days....especially with J. playing golf 3 days a week.  I'm always feeling a sense of back and forth about him being gone - in my heart and core, I'm happy he can enjoy time with his friends doing something he loves three times a week.  But the reality of it - three days alone - is hard at times.  Some days, being alone feels incredibly hard.  And I feel bad for feeling that way knowing I have friends and family who have experienced loss who are facing the reality of being alone.  I try to re-align with being glad he can have fun even when some weeks feel so 'meh' without him home.  

And then he is home and sometimes makes me crazy.  

We will enjoy plenty of together time at Atlantis having fun and enjoying brunch.  And we'll work in the yards in the evenings when it gets cooler.  It's 84 outside right now and being out in the sun working hard felt so great.  Sun and sweat after months and months of bundling up felt amazing!

The new gardener spent more time here on his first official visit than our previous company did in multiple visits.  I offered him an amount per month that was way high - in my head it was comparable to what we had been paying but it was actually quite a bit more than that - so he said he will come twice a month.  When we get caught up it may end up once a month is enough and if so, we'll adjust - or we'll give him a list of other things he could help with.  Sweeping patios, sweeping garage, helping clean the shed - there are plenty of things we are happy to have help with.  He's really good - and between the three of us, the place should be looking better soon.  It looks fine now - but we are looking forward to having it tidier.  

Wishing everyone a great weekend - I look forward to weekends as much (maybe more) as I did when I worked.  Two days of fun with hubby in the house!  Win-Win!

 

Circular Reference

In trying to help H. rebuild/restart a life that doesn't include addiction and homelessness, I'm realizing just how challenging doing that is for the people in that situation.  Honestly, if H. didn't have family support, he would be back on the streets and most likely return to addiction.  It's unfathomable to me how people without support claw their way back - it would be very difficult.

He needs to get a Texas ID card - but to do that he needs a social security card.  He can't get a replacement social security card without having a valid state ID.  Do you see the conundrum here?  

I ordered official birth certificates for him - had to head to Wells Fargo earlier this week to get the requests notarized.  Then J. had to scan all the documents into a pdf to attach to an email.  I have to say the response from the Alameda County Clerk/Recorder were very fast - and this morning, the certified copies arrived via Fed Ex overnight.  Just under $100 for two documents.  Grateful for a relatively easy process that didn't take too long.  The website said that mailing the documents US mail will cause delays so faxing or attaching was the way to go.  We don't have a landline - something I forget when I ask J. to fax something.  Anyway - I have the docs in hand - and will talk to H. about where he will keep them and how will he ensure they don't get lost.  Every ID he had got lost.  Passport, license, social security card (which was also a replacement card).  He has nothing - not a single thing that confirms who he is.  He needs ID to get work.  Highest priority.  

We had a freak snow storm on Monday night/early Tuesday morning and awoke to enough snow on the ground that J.'s golf was cancelled.  We are ready for winter to move on.  Really.  Please.

Monday's cat grooming appointment was a success.  They have new haircuts, clean ears and eyes and trimmed claws.  They didn't cry much on the way home - think they realized 'yay, they came back for us and now we're heading home'.  Just like us, home is where they most want to be.  They are a little chilly with less fur so they are both hiding out in unusual places.  Nala is using Chloe's 'dome bed' (she has been for a while) and this morning, Muf was hiding under some blankets in the guest bedroom closet.  New for her but she can snuggle in the blankets and get pretty toasty.  

Today is my first 'commitment free' day in a while and other than being the drink lady for J.'s foursome (Thursday is his Silver Oak golf day and we always offer his foursome beverage service and ice for coolers) it's a low key day.  

I'm looking forward to Atlantis this weekend.  I stupidly played a bit at a casino in Carson that I always regret playing at - told J. 'it is totally OK next time I say I want to play there to remind me how much it ALWAYS sucks'.  He said 'we are creating quite a list of places that suck' and he's not wrong about that.  I know Atlantis.  I know the machines.  I have basic concepts of what might work far more at Atlantis than any other place and I need to remind myself of that vigorously 'cuz seriously, losing is NO FUN.  LOL.  It really isn't.

Cats & Taxes

This past week felt super busy as retired weeks go.  And J. was 'man down' for a couple days - he got home from golf on Tuesday feeling pretty crummy and ended up being sick to his stomach and/or in the bathroom for two full days.  Poor guy.  I can't remember the last time he actually tossed his cookies but Tuesday and Wednesday he did plenty of that.  

We had an appointment for Nala's annual vet visit on Tuesday afternoon so I navigated that alone.  Not too bad, really.  She wasn't thrilled with being in the hard side carrier and she sure didn't like the 10 minute drive to the vet.  But once we were in the exam room and she was out of her carrier, she did what she always does:  explores every nook and cranny of the room including attempting to get into all the cupboards and drawers available.  The vet tech and the vet fell madly in love with her - as they do every year - because she's beautiful and sweet and so funny.  She had a few minutes of shaking like a leaf but she calmed down when I gave her a good chin scratch and told her she was fine.  And I fall in love with her all over again every time she realizes 'Wait, my Mom is here.  I am OK.  Nothing bad will happen if I'm with my people and Mom is here so OK!  I am going to explore a bit'.  Cats have a reputation for being aloof and incredibly self-centered - and that's true sometimes.  But our two cats have truly showed their intense ability to love their humans and it's a beautiful thing.  And we feel the same back with them.  

Her health was good and we have her rabies vaccination up to date for another year.  

We did another vet trip on Friday for Muf and the same thing happened - glad for J.'s help - everything's easier with the two of us together.  Muf was her usual incredibly beautiful and charming self and the techs and veterinarian fell in love with her, too.  She's got a clean bill of health as well and her vaccination.  She didn't cry much on the trip home 'cuz I think she knew she was on the last drive - at least for the day. 

Tomorrow, we wind up an intense week of 'cat stuff' when we drive to North Reno and drop them off for a grooming.  We'd hoped to get them groomed every four months but the winter we had made a December trek hard to make happen.  We're going to plan for every six months.  They'll both get baths, nail trims and a good trim.  Muf really needs it.  While they get the spa treatment, we'll head to Atlantis for weekly free play.  We usually go on Sundays but it's easy to adjust.  Monday is usually a golf day for J. but he agreed to skip golf tomorrow so he can help with the cats.  I could (I'm sure) totally do it myself but I really appreciate the team effort.  The drive with two crying cats is stressful....and I don't like going to Atlantis alone either.  So the two of us will join forces to get this long-looming, huge 'thing' off my list of things that need to happen.

It was a beautiful day today and we spent time outside working in the yard.  Hand watered every single plant - there are some cold nights still in the forecast so we're not ready to turn the drip system on yet.  

We hired a new gardener yesterday who will come every other week on Fridays.  While he was here to give us an estimate, he took time to pick up any debris he saw.  He definitely had an eye for details and that was a welcome change from our previous service.  We're going to order some stones to fill in some bare spots in the front and back yards and he gave us info on how much to order.  We hope he will be a big help - feel pretty confident - but he's definitely doing this work as a 'side job' - so we'll see.  Honestly, it feels like any help will be more than we've been getting from our previous company and we welcome the help.

Lots of golfers on the course this past week as well - nice to see. Things are greening up nicely which is also lovely to see. 

I helped B. with his taxes again - they were filed today so glad that's off the list, too.  What he owes to the Feds he'll get back from California.  He changed his 'legal residence' state to Tennessee so there was a bit of 'stuff' to figure out related to that change.  Turbo Tax makes it pretty fool-proof which is nice.  I did have something go wrong and posted a question on the TT forum page and got a very helpful reply very quickly.  Was able to fix everything no problem once I read the response.  Very glad to be done.  

I've had a couple days of sleeping in until after 8AM and the difference an extra hour or so of sleep makes to my energy level is amazing.

Dressing Up

You may have heard in the news that a longtime Atlantis player hit a $14M jackpot on Sunday night.  We were there on Sunday and I passed the machine on my way back from the bathroom.  We had thought we would play it on our anniversary weekend but we didn't - I felt the 'urge' to play it as I passed by but J. was waiting for me and I didn't want to keep him waiting.  (He's used to me keeping him waiting.  Poor guy.  LOL.)  He wouldn't have been at all surprised that I'd stopped at a machine - but I didn't.  

She won sometime that night, had been playing 40 minutes and betting $10 a pull.  I bet $10 a pull on that machine too?  But I wouldn't have stayed for 40 minutes.  The game itself is one of the tightest slots in existence - any slot player who plays regularly knows that - and I don't think I would keep going.  Unless it started paying - who knows.  We are happy for the winner and wonder if we know them.  We will be there this weekend so maybe we'll find more info.  

Our neighbor G. sent me a text with a picture of the win info from the news and said 'please tell me it was you and J. '.  I said 'well it could have been - we were there that day - but no.  Not this time'.  Maybe someday.

 J. is playing golf again though they had to cancel this past Tuesday for weather.  We still wake up with surprise dustings of snow but so far it's more Spring like than not.  It's lovely to have the sun and blue skies.  

On Friday, our landscape maintenance company showed up unannounced.  The guys sat in their truck for 15 minutes, finally got out - J. went outside to ask what they were doing - it was the 'Spring cleanup' service they said.  They were there 15 minutes - we timed it and I wrote down their arrival time as well.  I expected the invoice to reflect the (greatly) reduced amount of time they were here - but no.  The invoice was for an hour of work.  I emailed the billing person to tell her how shocked we were to be billed for a full hour when they did 15 minutes of work.  Told her I would send a check for 1/4 hour and please cancel our service going forward.  She wrote back and did what she's always done: turned it around to 'you could have just called me and I would adjust it'.  

Here's the thing - this isn't the first time we've had issues with the billing.  Not the first time the invoice charges are more than the amount of time they actually worked.  I had a boat load of things I would have liked to blast back in a(nother) email but I let it go.  Couldn't quite wrap my head around why it was bugging me so much - but I just sent a check for the 1/4 hour and let it go.  Only today, it hit me with what REALLY bugged me the most about the issue:  she did what she's always done.  Turned it around to make it what the customer could do.  Never (ever!) acknowledging that there has been and still is an often serious disjoint between what the workers are reporting as time worked vs. their ACTUAL time worked. 

I almost emailed her today but figured why?  She also mentioned something she did last year regarding an issue with service and said 'I showed grace but I guess it doesn't go both ways'.  I wanted to write back 'I'm showing grace by not posting reviews detailing some pretty scathing factual issues that illustrate you are taking advantage of your customers.  Perhaps counting on them to not be home and not notice that the work done was minimal while the billing isn't' - but I didn't do that either.  

Sometimes I think the time on my hands that retirement creates is time my psyche is using to over-analyze and fret about stupid crap.  The struggle is real.

H. is officially residing in a sober living house.  There are (now) seven guys in the house.  He says he is attending any meeting any of his housemates are attending trying to meet as many people as he can.  The recovery community take care of each other and he's hoping he can get a lead on some jobs.  A friend who was released on the same day as H. is working for his Dad's construction company and there's a chance H. can get some 'day work' assignments with that company.  We started to look into getting the things he needs to get a Texas Real ID - but he said his probation officer is helping with all that - she realizes he can't get a job without an ID and social security card - all of which he had but lost (either the physical document or the right to drive) - so she is tracking down the documents H. needs to get an ID.  And a SS card.  

We are learning all the things affected by the lack of an ID card.  We sent him a $200 Uber gift card for future rides to his probation officer's office.  He set up the app on his phone but when he entered the gift card number into the app, it asked him to take a picture of his ID and send to them.  He called customer service and they said that step wouldn't be needed if he entered a credit or debit card on the account.  Which he (also) doesn't have.  He entered our account info so now it's fine.  He knew I would feel reluctant but I recognized we needed to do what's needed - otherwise, we'd wasted $200.  We arranged for the Uber he took to and from his probation officer's office the day after he was released - $110 round trip.  Thankfully, she is going to see him once via Facetime and once in person each month to cut down on the expense.  

He sounds good - but he isn't calling often which is OK.  (I'm not sure why he called 3x a week from the program but now isn't calling much - but it works).  I keep reminding myself he is an (almost) 30 year old man and he needs to manage his life.  I'm working hard on letting him do that. 

The other bit of big news (for me) is that I decided I want to wear a dress to our niece's wedding in June.  I ordered a dress and tried it on today (home alone - J. was playing golf) and think it's OK?  But I haven't worn dresses in decades so I'm not sure.  My friend C. (my go-to ride or die 'be honest' friend) has agreed to look at a selfie I will take tomorrow to see what she thinks about the outfit.  And I said 'and if you think it's a keeper, I need help with color of shoes, bare legs or panty hose', etc. .  And then I'll shop for those things as well as a slip.  (Regretting all the slips I gave to Goodwill when we moved).  Oh well.

It's going to be a beautiful wedding and I want to look nice and 'fancy' (for me) for the occasion.  B. is coming too which is awesome!

That's it for now.  I never intentionally take weeks to do a post but the days just fly by.  April feels super busy - two vet appointments for the cats annual checkup (no 'two at a time' appointments available so we had to set up two separate appointments) and then their every six month grooming in North Reno.  It's good that it's warming up a bit 'cuz I've been worried about having them both groomed because they will be cold.  Nala has started using Chloe's 'dome bed' for warmth - glad we kept it.