Blurry

The past few weeks seem like a blur.  I'm spending the morning attempting to clean my desk and am unearthing things that I should have taken care of awhile ago.  Phone bill is late (paid now but a little late); never wrote the check for the pest guy; and we can't find the invitation for the wedding we are attending next Saturday.  I've looked pretty much everywhere and so has J. and it's MIA.  Maybe made it's way into the recycle bin accidentally?  We will have to reach out to other attendees and confess our ineptness 'cuz we have no idea what time or where to go exactly -

An update to Post - AZ: I omitted my cousin in the mention of 'joy' items in the trip and I shouldn't have 'cuz we had a great time.  It's just that there wasn't much 'us' time and the drama that always ensues on my side of the family complicated things more than I had anticipated.  That says a lot 'cuz I knew there would be issues - always are.  I messaged her and just said I was sorry for anything I may have done that upset her and she quickly wrote back and said she could have written pretty much the same message - we spent the last 18 hours of our time together walking on eggshells - something giving each of us the feeling things were amiss.  They weren't.  We need another vacation together and we're going to work on making that happen at some point.

I still feel raw and damaged about the weekend and the reality of all the things that play into it are hard to grapple with.  And always will be.  It's hard to feel like you just have to continue to self-protect over and over.  That's what it is - but it's hard.

On a whim yesterday, I headed to a casino I haven't visited in a long time - had a blast.  Tons of new (to me) slots and I played a really long time on their money.  I hit a really good win towards the end and should have left but kept playing - and lost.  But it was a fun day and I returned with money still in hand so that's good.

Today is J.'s no food day and it's hard.  He doesn't want me to fix chili dogs for dinner and I'm thinking 'how will I do that since we need to eat even though you can't'.  Mine was in April so I remember how hard it is..this time tomorrow, we'll be at the hospital and home soon after with him able to eat anything and everything.

The sky is overcast with smoke - there are wild fires all around us and the smoke haze has been increasing day after day.  It's scary to have so many areas on fire simultaneously - man power is limited and there's not a lot of water to use to fight fires.  (I don't think that's an issue but I do wonder about it).  Some injuries and loss of structures (including an entire town which has suffered a devastating fire) but no deaths.  Praying they can get the blazes under control soon.

I'd better get back to searching for the invite...and paying bills...and filing stuff.  And then upstairs to unpack my suitcase and get things organized for the week.  I'm off tomorrow but the rest of the week will be busy.

To my cousin S.:  you are one of the best friends I have ever (and will ever) have.  I love you and am sorry the ending of the weekend was weird.