It was around this time last year when things with H. started unraveling a bit. I re-read the blog and read the things I wrote - the things he was talking about and the weird things he would tell me - things that now read as some sort of epic fiction novel. When things started not making sense - well, that's not an accurate statement - things often didn't make sense but this time last year, things were becoming unfathomable. The simplest requests could not be carried out.
When I pull into the Atlantis parking lot, I always remember how so many conversations with H. would happen as I was driving to/from Reno. All the stories of the latest glitch he was experiencing. A year later in the post-actually-true-reality, I think a lot of the stories were told to me in hopes I would react with a 'that's it! We'll get you a plane ticket 'home' and you can come to Nevada'. I never reacted that way. When he shared challenges he was experiencing living with a house with young children and complained about the lack of privacy, I suggested he talk to the homeowner to see if she would be OK with him putting a lock on the door. So he could create some personal space that couldn't be invaded by anyone else.
Only he wasn't living there and never had a door to put a lock on because we now know he was homeless this time last year.
Yesterday was his birthday and it felt harder than I thought it would. It didn't help that J. played golf yesterday - the third day in a row this week he wasn't home. I'm usually really totally super OK with alone time - but not on the birthday of the son I haven't seen for close to three years; haven't spoken to in close to four months and have absolutely know idea when/if I will ever see or speak to him again. That's the cold hard reality.
I went to Atlantis alone for my weekly free play but it wasn't a good, fun day by any sense of the word fun. I brought dinner home for both of us. And couldn't wait to head to bed to escape the constant 'noise' in my head about H. .
We miss him.
I made banana bread this morning and added a ton of chopped walnuts and told J. 'the only time I don't miss H. is when I make banana bread'. He gave me a cryptic 'huh!?' I said 'we never added nuts to any quick breads we made because H. doesn't like nuts! And we LOVE LOTS of walnuts in banana nut bread so yay! We made it the way we like it.' I know it's silly but for a moment, I missed him just a scintilla less than I did the moment before.
And started missing him all over again as I put the bread in the oven.
I turn 62 next Saturday! Woot woot! I applied for Social Security in April and it will officially start in August! Another woot woot!! I am heading to Atlantis next Thursday for a night or two (or three). J. will join me for dinner on Thursday and brunch on Saturday morning and I will decide how many nights to actually stay in the hotel based on the luck I have on the slots. I'm sort of looking at it as a last hurrah for this six month point reporting period - low and slow for the rest of June - and then back to normal in July. Though we do have quite a few 'events' in June that will get us to the casino on a couple of Saturdays....but most months have that.
B. is heading to Ft. Dix, New Jersey in a week or so. J. told me that B.'s official report date is June 10th but his soon-to-be boss sent him a message that they don't have him on the official 'duty roster' until July 1st - to give him some time to get settled in his apartment, familiar with the area and a little down time post-move. B. is juggling a gazillion things - in addition to moving to a new state, he's also trying hard to get his private pilot license before he moves. He hopes to have his official check flight on my birthday next Saturday - and getting all the flying stuff done before he heads further east is important because he doesn't want to have to start over with a new flight school. Yes, most of his lessons are done but if he doesn't complete his license requirements before he moves, it is very likely he will incur additional expenses to finish up with a new flight school in another state. So fingers crossed. He's got a lot of moving parts right now.
No comments:
Post a Comment